do. They just dismiss all evidence that doesn’t fit in with their story. They may refuse to acknowledge the evidence exists, in classic gaslighting. Or they might acknowledge the evidence is there but refuse to acknowledge that that proves anything. Laura relates how her narcissistic mother quite happily said, ‘Yes, that’s my signature on that document, but it wasn’t me that signed it’.
Where do you go with that? Logic does no good at all as they will just keep denying.
She’s inappropriate with service staff.
I did a survey on my forum about this, and it was as I suspected. Narcissists are often very inappropriate with service staff and others who they see as being beneath them. They can either be imperious and rude, or else over-familiar.
ENABLING FATHERS
We need to speak, too, of Enabling Fathers.
There are only three possible fathers for a DONM: another narcissist (oh yes, that can happen; lucky the DONM who has that), an absent father, or an Enabling Father.
An Enabling Father is, as the title suggests, one who enables your narcissistic mother’s behaviour. He will not protect you, nor rock the boat to even defend you. He might even proactively assist in her abuse, such as beating you on her command. He might try to ride both horses, whispering to you ruefully, ‘Ah, just put up with her, you know how she is,’ or, ‘You have to be the bigger person here,’ or, ‘Forgive and forget’. And because we’re raised with this as the default, we don’t realise the lack of logic in those statements.
His enabling behaviour can be because he is scared of her too. It is impossible to have a healthy, empowered relationship with a narcissist. This is why many fathers leave. Those who stay are – must be – enmeshed in the co-dependent dysfunctional dynamic.
Or maybe he’s not scared of her. Maybe he needs, as is the case, I believe, with my own father, to believe his wife is perfect (because it reflects well on him to have a perfect wife, I guess), and so he and she are both in this toxic conspiracy to present her as perfect. It doesn’t mean that he cannot have petty rows with her; he does. But he always sided with her when it came to his children, and indeed he acted as her attack dog when needed.
If a father leaves the marriage, the narcissistic mother can often make it her business to estrange or distance her daughter from the father, bad-mouthing and bitching about him. So the result is that you lose contact with your father.
Right now you might be having some major aha moments. And yet, the guilt might be kicking in right about now. How could you possibly think this about your mother? You probably feel dreadful for thinking of her like this.
You recall how she is/was nice so often. This is no doubt true. Narcissists are often nice; they can be even charming and pleasant once they get their way. Many narcissistic mothers are good with small children, and you might have fond memories of her treatment of you before you were about 7, in other words, before you developed your own personality and opinions.
The thing is that all abusers are nice sometimes – we explore this topic further later. It doesn’t justify, or excuse, their bad behaviour.
And your feelings of guilt are just your programmed beliefs. There is much more information about this below. I suggest you just ‘park’ the feelings of guilt for now, and read on till you get to that section which will help you deal with the guilt.
Chapter 3
The Effects on Us of Being Raised as the Daughter of a Narcissistic Mother
We wryly call NPD ‘the gift that keeps on giving’. The effects on us, as women who were raised by a narcissist, are seemingly endless.
Before we go into this list, let me acknowledge that it’s a fairly depressing list. But there are a few things to keep in mind. The first is that all these issues are totally reasonable and logical reactions to the twisted and abusive upbringing. They’re not a
Where do you go with that? Logic does no good at all as they will just keep denying.
She’s inappropriate with service staff.
I did a survey on my forum about this, and it was as I suspected. Narcissists are often very inappropriate with service staff and others who they see as being beneath them. They can either be imperious and rude, or else over-familiar.
ENABLING FATHERS
We need to speak, too, of Enabling Fathers.
There are only three possible fathers for a DONM: another narcissist (oh yes, that can happen; lucky the DONM who has that), an absent father, or an Enabling Father.
An Enabling Father is, as the title suggests, one who enables your narcissistic mother’s behaviour. He will not protect you, nor rock the boat to even defend you. He might even proactively assist in her abuse, such as beating you on her command. He might try to ride both horses, whispering to you ruefully, ‘Ah, just put up with her, you know how she is,’ or, ‘You have to be the bigger person here,’ or, ‘Forgive and forget’. And because we’re raised with this as the default, we don’t realise the lack of logic in those statements.
His enabling behaviour can be because he is scared of her too. It is impossible to have a healthy, empowered relationship with a narcissist. This is why many fathers leave. Those who stay are – must be – enmeshed in the co-dependent dysfunctional dynamic.
Or maybe he’s not scared of her. Maybe he needs, as is the case, I believe, with my own father, to believe his wife is perfect (because it reflects well on him to have a perfect wife, I guess), and so he and she are both in this toxic conspiracy to present her as perfect. It doesn’t mean that he cannot have petty rows with her; he does. But he always sided with her when it came to his children, and indeed he acted as her attack dog when needed.
If a father leaves the marriage, the narcissistic mother can often make it her business to estrange or distance her daughter from the father, bad-mouthing and bitching about him. So the result is that you lose contact with your father.
Right now you might be having some major aha moments. And yet, the guilt might be kicking in right about now. How could you possibly think this about your mother? You probably feel dreadful for thinking of her like this.
You recall how she is/was nice so often. This is no doubt true. Narcissists are often nice; they can be even charming and pleasant once they get their way. Many narcissistic mothers are good with small children, and you might have fond memories of her treatment of you before you were about 7, in other words, before you developed your own personality and opinions.
The thing is that all abusers are nice sometimes – we explore this topic further later. It doesn’t justify, or excuse, their bad behaviour.
And your feelings of guilt are just your programmed beliefs. There is much more information about this below. I suggest you just ‘park’ the feelings of guilt for now, and read on till you get to that section which will help you deal with the guilt.
Chapter 3
The Effects on Us of Being Raised as the Daughter of a Narcissistic Mother
We wryly call NPD ‘the gift that keeps on giving’. The effects on us, as women who were raised by a narcissist, are seemingly endless.
Before we go into this list, let me acknowledge that it’s a fairly depressing list. But there are a few things to keep in mind. The first is that all these issues are totally reasonable and logical reactions to the twisted and abusive upbringing. They’re not a
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