much she loved her. And yes, she even said it was okay if she wanted to go, not ever thinking it would happen. But it had. And Pepper hadn’t been ready for it.
“I want you back,” Pepper sobbed. “I wasn’t ready to let you go. Ooh, Mom.” Burying her face in her arms, her emotions poured out. She couldn’t keep them contained any longer. The upset of last night’s visit at the Octagon and the craziness of the past few days ripped her apart. Tank’s face swam before her tear-filled eyes and her heart clenched. How she needed him to hold her, and tell her it would be all right. Yes, he’d tried to do that six months ago and she hadn’t let him. She’d really botched everything up so badly. With everyone.
Pepper coughed, sat back, and wiped the tears from her cheeks. She tried to catch her breath and took big gulps of air. Her nose was stuffed and pressure began to back up behind her eyes. She was a mess. Blinking away the tears, she pushed herself to her feet, nearly tripping over her bag on the way to the bathroom to blow her nose. Staring at herself in the mirror, the woman she saw reflected was not the woman she used to be. Life experience, both happy and sad, had changed her. It was reflected in the fine lines on her skin and the drawn cheeks, and yes, the hurt even showed in her eyes.
Splashing water over her face, Pepper took deep breaths and calmed herself. Wiping away her smudged mascara, she decided to not bother reapplying it. With another deep breath, she pushed her fingers through her hair, her somewhat cleansing and spontaneous outburst behind her. She had come to terms with it. Really she had; it was just an explosive grief-filled moment that happened sometimes.
After scattering the ashes and finding the hospice in Bali, Pepper had gained a level of understanding. Volunteering in the hospice had been one of the most rewarding experiences. She did everything she could for the sick and their families. A few times she’d held the hand of a person as they left this world and their suffering behind, sitting silently by their side as they drew their last breath. She now knew that the swiftness of her mom’s illness and death was probably a godsend compared to the suffering her lung cancer would have caused. Working at the hospice had taught her a lot about life and gave her the courage to come home. Overall though, she enjoyed the people, slow pace of life, the peace and tranquility. If only she could bring that back here with her.
Pepper shivered, longing for the heat of Bali. There was nothing but cold and snow here. She glanced out the window and her shoulders drooped. Gray skies and blustery snow as far as the eye could see. She really did try to find the beauty in winter, but she couldn’t.
Had it been a mistake to come back? Sometimes you can’t go back to what once was. Maybe she’d taken too long. It’d been easier to stay away than to return and say she was sorry. She hadn’t kept in touch. Mainly because her cellphone had died, the battery and charger fried from the different electrical currents and from getting wet when she’d left her bag in the rain. She didn’t want to pay for an international plan, either, and truly she enjoyed the disconnect from technology, so she finally decided to throw it out. It was one of the most liberating experiences, not to be tied to a device that really didn’t bring her any pleasure. If anything, it only increased the distance between her and human contact.
Pepper did regret not calling Tank before ditching the phone. She should have; she knew that now. But, at the time, she’d been unable to find the courage to call. Then time had just gotten away from her. It seemed too late to reach out when she finally did have the courage to face him and likely, his anger. She’d just chickened out.
Slinging the duffel over her shoulder, she scanned the hotel room one last time, looking for anything she might have forgotten. All good. After closing the
“I want you back,” Pepper sobbed. “I wasn’t ready to let you go. Ooh, Mom.” Burying her face in her arms, her emotions poured out. She couldn’t keep them contained any longer. The upset of last night’s visit at the Octagon and the craziness of the past few days ripped her apart. Tank’s face swam before her tear-filled eyes and her heart clenched. How she needed him to hold her, and tell her it would be all right. Yes, he’d tried to do that six months ago and she hadn’t let him. She’d really botched everything up so badly. With everyone.
Pepper coughed, sat back, and wiped the tears from her cheeks. She tried to catch her breath and took big gulps of air. Her nose was stuffed and pressure began to back up behind her eyes. She was a mess. Blinking away the tears, she pushed herself to her feet, nearly tripping over her bag on the way to the bathroom to blow her nose. Staring at herself in the mirror, the woman she saw reflected was not the woman she used to be. Life experience, both happy and sad, had changed her. It was reflected in the fine lines on her skin and the drawn cheeks, and yes, the hurt even showed in her eyes.
Splashing water over her face, Pepper took deep breaths and calmed herself. Wiping away her smudged mascara, she decided to not bother reapplying it. With another deep breath, she pushed her fingers through her hair, her somewhat cleansing and spontaneous outburst behind her. She had come to terms with it. Really she had; it was just an explosive grief-filled moment that happened sometimes.
After scattering the ashes and finding the hospice in Bali, Pepper had gained a level of understanding. Volunteering in the hospice had been one of the most rewarding experiences. She did everything she could for the sick and their families. A few times she’d held the hand of a person as they left this world and their suffering behind, sitting silently by their side as they drew their last breath. She now knew that the swiftness of her mom’s illness and death was probably a godsend compared to the suffering her lung cancer would have caused. Working at the hospice had taught her a lot about life and gave her the courage to come home. Overall though, she enjoyed the people, slow pace of life, the peace and tranquility. If only she could bring that back here with her.
Pepper shivered, longing for the heat of Bali. There was nothing but cold and snow here. She glanced out the window and her shoulders drooped. Gray skies and blustery snow as far as the eye could see. She really did try to find the beauty in winter, but she couldn’t.
Had it been a mistake to come back? Sometimes you can’t go back to what once was. Maybe she’d taken too long. It’d been easier to stay away than to return and say she was sorry. She hadn’t kept in touch. Mainly because her cellphone had died, the battery and charger fried from the different electrical currents and from getting wet when she’d left her bag in the rain. She didn’t want to pay for an international plan, either, and truly she enjoyed the disconnect from technology, so she finally decided to throw it out. It was one of the most liberating experiences, not to be tied to a device that really didn’t bring her any pleasure. If anything, it only increased the distance between her and human contact.
Pepper did regret not calling Tank before ditching the phone. She should have; she knew that now. But, at the time, she’d been unable to find the courage to call. Then time had just gotten away from her. It seemed too late to reach out when she finally did have the courage to face him and likely, his anger. She’d just chickened out.
Slinging the duffel over her shoulder, she scanned the hotel room one last time, looking for anything she might have forgotten. All good. After closing the
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