A Croc Called Capone by Barry Jonsberg

escape properly. A bit like a greenhouse. Am I right?’
    â€˜Spot on,’ said Blacky.
    â€˜Well, I know one way to drastically reduce the cause of global warming.’
    â€˜Ban fossil fuels? Find alternative and renewable sources of energy? Halt the worldwide destruction of rainforests?’
    â€˜That would work,’ I said. ‘But I was thinking of sticking a cork up your bum, thus reducing atmospheric pollution by at least a third.’
    Blacky fixed me with one pink-rimmed eye.
    â€˜Very funny, tosh,’ he said. ‘Very dry. If you carry on being dry I’ll have to pee on you.’
    â€˜Look,’ I said. ‘I’m sure you didn’t bring us here simply to throw insults and then depress the living daylights out of me.’ Actually, I wasn’t sure. That’s exactly the kind of thing Blacky would do. ‘We need more information about this mission. In particular, Murray the Mass Murderer, who, incidentally, is a Consultant Paediatrician and seems like a very reasonable guy.’
    â€˜The important word there, mush, is “seems”. Remember, there’s no art to find the mind’s construction in the face.’
    It was the second time that evening I was impressed with a clever statement. First Dyl, now Blacky.
    â€˜Did you make that up, Blacky?’ I asked.
    â€˜No. That was another genius. Shakespeare. One of the better humans, in my humble opinion.’
    Humble?
    â€˜Anyway, I’m not going to tell you about our serial killer,’ continued Blacky. ‘I’m going to show you. Meet me here in the morning and you will see for yourself what this “reasonable guy” does on his bushwalks.’
    â€˜We can’t.’
    â€˜Why?’
    I explained about the crocodile cruise. Blacky snorted in my head.
    â€˜Oh, puhlease. You’re not here to have fun, boyo.’
    â€˜Actually, we are.’
    Now he sighed. The inside of my head was like a wind tunnel.
    â€˜Okay. But as soon as you get back from your fun-packed jaunt, you’ll come with me. It’s time for you to be educated, tosh.’
    Later, I lay in bed listening to Dyl breathing. I’d filled him in on Blacky’s plans for us, but he’d fallen asleep halfway through my explanation. That was okay. I was tired, too. In fact, I was just dropping off when I heard raised voices from the cabin next door.
    It seems Rose and Cy were discussing each other’s failings. Loudly. I couldn’t quite make out full sentences, but female dogs appeared to be the major topic of conversation. I smiled. A good day for dramas , I thought, as I slipped under a final wave of tiredness.
    But I had no idea – no idea at all – of the dramas that would unfold the next day.

The river was broad, sluggish and brown. The tour boat moved slowly towards its centre.
    â€˜Good morning everyone,’ said Brendan over the PA system. ‘And welcome to the Branaghan Wilderness Lodge Crocodile Tour. My name is Brendan and my partner Julie – give a wave, Julie – will be assisting me today. Before we get started there are a few emergency procedures I should go through. But rest assured, this tour has been operating for twenty years and we haven’t lost anyone yet.’
    Most of the tourists on the boat gave a small titter of nervous laughter. Rose and Cy laughed as if Brendan was the star turn at an International Comedy Festival. Then they glowered at each other, as he told us what to do in the event of the boat sinking and where to find flotation devices.
    â€˜I should point out, though,’ he added, ‘that the lifejackets are bright orange. Research has shown that crocodiles are attracted to the colour orange. So it might be a better idea to throw the lifejackets one way and swim like hell in the opposite direction.’
    The laughter this time was decidedly more nervous, though Rose and Cy appeared to be on the verge of wetting