nightmare about my teeth falling out again
and then their pig friends are like
LOL, Freud said that one is subliminally about masturbation?
”
Justin kind of gave a little chuckle, which only fueled my desire to keep going. Guys liked funny girls, right? “Also, can you imagine a pig lying on a massage table saying,
Can you work my lower back some more? I must have pulled a muscle scoring that winning soccer goal yesterday
.”
Here Justin actually snorted. There was no stopping me now.
“So sorry, Jenny, that I didn’t know discrimination against pigs was so rampant,” I said, wrapping it up. “I’ll try not to take their little piggy names in vain again.”
Jenny, who looked like she was about to shoot lava out her ears, waved me over. Tina got all excited.
“I think she wants to tell you something,” Tina said, clasping her hands together like she was thanking God for all her wonderful head-shrinking gifts.
I walked over to where Jenny was sitting. She hauled herself out of the beanbag, stood up, whispered “Fuck you” in my ear so quietly only I could hear it, and then socked me surprisingly hard in the gut.
And just like that—barf-o-rama. I couldn’t have stopped the flood even if I’d wanted to. During the past six months of stealth purging, I’d had to learn to puke quickly and quietly by clenching my stomach. Only this time, Jenny had clenched it for me—with her fist.
I wouldn’t have even felt bad about it—score one for me for getting rid of all those calories, and two for getting back at someone who’d just told me to f-off—except for the fact that Justin had witnessed it. Not sexy. No amount of laughs would make up for that kind of gross performance.
Though my lunch got tossed mostly on the floor, some of my regurgitated taco and from the looks of it, banana and broccoli, landed on Jenny’s shoes. She took one look at her defiled blue canvas Toms and tackled me to the ground. At first, I tried to block her kicks and punches without really fighting back, but then gave up the whole pacifist thing and started scuffling hard.
“Pig pile!” I screamed, just because I knew it would piss off Jenny even more. Also I hoped it might be amusing enough to take Justin’s mind off the fact that I’d just vomited extremely uncutely in front of him.
Diana must have felt left out because a few seconds later she came at us full force. “Pigs are delicious!” she whooped, diving in between Jenny and me. “And vegetarians are all ugly pussies with hairy armpits who won’t wear makeup because it’s tested on animals!”
Somewhere along the way, Chip and Justin had start beating the crap out of each other, too. Only Mohammed, whom I’d pegged as the biggest brawler of them all, stayed out of the fray.
Tina’s calm request for us to stop fighting went ignored. Then she yelled at us to “Cut it out!” Still nothing. She tried pulling us off of each other. It was a total losing battle.
“Jenny stopped talking because the piglet she raised from birth won the 4-H fair, you asshole!” Chip screamed at me, even though he was using Justin as his punching bag. “Don’t make fun of her and don’t say the goddamn word
bacon
!”
“She’s mute because her pig won? That’s crazy!” I screamed back.
“No, because then they sell the winning pig. And slaughter it,” Chip spat. “Her stepfather thought it was funny to tell her the next day the bacon she was eating was actually from her pig. She freaked out, stopped talking, and the rest is Heartland history.”
“I’m sorry, Jenny. That’s awful. I wish you’d told me before … or, I guess I mean, wrote me one of your notes about that before.” I let go of her ponytail and dragged myself out of the catfight. Diana quit throwing jabs. Even Justin and Chip untangled themselves from each other and went back to their seats.
“Wilbur was the coolest pig ever,” Jenny whispered, shaking and crying.
Tina started applauding. “Great
and then their pig friends are like
LOL, Freud said that one is subliminally about masturbation?
”
Justin kind of gave a little chuckle, which only fueled my desire to keep going. Guys liked funny girls, right? “Also, can you imagine a pig lying on a massage table saying,
Can you work my lower back some more? I must have pulled a muscle scoring that winning soccer goal yesterday
.”
Here Justin actually snorted. There was no stopping me now.
“So sorry, Jenny, that I didn’t know discrimination against pigs was so rampant,” I said, wrapping it up. “I’ll try not to take their little piggy names in vain again.”
Jenny, who looked like she was about to shoot lava out her ears, waved me over. Tina got all excited.
“I think she wants to tell you something,” Tina said, clasping her hands together like she was thanking God for all her wonderful head-shrinking gifts.
I walked over to where Jenny was sitting. She hauled herself out of the beanbag, stood up, whispered “Fuck you” in my ear so quietly only I could hear it, and then socked me surprisingly hard in the gut.
And just like that—barf-o-rama. I couldn’t have stopped the flood even if I’d wanted to. During the past six months of stealth purging, I’d had to learn to puke quickly and quietly by clenching my stomach. Only this time, Jenny had clenched it for me—with her fist.
I wouldn’t have even felt bad about it—score one for me for getting rid of all those calories, and two for getting back at someone who’d just told me to f-off—except for the fact that Justin had witnessed it. Not sexy. No amount of laughs would make up for that kind of gross performance.
Though my lunch got tossed mostly on the floor, some of my regurgitated taco and from the looks of it, banana and broccoli, landed on Jenny’s shoes. She took one look at her defiled blue canvas Toms and tackled me to the ground. At first, I tried to block her kicks and punches without really fighting back, but then gave up the whole pacifist thing and started scuffling hard.
“Pig pile!” I screamed, just because I knew it would piss off Jenny even more. Also I hoped it might be amusing enough to take Justin’s mind off the fact that I’d just vomited extremely uncutely in front of him.
Diana must have felt left out because a few seconds later she came at us full force. “Pigs are delicious!” she whooped, diving in between Jenny and me. “And vegetarians are all ugly pussies with hairy armpits who won’t wear makeup because it’s tested on animals!”
Somewhere along the way, Chip and Justin had start beating the crap out of each other, too. Only Mohammed, whom I’d pegged as the biggest brawler of them all, stayed out of the fray.
Tina’s calm request for us to stop fighting went ignored. Then she yelled at us to “Cut it out!” Still nothing. She tried pulling us off of each other. It was a total losing battle.
“Jenny stopped talking because the piglet she raised from birth won the 4-H fair, you asshole!” Chip screamed at me, even though he was using Justin as his punching bag. “Don’t make fun of her and don’t say the goddamn word
bacon
!”
“She’s mute because her pig won? That’s crazy!” I screamed back.
“No, because then they sell the winning pig. And slaughter it,” Chip spat. “Her stepfather thought it was funny to tell her the next day the bacon she was eating was actually from her pig. She freaked out, stopped talking, and the rest is Heartland history.”
“I’m sorry, Jenny. That’s awful. I wish you’d told me before … or, I guess I mean, wrote me one of your notes about that before.” I let go of her ponytail and dragged myself out of the catfight. Diana quit throwing jabs. Even Justin and Chip untangled themselves from each other and went back to their seats.
“Wilbur was the coolest pig ever,” Jenny whispered, shaking and crying.
Tina started applauding. “Great
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