You Can Date Boys When You're Forty: Dave Barry on Parenting and Other Topics He Knows Very Little About by Dave Barry
Authors: Dave Barry
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conditions (Conditions
you
very well could be suffering from!) and needing to take prescription drugs (Drugs
you
should probably be taking! Ask your doctor!) despite the possibility of unpleasant side effects (“Discontinue using Faramir if both of your eyeballs explode”).
After an evening of watching TV, I’m pretty sure that, one way or another, I’m going to die within hours, which actually doesn’t seem so bad because I have also concluded that, manhood-wise, I will soon decline to the point where I could no more get an erection than bench-press the Lincoln Memorial.
So I hate TV as much as I hate my mail.
I do a lot of math these days. It’s Death Math. I’ll be waiting to pick my daughter up at middle school and I’ll start thinking:
OK, so when she graduates from high school, if I live that long, I’ll be seventy. When she graduates from college, if I live that long, I’ll be seventy-four. And when she starts
dating boys, if I live
that
long, I’ll be . . . Jesus, I’d be
ninety-two
years old
.
By way of explanation: My daughter is not allowed to date boys until she’s forty. This is the only rule I’ve laid down for her and I think it’s reasonable, based on the known scientific fact that boys—even intelligent, thoughtful, loving, sensitive and caring boys—are scum.
When my daughter can legally commence dating (February 24, 2040), I intend to monitor her closely. I intend to do this even if I am deceased. My last will and testament will contain instructions stating that if my daughter goes anywhere in a car with a male belonging to the opposite sex, the urn containing my ashes shall be placed on the console between the passenger and driver’s seats, along with a little placard that says “DON’T MIND ME! YOU KIDS HAVE FUN!” The urn will also have a siren that goes off periodically.
I don’t want you to think that all I do, now that I’m old, is sit around and think about death. Not at all! Sometimes I also plan my funeral. Here’s how I want it to go:
My Funeral Program
I. ORGAN PRELUDE: “Let a Man Come In and Do the Popcorn” (James Brown)
II. PALLBEARERS ENTER
There will be eight pallbearers to carry the casket. There will not, however, be an actual casket; the pallbearers will be mimes. They will mime setting a heavy casket down in front of the room and feeling very sad. Then they will mime being trapped inside a glass box. Then they will mime suffocating to death.
III. CLERGYMAN ENTERS
The clergyman will say a few words welcoming everyone to the service. He will then realize he is not wearing pants.
IV. CLERGYMAN EXITS
V. AWKWARD EIGHT-MINUTE PAUSE
Note: The mimes may elect to fill this void by performing additional routines. If this happens, they are to be shot by Navy SEAL snipers.
VI. CLERGYMAN (A DIFFERENT ONE) ENTERS
The clergyman will say a few words welcoming everyone to the service. He will then speak for fifteen minutes on the benefits of Ke bdth= becoming an Amway distributor.
VII. CHOIR SONG
The choir will perform the Howlin’ Wolf version of the Willie Dixon song “Wang Dang Doodle.” Lyrics will be distributed to the audience, which will be urged to sing along for this part:
We gonna romp and tromp till midnight, we gonna fuss and fight till daylight
We gonna pitch a wang dang doodle all night long
VIII. EULOGY
I would like my eulogy to be given by a close friend or, if he is available, William Shatner. I will not presume to dictate the contents of the eulogy. My only requests are that it (1) be done entirely in a fake Scottish accent, (2) have a Charades portion, and (3) feature, at some point, the word “poontang.”
IX. LUCKY SEAT ANNOUNCEMENT
The audience will be instructed to look under their seats. Under one of them will be a small container of my ashes, which the audience member can take home.
X. LIVE PERFORMANCE OF “CANDLE IN THE WIND” BY ELTON JOHN
If Elton John is unavailable, the organist should
you
very well could be suffering from!) and needing to take prescription drugs (Drugs
you
should probably be taking! Ask your doctor!) despite the possibility of unpleasant side effects (“Discontinue using Faramir if both of your eyeballs explode”).
After an evening of watching TV, I’m pretty sure that, one way or another, I’m going to die within hours, which actually doesn’t seem so bad because I have also concluded that, manhood-wise, I will soon decline to the point where I could no more get an erection than bench-press the Lincoln Memorial.
So I hate TV as much as I hate my mail.
I do a lot of math these days. It’s Death Math. I’ll be waiting to pick my daughter up at middle school and I’ll start thinking:
OK, so when she graduates from high school, if I live that long, I’ll be seventy. When she graduates from college, if I live that long, I’ll be seventy-four. And when she starts
dating boys, if I live
that
long, I’ll be . . . Jesus, I’d be
ninety-two
years old
.
By way of explanation: My daughter is not allowed to date boys until she’s forty. This is the only rule I’ve laid down for her and I think it’s reasonable, based on the known scientific fact that boys—even intelligent, thoughtful, loving, sensitive and caring boys—are scum.
When my daughter can legally commence dating (February 24, 2040), I intend to monitor her closely. I intend to do this even if I am deceased. My last will and testament will contain instructions stating that if my daughter goes anywhere in a car with a male belonging to the opposite sex, the urn containing my ashes shall be placed on the console between the passenger and driver’s seats, along with a little placard that says “DON’T MIND ME! YOU KIDS HAVE FUN!” The urn will also have a siren that goes off periodically.
I don’t want you to think that all I do, now that I’m old, is sit around and think about death. Not at all! Sometimes I also plan my funeral. Here’s how I want it to go:
My Funeral Program
I. ORGAN PRELUDE: “Let a Man Come In and Do the Popcorn” (James Brown)
II. PALLBEARERS ENTER
There will be eight pallbearers to carry the casket. There will not, however, be an actual casket; the pallbearers will be mimes. They will mime setting a heavy casket down in front of the room and feeling very sad. Then they will mime being trapped inside a glass box. Then they will mime suffocating to death.
III. CLERGYMAN ENTERS
The clergyman will say a few words welcoming everyone to the service. He will then realize he is not wearing pants.
IV. CLERGYMAN EXITS
V. AWKWARD EIGHT-MINUTE PAUSE
Note: The mimes may elect to fill this void by performing additional routines. If this happens, they are to be shot by Navy SEAL snipers.
VI. CLERGYMAN (A DIFFERENT ONE) ENTERS
The clergyman will say a few words welcoming everyone to the service. He will then speak for fifteen minutes on the benefits of Ke bdth= becoming an Amway distributor.
VII. CHOIR SONG
The choir will perform the Howlin’ Wolf version of the Willie Dixon song “Wang Dang Doodle.” Lyrics will be distributed to the audience, which will be urged to sing along for this part:
We gonna romp and tromp till midnight, we gonna fuss and fight till daylight
We gonna pitch a wang dang doodle all night long
VIII. EULOGY
I would like my eulogy to be given by a close friend or, if he is available, William Shatner. I will not presume to dictate the contents of the eulogy. My only requests are that it (1) be done entirely in a fake Scottish accent, (2) have a Charades portion, and (3) feature, at some point, the word “poontang.”
IX. LUCKY SEAT ANNOUNCEMENT
The audience will be instructed to look under their seats. Under one of them will be a small container of my ashes, which the audience member can take home.
X. LIVE PERFORMANCE OF “CANDLE IN THE WIND” BY ELTON JOHN
If Elton John is unavailable, the organist should
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