Stephanie. “But she’s probably better off anyway. So how about another round? Have one in your friend’s name?”
“We can do another as long as you sl ap Kelly’s ass on your way back,” says Seth.
“Is there a bigger tip in it for me?”
“Of course,” says Seth.
“Let Kelly slap yours too and I’ll double it,” says Chris.
“Consider it done. And stop looking so glum.” She looks at me. “You realize that you are allowed to speak, right? You don’t have to go through your spokespeople.” Stephanie smiles and saunters away. We watch her rear-end stinger sway back and forth as she walks.
“All right gentlemen, hope you enjoyed those dollar dances,” blasts the DJ. “Now we’re calling Montana Wild to the main stage for the first of a three-song set. And remember, all of our lovely ladies are available for private dances.”
“What were we talking about?” asks Seth.
“We were lamenting the poor squirrel’s situation in The Sword in the Stone and before that it was what made Jimmy into a furry,” I say.
“ Maybe he would have turned out to be a furry no matter what,” says Chris. “I don’t know. But female foxes are the most tempting animal if you’re teetering on the brink of furriness. I mean another word for a hot chick is fox you know. So I blame Disney for making Maid Marian such a fox. And I mean that literally. But you know what the worst part is? It’s what Jimmy’s doing now. He’s at Berkley studying genetic engineering. Seriously. Like he’s actually studying to become some kind of real life Dr. Moreau so he can create half-woman, half-fox abominations of nature in some kind of Orwellian nightmare.”
“Orwellian nightmare?” asks Seth.
“Yeah, haven’t you read The Island of Dr. Moreau by George Orwell?”
“H.G. Wells wrote that, not George Orwell,” I say.
“No, he didn’t. Orwell did. Because he wrote Animal Farm about the talking animals and then wrote Island as a sequel about half-men, half-beasts because most people didn’t get the points he was trying to make in Animal Farm.”
“Have you ever actu ally read a novel or just read Wikipedia synopsizes of them that were vandalized by drunken English majors?” asks Seth.
“Fine, maybe it was Wells,” say s Chris. “I’ll check it out when I get home.”
“ Hey, how did you find out all this about Jimmy, anyway?” I ask. “Told you, did he? I hope you didn’t find out some other way. Like through a The Shining kind of way.”
“What do you mean?” asks Chris.
“You know, towards the end of The Shining when Shelley Duvall is running through the hotel and sees a man in a bear suit in one of the rooms giving oral sex to another guy. You didn’t walk in on something like that, did you?”
“ Man, that scene terrified me when I was little,” says Seth. “Bear suit guy, his face all in that guy’s lap, Shelley screaming and they just both stare at her. When I was a kid that really scared me because at the time I didn’t even know what a blowjob was, let alone a bear-suited blowjob. I mean I got that the two little girls are the ghosts of sisters murdered by their father and their come play with us bit is scary, yeah, but what the hell is the bear suit guy all about? What’s going on there? It’s even scarier for a kid when you don’t realize what’s happening in the scene.”
“Scared me, too,” says Chris. “To answer the question though, one day we were walking through the mall and I stopped and stared at this gorgeous woman who was getting a pedicure in a boutique. I was admiring her soles which were beyond perfect and said something about wishing I was the one giving her the pedicure without realizing I said it out loud. Jimmy heard me. I tried to deny it at first, but he said it was all right. He said he had a secret fetish of his own. So we went over to the Orange Julius and he told
“We can do another as long as you sl ap Kelly’s ass on your way back,” says Seth.
“Is there a bigger tip in it for me?”
“Of course,” says Seth.
“Let Kelly slap yours too and I’ll double it,” says Chris.
“Consider it done. And stop looking so glum.” She looks at me. “You realize that you are allowed to speak, right? You don’t have to go through your spokespeople.” Stephanie smiles and saunters away. We watch her rear-end stinger sway back and forth as she walks.
“All right gentlemen, hope you enjoyed those dollar dances,” blasts the DJ. “Now we’re calling Montana Wild to the main stage for the first of a three-song set. And remember, all of our lovely ladies are available for private dances.”
“What were we talking about?” asks Seth.
“We were lamenting the poor squirrel’s situation in The Sword in the Stone and before that it was what made Jimmy into a furry,” I say.
“ Maybe he would have turned out to be a furry no matter what,” says Chris. “I don’t know. But female foxes are the most tempting animal if you’re teetering on the brink of furriness. I mean another word for a hot chick is fox you know. So I blame Disney for making Maid Marian such a fox. And I mean that literally. But you know what the worst part is? It’s what Jimmy’s doing now. He’s at Berkley studying genetic engineering. Seriously. Like he’s actually studying to become some kind of real life Dr. Moreau so he can create half-woman, half-fox abominations of nature in some kind of Orwellian nightmare.”
“Orwellian nightmare?” asks Seth.
“Yeah, haven’t you read The Island of Dr. Moreau by George Orwell?”
“H.G. Wells wrote that, not George Orwell,” I say.
“No, he didn’t. Orwell did. Because he wrote Animal Farm about the talking animals and then wrote Island as a sequel about half-men, half-beasts because most people didn’t get the points he was trying to make in Animal Farm.”
“Have you ever actu ally read a novel or just read Wikipedia synopsizes of them that were vandalized by drunken English majors?” asks Seth.
“Fine, maybe it was Wells,” say s Chris. “I’ll check it out when I get home.”
“ Hey, how did you find out all this about Jimmy, anyway?” I ask. “Told you, did he? I hope you didn’t find out some other way. Like through a The Shining kind of way.”
“What do you mean?” asks Chris.
“You know, towards the end of The Shining when Shelley Duvall is running through the hotel and sees a man in a bear suit in one of the rooms giving oral sex to another guy. You didn’t walk in on something like that, did you?”
“ Man, that scene terrified me when I was little,” says Seth. “Bear suit guy, his face all in that guy’s lap, Shelley screaming and they just both stare at her. When I was a kid that really scared me because at the time I didn’t even know what a blowjob was, let alone a bear-suited blowjob. I mean I got that the two little girls are the ghosts of sisters murdered by their father and their come play with us bit is scary, yeah, but what the hell is the bear suit guy all about? What’s going on there? It’s even scarier for a kid when you don’t realize what’s happening in the scene.”
“Scared me, too,” says Chris. “To answer the question though, one day we were walking through the mall and I stopped and stared at this gorgeous woman who was getting a pedicure in a boutique. I was admiring her soles which were beyond perfect and said something about wishing I was the one giving her the pedicure without realizing I said it out loud. Jimmy heard me. I tried to deny it at first, but he said it was all right. He said he had a secret fetish of his own. So we went over to the Orange Julius and he told
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