urgently.
The room fell silent other than the sound of the baby’s gulps and Holly’s ragged breathing. She thought her breathing must be so loud that Tom would surely hear her, but still he didn’t acknowledge her. She could feel herself withdrawing into the relative comfort of a shock-induced numbness. Her brain had all but stopped trying to make sense of what was happening to her. She chose instead to concentrate on the regular gulps of satisfaction she could hear coming from Libby, and it soothed her.
“I know you’re there, Holly,” Tom said.
Goosebumps coursed up Holly’s arms and down her spine. As if in a trance, Holly stepped out of the shadows and into the living room.
“I’m here, Tom,” she said.
Tom was looking toward the patio window, just to the left of Holly, but he had that distant look in his eyes again. Wherever he was looking, it was someplace far from the confines of the room. “I hope you can see me, sweetheart. I hope you can hear me, because I don’t think I could go on if I thought you’d completely left me.” Tom’s voice was a crackled whisper and he closed his eyes tightly, suppressing the tears that had sprung to his eyes.
Holly rushed forward and knelt in front of him, grabbing his arms and willing him to open his eyes and see her. “I’m here, Tom! Please, please look at me!” she sobbed.
Tom opened his eyes and Holly shuddered as once again his gaze passed right through her, cutting her like a knife. Holly recoiled from Tom for the very first time in their life together.
“It hurts, Holly; it hurts so much. Every time I wake up, I remember I’m never going to see you again and my stomach lurches. I can’t believe it. I won’t believe it. You were fine. You were fit and you were healthy—pregnant, yes, but healthy. You were there one minute and then you just weren’t. Every bone in my body aches for you and it hurts so much.”
Tom paused, shaking his head as if to clear his thoughts. “Mum keeps saying I should let go, let myself cry, but I can’t. I’m so scared, Holly, because I swear if I did cry, I don’t think I’d be able to stop.” Tom kept gulping for air, drowning himself in unshed tears.
Libby started to wriggle in his arms so Tom pulled the half-finished bottle from her mouth. His face softened slightly as he looked at his daughter and he smiled at her before lifting her onto his shoulder and patting her back. The painted smile disappeared and a look of pain returned to his eyes. “I’m not ready for you to leave me, Hol. I’m not ready to accept that you’re never going to walk back into the room. All your things are exactly as you left them; everything is there, ready for you to come home. Come home, Holly, please just come home.”
A sob escaped and Tom bit his lip to hold himself together. “I don’t want to feel like this anymore; it hurts too much. If it wasn’t for Libby, I don’t think I could go on without you,” he said. Libby gave a huge burp in reply, and Tom forced a smile. He cradled her again in his arms and started feeding her once more.
“Thanks for the vote of confidence, Libby,” he whispered, and the love for his daughter warmed Holly’s heart and thawed the numbness that had engulfed her. “I love you so much and your mummy loves you and she’s watching over you.”
Holly couldn’t resist stroking the top of Libby’s head and as she leaned forward she could feel Tom’s warm breath on her face. Her whole body tingled and she knew that this was more real than any dream she had ever had.
“Promise me you’ll never leave me,” Tom whispered.
“I promise,” Holly answered, willing Tom to hear her, but he made no response.
Holly rested her head on Tom’s lap in submission and closed her eyes. “This isn’t real, Tom; this isn’t happening. It’s going to be all right.”
Silence filled the room and time ticked by. Holly stayed where she was until the baby finished her bottle and then she
The room fell silent other than the sound of the baby’s gulps and Holly’s ragged breathing. She thought her breathing must be so loud that Tom would surely hear her, but still he didn’t acknowledge her. She could feel herself withdrawing into the relative comfort of a shock-induced numbness. Her brain had all but stopped trying to make sense of what was happening to her. She chose instead to concentrate on the regular gulps of satisfaction she could hear coming from Libby, and it soothed her.
“I know you’re there, Holly,” Tom said.
Goosebumps coursed up Holly’s arms and down her spine. As if in a trance, Holly stepped out of the shadows and into the living room.
“I’m here, Tom,” she said.
Tom was looking toward the patio window, just to the left of Holly, but he had that distant look in his eyes again. Wherever he was looking, it was someplace far from the confines of the room. “I hope you can see me, sweetheart. I hope you can hear me, because I don’t think I could go on if I thought you’d completely left me.” Tom’s voice was a crackled whisper and he closed his eyes tightly, suppressing the tears that had sprung to his eyes.
Holly rushed forward and knelt in front of him, grabbing his arms and willing him to open his eyes and see her. “I’m here, Tom! Please, please look at me!” she sobbed.
Tom opened his eyes and Holly shuddered as once again his gaze passed right through her, cutting her like a knife. Holly recoiled from Tom for the very first time in their life together.
“It hurts, Holly; it hurts so much. Every time I wake up, I remember I’m never going to see you again and my stomach lurches. I can’t believe it. I won’t believe it. You were fine. You were fit and you were healthy—pregnant, yes, but healthy. You were there one minute and then you just weren’t. Every bone in my body aches for you and it hurts so much.”
Tom paused, shaking his head as if to clear his thoughts. “Mum keeps saying I should let go, let myself cry, but I can’t. I’m so scared, Holly, because I swear if I did cry, I don’t think I’d be able to stop.” Tom kept gulping for air, drowning himself in unshed tears.
Libby started to wriggle in his arms so Tom pulled the half-finished bottle from her mouth. His face softened slightly as he looked at his daughter and he smiled at her before lifting her onto his shoulder and patting her back. The painted smile disappeared and a look of pain returned to his eyes. “I’m not ready for you to leave me, Hol. I’m not ready to accept that you’re never going to walk back into the room. All your things are exactly as you left them; everything is there, ready for you to come home. Come home, Holly, please just come home.”
A sob escaped and Tom bit his lip to hold himself together. “I don’t want to feel like this anymore; it hurts too much. If it wasn’t for Libby, I don’t think I could go on without you,” he said. Libby gave a huge burp in reply, and Tom forced a smile. He cradled her again in his arms and started feeding her once more.
“Thanks for the vote of confidence, Libby,” he whispered, and the love for his daughter warmed Holly’s heart and thawed the numbness that had engulfed her. “I love you so much and your mummy loves you and she’s watching over you.”
Holly couldn’t resist stroking the top of Libby’s head and as she leaned forward she could feel Tom’s warm breath on her face. Her whole body tingled and she knew that this was more real than any dream she had ever had.
“Promise me you’ll never leave me,” Tom whispered.
“I promise,” Holly answered, willing Tom to hear her, but he made no response.
Holly rested her head on Tom’s lap in submission and closed her eyes. “This isn’t real, Tom; this isn’t happening. It’s going to be all right.”
Silence filled the room and time ticked by. Holly stayed where she was until the baby finished her bottle and then she
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