sorry. It just ran off, so –
DUCHESS: Oh don’t worry about that, dolly. Getting that baby off my hands was the best thing I ever did – I can’t tell you how much
better I feel – calmer, more adjusted, freer, less tense – so much less tense, I was carrying all this tension in my neck, in my shoulders –
No dolly, you’re holding it the wrong way up.
ALICE: Um, OK.
DUCHESS: And you must greet it nicely.
ALICE: Sorry?
DUCHESS: Say hello.
ALICE: Um, hello. Flamingo.
FLAMINGO: Mr Flamingo if you don’t mind.
DUCHESS: You’ve to be very polite or it won’t hit when you want it to.
ALICE: Um, sorry. Mr Flamingo.
FLAMINGO: That’s better.
DUCHESS: Bad-tempered things, flamingos, but you have to humour them.
FLAMINGO: I heard that.
DUCHESS: Isn’t this fun? Now, you need a hedgehog as well.
That’s the other good thing about losing the silly baby – now the queen will surely have me back. As soon as she sees me she’ll – You don’t think
she’s only got me here to make up the numbers or something, do you?
ALICE: I’m sure not.
The DUCHESS has picked a hedgehog for ALICE .
DUCHESS: Here’s a good beginner’s one, try this. Just give it a little tap with the flamingo.
ALICE: Isn’t that cruel?
DUCHESS: No no, they love it.
HEDGEHOG: Hello, my name’s Roger and I’m going to be your hedgehog for today – any questions at all, don’t hesitate to ask.
Now feel free to hit me as hard as you like – I am a professional. Though I would ask you please to avoid the facial area as I need that for my modelling contracts.
ALICE: Modelling?
HEDGEHOG: I’m wasted here, quite frankly.
DUCHESS: Go on, dolly – have a go.
HEDGEHOG: So I roll up like this and then you hit me.
ALICE: With the flamingo.
FLAMINGO: Mr Flamingo.
HEDGEHOG: And then you try to get me through that little arch there, OK.
ALICE has a go. The HEDGEHOG yelps each time he’s hit .
Eeep! Thank you.
DUCHESS: Very good. Keep going.
You do think the queen will receive me today, don’t you? Just have to make sure I pick the right moment –
A fanfare .
Oh dolly, she’s coming, she’s coming.
The DUCHESS drags ALICE off the pitch .
COMMENTATOR 1: If you’ve just joined us we’re reporting from the annual All – Wonderland Croquet Tournament, in the presence of her
majesty the queen, croquet’s greatest fan.
COMMENTATOR 2: And of course his majesty the king.
COMMENTATOR 1: The king, yes, and her majesty the queen looking as radiant as ever – you know, it’s a wonder to me to think that those
delicate hands were up until last night hard at work baking tarts, and yet now here she is, quite serene, not a dusting of flour or a spot of jam in sight.
She is, truly, the Queen of Hearts.
COMMENTATOR 2: And what a tea we shall all have later.
COMMENTATOR 1: The white rabbit there, attending to every royal whim in his usual indispensable way, the model of discretion.
ALICE: (To DUCHESS .) Does the White Rabbit work for the queen?
COMMENTATOR 2: What secrets must those ears have heard, eh?
COMMENTATOR 1: Yes indeed.
ALICE: If he works for the queen that must mean I’m in the right place, mustn’t it?
COMMENTATOR 2: Not um, not bad secrets, I mean –
COMMENTATOR 1: The queen now rising from her royal seat to address the crowd – a reverent hush, if you please.
The QUEEN stands up .
ALICE looks at the QUEEN properly for the first time .
ALICE: She looks like my mum!
DUCHESS: Shhh.
QUEEN: Most dear, most loyal, most delicious subjects.
ALICE: She sounds like my mum, too –
QUEEN: It is with great pleasure that you would like to thank me for laying on such a magnificent spectacle this afternoon, and for the love and fidelity
that you enjoy. From me.
ALICE: This means I’m definitely in the right place.
DUCHESS: Really, dolly, you ought to be quiet.
QUEEN: I think we can all agree that there is no-one in all Wonderland more wonderful than me, and for that you are of course, profoundly
DUCHESS: Oh don’t worry about that, dolly. Getting that baby off my hands was the best thing I ever did – I can’t tell you how much
better I feel – calmer, more adjusted, freer, less tense – so much less tense, I was carrying all this tension in my neck, in my shoulders –
No dolly, you’re holding it the wrong way up.
ALICE: Um, OK.
DUCHESS: And you must greet it nicely.
ALICE: Sorry?
DUCHESS: Say hello.
ALICE: Um, hello. Flamingo.
FLAMINGO: Mr Flamingo if you don’t mind.
DUCHESS: You’ve to be very polite or it won’t hit when you want it to.
ALICE: Um, sorry. Mr Flamingo.
FLAMINGO: That’s better.
DUCHESS: Bad-tempered things, flamingos, but you have to humour them.
FLAMINGO: I heard that.
DUCHESS: Isn’t this fun? Now, you need a hedgehog as well.
That’s the other good thing about losing the silly baby – now the queen will surely have me back. As soon as she sees me she’ll – You don’t think
she’s only got me here to make up the numbers or something, do you?
ALICE: I’m sure not.
The DUCHESS has picked a hedgehog for ALICE .
DUCHESS: Here’s a good beginner’s one, try this. Just give it a little tap with the flamingo.
ALICE: Isn’t that cruel?
DUCHESS: No no, they love it.
HEDGEHOG: Hello, my name’s Roger and I’m going to be your hedgehog for today – any questions at all, don’t hesitate to ask.
Now feel free to hit me as hard as you like – I am a professional. Though I would ask you please to avoid the facial area as I need that for my modelling contracts.
ALICE: Modelling?
HEDGEHOG: I’m wasted here, quite frankly.
DUCHESS: Go on, dolly – have a go.
HEDGEHOG: So I roll up like this and then you hit me.
ALICE: With the flamingo.
FLAMINGO: Mr Flamingo.
HEDGEHOG: And then you try to get me through that little arch there, OK.
ALICE has a go. The HEDGEHOG yelps each time he’s hit .
Eeep! Thank you.
DUCHESS: Very good. Keep going.
You do think the queen will receive me today, don’t you? Just have to make sure I pick the right moment –
A fanfare .
Oh dolly, she’s coming, she’s coming.
The DUCHESS drags ALICE off the pitch .
COMMENTATOR 1: If you’ve just joined us we’re reporting from the annual All – Wonderland Croquet Tournament, in the presence of her
majesty the queen, croquet’s greatest fan.
COMMENTATOR 2: And of course his majesty the king.
COMMENTATOR 1: The king, yes, and her majesty the queen looking as radiant as ever – you know, it’s a wonder to me to think that those
delicate hands were up until last night hard at work baking tarts, and yet now here she is, quite serene, not a dusting of flour or a spot of jam in sight.
She is, truly, the Queen of Hearts.
COMMENTATOR 2: And what a tea we shall all have later.
COMMENTATOR 1: The white rabbit there, attending to every royal whim in his usual indispensable way, the model of discretion.
ALICE: (To DUCHESS .) Does the White Rabbit work for the queen?
COMMENTATOR 2: What secrets must those ears have heard, eh?
COMMENTATOR 1: Yes indeed.
ALICE: If he works for the queen that must mean I’m in the right place, mustn’t it?
COMMENTATOR 2: Not um, not bad secrets, I mean –
COMMENTATOR 1: The queen now rising from her royal seat to address the crowd – a reverent hush, if you please.
The QUEEN stands up .
ALICE looks at the QUEEN properly for the first time .
ALICE: She looks like my mum!
DUCHESS: Shhh.
QUEEN: Most dear, most loyal, most delicious subjects.
ALICE: She sounds like my mum, too –
QUEEN: It is with great pleasure that you would like to thank me for laying on such a magnificent spectacle this afternoon, and for the love and fidelity
that you enjoy. From me.
ALICE: This means I’m definitely in the right place.
DUCHESS: Really, dolly, you ought to be quiet.
QUEEN: I think we can all agree that there is no-one in all Wonderland more wonderful than me, and for that you are of course, profoundly
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