else.”
Pilot: “Ladies and gentlemen, from the flight deck, I’d like you all to look out on the right side of the airplane and wave to our special OneHotMess Airline priority platinum passengers who have chosen to avoid the dreaded ‘free’ middle seat by simply strapping themselves to the wing. Give ’em a wave, everyone! My wife is out there right now. Hang on, Love Dump. . . . We’re expecting some gnarly tailwinds today. Folks, at OneHotMess Airlines, we don’t have so-called buddy passes for friends and family because, well, that shit costs money. So whenever our friends and family hit us up for discounted or free airfare, we just strap their cheap asses to the wings and most of them arrive alive. Frostbitten, hypothermic, and barely breathing, but alive!
“Ladies and gentlemen, in a moment flight attendants will be dimming the cabin lights so that you will be unable to read any book or magazine you may have brought aboard.Flight attendants will be coming through the cabin with an assortment of barely used blankets and pillows for those of you who would like a nice snooze during our flight.”
Passenger: “OK, I’d like a blanket and pillow, please.”
Flight attendant: “Certainly! That will be $40.”
Passenger: “Whaaa?”
Flight attendant: “We no longer loan these; you must buy them.”
Passenger: “Buy them? What am I going to do with a blanket and pillow once I get off the airplane?”
Flight attendant: “Are you familiar with the phrase, ‘Daddy, what’d you bring me’?”
Passenger: “Well, of course, but this isn’t exactly a Webkinz. All this price gouging is nuts! Next thing you know, you’ll be charging me to complain!”
Flight attendant: “We
so
didn’t think of that. Thanks! And have a great flight to Vegas!”
Passenger: “But I’m going to Seattle!”
Flight attendant: “You big silly! That’s way farther. Here at OneHotMess Airlines, we tell you where to go!”
Passenger: “Right back at you. . . .”
Flight attendant: “Was that a threat? Was it? Don’t make me call you-know-who in 4A. He will kick your priority gold ass all over this airplane, do you hear me?”
Passenger: “I have to go to the bathroom.”
Flight attendant: “Say please.”
Passenger: “What?”
Flight attendant: “Did I stutter?”
Passenger: “Please. I need to go to the bathroom. Does that cost extra, too?”
Pilot: “Ladies and gentlemen, from the flight deck, I forgot to mention earlier that we have installed pay toilets. You will need $1.87 cents in exact change for each visit to the lavatory. It’s a really annoying amount, we know, but it cuts down on the number of trips. Here at OneHotMess Airlines, we’re sick of you always jumping up and trying to go to the bathroom just as the beverage service begins. Sit your ass down and wait. You should have gone before you boarded.”
Flight attendant: “Ladies and gentlemen, in just a few minutes we will be coming through the cabin with a complimentary beverage service and light snacks. And by ‘light’ I mean ‘imaginary.’ ”
Trixie: “Y’all, this is Trixie and I just want to say that we understand that the airlines aren’t like they used to be and that flying isn’t the pleasurable experience it once was. But it’s no picnic for us, either.
“Maybe you read about those two skanks that got escorted off a plane after creating a ruckus on a flight last year. These two little swamp sluts said they were mistreated because they were prettier than the other people on the plane.
“I know what you’re thinking. It’s always the same old story. Unattractive people always get all the breaks, and if there’s one segment of our population that’s consistently mistreated and abused, it’s the fabulous-looking eighteen-year-old girl.
“Passengers, I’ve dealt with a lot of creeps on the job, but these two? The worst. Dumb and Dumber whined as soonas they got on board a full plane. They wanted water. I
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