So Jimmy’s parents, they get him some green tights and a fox tail and some fox ears so he can be the Disney Robin Hood for Halloween. Normal enough for a kid.
“Now Katie’s taking Jimmy out for Halloween. And Jimmy’s crushing on Katie. And Katie’s a good sport, so she gets a pink Renaiss ance-type dress from the school drama club so she can go as Maid Marian along with Jimmy’s Robin Hood. But Jimmy wants her to wear a tail and some ears, too. And she does, because she’s a good sport. Now when Katie comes over to Jimmy’s house to take him trick-or-treating, and he sees her in her pink dress with a fox tail and fox ears, well, that was the very first time Jimmy ever got an erection. And it hits him. He was crushing on Katie, yeah. But what he really wanted all along was an anthropomorphic half-Katie, half-fox. Even back then, he knew. That Halloween was the best day of Jimmy’s life. He got to spend the evening with his dream fox-girl. Of course after that night Katie goes back to just being a girl. And that simply wasn’t enough for poor old Jimmy.
“From that moment on to the presen t, Jimmy only gets aroused by women with some kind of anthropomorphic quality. Obviously, foxes do the most for him. But feline traits will work, too. Let’s just say if you ever meet Jimmy and play some Darkstalkers with him, he will own your ass when he uses Felicia. Now Jimmy says his furry condition is like being gay, that he was born the way he is, and he can’t help it. But I don’t know. Sometimes I think he may have been normal if he’d just watched The Sword in the Stone instead of Robin Hood.”
“That’s pretty messed up,” says Seth.
“Yeah, that’s pretty messed up,” I say.
“Yeah, I know it’s messed up,” says Chris.
“ But I don’t know about your The Sword in the Stone theory,” I say. “He might have just gotten some kind of squirrel fixation or something. Remember when Arthur gets turned into a squirrel and that girl squirrel falls for him but is brokenhearted when he turns back into a boy? Man, did that bother me as a kid. I felt really bad for her. All she wanted was to love and be loved, and at the end that gets taken away from her and she’s just standing atop that tree staring at the sky devastated.”
“ I as well remember feeling sad for the squirrel,” says Chris.
“Me too,” says Seth. “I mean they couldn’t have put in a post-credits scene where she finds love again with one of her own kind? How about a happy ending for the goddamn love-starved squirrel?”
“M aybe sharing an acorn with a boy squirrel, how about that?” asks Chris. “Poor little squirrel gets unceremoniously told by Arthur to just piss off because he’s a human boy again, and this is the guy we’re told is so good and noble that he’s destined to pull the sword from the stone and be king of all England!”
“Lady, that little Cocker Spaniel, she got hers,” I say. “ She got the Tramp. So she got hers!”
“The bitch,” says Seth.
The three of us s tare into our glasses. We weep for someone and don’t even know her name. Although being a squirrel, she may not have a name.
Stephanie stands behind Seth’s chair and wraps her arms around him, resting her head on his shoulder. “Okay,” she says, “a minute ago I walked by and saw you turn down a dollar dance from Kelly, who has the tightest ass I’ve ever seen on another girl. Like I’m tempted to slap it myself next time I walk by her. Now you’re all three looking so morose it’s like somebody just died. What gives?”
Seth takes her hand. “We were just talking about someone we know that got her heart broken recently.”
“How’s she taking it?” asks Stephanie.
“Not well,” says Chris. “Her boyfriend wasn’t who she thought he was.”
“Yeah, tell me about it,” says
“Now Katie’s taking Jimmy out for Halloween. And Jimmy’s crushing on Katie. And Katie’s a good sport, so she gets a pink Renaiss ance-type dress from the school drama club so she can go as Maid Marian along with Jimmy’s Robin Hood. But Jimmy wants her to wear a tail and some ears, too. And she does, because she’s a good sport. Now when Katie comes over to Jimmy’s house to take him trick-or-treating, and he sees her in her pink dress with a fox tail and fox ears, well, that was the very first time Jimmy ever got an erection. And it hits him. He was crushing on Katie, yeah. But what he really wanted all along was an anthropomorphic half-Katie, half-fox. Even back then, he knew. That Halloween was the best day of Jimmy’s life. He got to spend the evening with his dream fox-girl. Of course after that night Katie goes back to just being a girl. And that simply wasn’t enough for poor old Jimmy.
“From that moment on to the presen t, Jimmy only gets aroused by women with some kind of anthropomorphic quality. Obviously, foxes do the most for him. But feline traits will work, too. Let’s just say if you ever meet Jimmy and play some Darkstalkers with him, he will own your ass when he uses Felicia. Now Jimmy says his furry condition is like being gay, that he was born the way he is, and he can’t help it. But I don’t know. Sometimes I think he may have been normal if he’d just watched The Sword in the Stone instead of Robin Hood.”
“That’s pretty messed up,” says Seth.
“Yeah, that’s pretty messed up,” I say.
“Yeah, I know it’s messed up,” says Chris.
“ But I don’t know about your The Sword in the Stone theory,” I say. “He might have just gotten some kind of squirrel fixation or something. Remember when Arthur gets turned into a squirrel and that girl squirrel falls for him but is brokenhearted when he turns back into a boy? Man, did that bother me as a kid. I felt really bad for her. All she wanted was to love and be loved, and at the end that gets taken away from her and she’s just standing atop that tree staring at the sky devastated.”
“ I as well remember feeling sad for the squirrel,” says Chris.
“Me too,” says Seth. “I mean they couldn’t have put in a post-credits scene where she finds love again with one of her own kind? How about a happy ending for the goddamn love-starved squirrel?”
“M aybe sharing an acorn with a boy squirrel, how about that?” asks Chris. “Poor little squirrel gets unceremoniously told by Arthur to just piss off because he’s a human boy again, and this is the guy we’re told is so good and noble that he’s destined to pull the sword from the stone and be king of all England!”
“Lady, that little Cocker Spaniel, she got hers,” I say. “ She got the Tramp. So she got hers!”
“The bitch,” says Seth.
The three of us s tare into our glasses. We weep for someone and don’t even know her name. Although being a squirrel, she may not have a name.
Stephanie stands behind Seth’s chair and wraps her arms around him, resting her head on his shoulder. “Okay,” she says, “a minute ago I walked by and saw you turn down a dollar dance from Kelly, who has the tightest ass I’ve ever seen on another girl. Like I’m tempted to slap it myself next time I walk by her. Now you’re all three looking so morose it’s like somebody just died. What gives?”
Seth takes her hand. “We were just talking about someone we know that got her heart broken recently.”
“How’s she taking it?” asks Stephanie.
“Not well,” says Chris. “Her boyfriend wasn’t who she thought he was.”
“Yeah, tell me about it,” says
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