to possibilities because you compare everything to what you had with Claire."
I leaned my head back against the cushions and rubbed my hands over my eyes. "If I'd known today was going to be a fucking intervention, I'd have stayed home," I muttered.
"Cal, Carol, leave your brother alone." Our mom's voice had that no-nonsense tone that even as adults, we found difficult to ignore.
"But..." Cal tried anyway.
I didn't hear any other words but felt the couch shift on either side of me as it was relieved of two-thirds of its burden. I didn't need the benefit of opening my eyes to know the look my mother must have given my older siblings.
"They meant well, you know, even if they were a wee bit overbearing."
I cracked open an eye. "I know."
"They weren't wrong, either."
"You, too, Mom?"
"Dinna take that tone with me," she began. "I..."
I zoned out and began to wish for an emergency to come up at work so I could get the hell out of here. Even some mundane chore such as checking up on Madelyn Stone sounded preferable now. How bad had it become that I'd rather spend time with a released inmate than my family?
Not that Madelyn Stone was as bad as I'd been expecting. She was quick-witted, yet sensitive. She wasn't glamorous, but then, who would be after spending years behind bars? And her mouth! I liked that she wasn't afraid to call me out, rather than sucking up. Although, speaking of sucking, I wondered what she might look like with her full lips open wide and full of my...
Where the hell had all of these sudden thoughts come from? I squeezed my knee hard with my hand, mentally choking my neck. I was sickened that I could be so easily distracted from the woman that was previously being discussed. Claire was who I loved. I didn't even like women like Maddy, women who had a criminal background, someone who could be violent, unpredictable…exciting…spontaneous…with skin that beckoned to find out if it was as soft and creamy as it looked...
God bless America! I squeezed both knees this time.
"...I worry about you, Son. I don't want you to be alone the rest of your life."
And we're back. I glared at my mother.
"So I should hook up with some woman to make my family happy?" My mom shook her head, but I didn't give her a chance to talk. I needed to nip this conversation. "Mom, I loved Claire. I still do. I'm grateful I had her for the time we were given, but it was stolen from me too soon. I appreciate this onslaught of sudden concern about me, but I'm fine. Really."
The velocity of emotions that came at me from all directions threatened to destroy all my carefully constructed walls which were designed to help me survive each day. They felt like they were closing in on me. I stood up to leave the room and go...somewhere. Anywhere. I just wanted to be alone, away from people who thought they knew what I needed better than I did.
Alone.
Is that what I wanted? No. But that's what fate had determined for me.
"Holt, wait. Please."
Only the concern in her voice made me pause. Slowly, I turned and faced her, shoving my hands in my pockets to hide how I was clenching them. She walked to me and pressed her palms against my cheeks. "Is it your devotion to Claire holding you back? Or your fears?"
"I made promises, Mom. I promised her forever."
"You kept your promise. But your heart didn't cease its ability to give or receive love. Her forever is over. Yours isn't." She pulled my head down and kissed my cheek. "I love you, Holten. Just think about it."
She walked out of the room leaving me stuck with her parting words that hung in the air. I hesitated then scooped up my jacket and car keys. My family was just going to have to deal that I needed some time alone.
Always fucking alone.
6
Maddy
B it by bit over the next few weeks I began to relax. I was so used to having my guard up and being distrustful it was difficult to meet friendliness with friendliness, but I was getting better at it. I'd met a couple of my neighbors in
I leaned my head back against the cushions and rubbed my hands over my eyes. "If I'd known today was going to be a fucking intervention, I'd have stayed home," I muttered.
"Cal, Carol, leave your brother alone." Our mom's voice had that no-nonsense tone that even as adults, we found difficult to ignore.
"But..." Cal tried anyway.
I didn't hear any other words but felt the couch shift on either side of me as it was relieved of two-thirds of its burden. I didn't need the benefit of opening my eyes to know the look my mother must have given my older siblings.
"They meant well, you know, even if they were a wee bit overbearing."
I cracked open an eye. "I know."
"They weren't wrong, either."
"You, too, Mom?"
"Dinna take that tone with me," she began. "I..."
I zoned out and began to wish for an emergency to come up at work so I could get the hell out of here. Even some mundane chore such as checking up on Madelyn Stone sounded preferable now. How bad had it become that I'd rather spend time with a released inmate than my family?
Not that Madelyn Stone was as bad as I'd been expecting. She was quick-witted, yet sensitive. She wasn't glamorous, but then, who would be after spending years behind bars? And her mouth! I liked that she wasn't afraid to call me out, rather than sucking up. Although, speaking of sucking, I wondered what she might look like with her full lips open wide and full of my...
Where the hell had all of these sudden thoughts come from? I squeezed my knee hard with my hand, mentally choking my neck. I was sickened that I could be so easily distracted from the woman that was previously being discussed. Claire was who I loved. I didn't even like women like Maddy, women who had a criminal background, someone who could be violent, unpredictable…exciting…spontaneous…with skin that beckoned to find out if it was as soft and creamy as it looked...
God bless America! I squeezed both knees this time.
"...I worry about you, Son. I don't want you to be alone the rest of your life."
And we're back. I glared at my mother.
"So I should hook up with some woman to make my family happy?" My mom shook her head, but I didn't give her a chance to talk. I needed to nip this conversation. "Mom, I loved Claire. I still do. I'm grateful I had her for the time we were given, but it was stolen from me too soon. I appreciate this onslaught of sudden concern about me, but I'm fine. Really."
The velocity of emotions that came at me from all directions threatened to destroy all my carefully constructed walls which were designed to help me survive each day. They felt like they were closing in on me. I stood up to leave the room and go...somewhere. Anywhere. I just wanted to be alone, away from people who thought they knew what I needed better than I did.
Alone.
Is that what I wanted? No. But that's what fate had determined for me.
"Holt, wait. Please."
Only the concern in her voice made me pause. Slowly, I turned and faced her, shoving my hands in my pockets to hide how I was clenching them. She walked to me and pressed her palms against my cheeks. "Is it your devotion to Claire holding you back? Or your fears?"
"I made promises, Mom. I promised her forever."
"You kept your promise. But your heart didn't cease its ability to give or receive love. Her forever is over. Yours isn't." She pulled my head down and kissed my cheek. "I love you, Holten. Just think about it."
She walked out of the room leaving me stuck with her parting words that hung in the air. I hesitated then scooped up my jacket and car keys. My family was just going to have to deal that I needed some time alone.
Always fucking alone.
6
Maddy
B it by bit over the next few weeks I began to relax. I was so used to having my guard up and being distrustful it was difficult to meet friendliness with friendliness, but I was getting better at it. I'd met a couple of my neighbors in
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