grateful. From
the bottom of your hearts.
ALICE: I should go and speak to her then maybe she can click her fingers or her shoes or something and get me out of here.
ALICE steps over the rope at the side of the pitch to try to move towards the QUEEN , but before she’s covered any
distance, a match OFFICIAL swoops in and stops her .
OFFICIAL: Sorry miss, you can’t go over there.
ALICE: But I need to speak to my –
OFFICIAL: Come on, we don’t want any trouble – off the green, please.
ALICE: But I want to talk to the queen.
OFFICIAL: Only players allowed to approach the queen, miss.
QUEEN: My husband and I were remarking only the other day how lucky you are to be ruled by such a just, reasonable, compassionate queen as me –
There’s a shout from an unseen WONDERLANDER in the crowd .
WONDERLANDER: Tell us about the tarts!
QUEEN: Who said that? Off with his head!
The KING comes closer to the QUEEN ’s side .
KING: Beheadings later, my dear – Please continue, we’re hanging on every word.
The QUEEN composes herself and continues .
QUEEN: I simply cannot tell you how pleased you are to be here, in the presence of me. Me are happy to invite you all – or those of you still in
possession of your heads by that point – to a croquet tea at which my home made tarts will be served to the most deserving among you.
But before that – to the match. What a happy coincidence that croquet, my favourite sport, is also the favourite sport of all Wonderlanders everywhere. And what an
exciting game me will have today – a champion, undefeated for twenty-five matches, and an unknown challenger. Who among you is brave enough to take on this quest for glory?
The QUEEN looks at the crowd. No-one volunteers .
I SAID – who among you is brave enough to take on the challenge?
ALICE: Why won’t anyone volunteer?
DUCHESS: No one could defeat the champion. He’s –
QUEEN: Never mind that the last challenger had to have a hedgehog removed from his buttocks – he was right as rain in no time.
Come on, Wonderland. Where’s your lust for adventure?
Still no volunteers .
I WANT TO WATCH SOME CROQUET.
If no one volunteers then off with everyone’s head. Off with his head, and her head, and his head and his head and off with their heads over there and...
ALICE: If I play, I’ll get to meet the queen, right?
DUCHESS: You play?
ALICE looks at her HEDGEHOG and FLAMINGO .
ALICE: What d’you think, guys?
HEDGEHOG: No no no I’m scared, he’s scary.
FLAMINGO: Do you know, I can’t today, I’ve got to go to the chiropodist.
ALICE: Come on, let’s be brave, let’s do it.
ALICE goes to the match official .
I’d like to be the challenger, please.
OFFICIAL: Are you sure?
QUEEN: ... and your head and your head and –
OFFICIAL: Your majesty – we have a challenger.
ALICE steps forward. The QUEEN looks her up and down with a flicker of recognition, then claps her hands, delighted .
The crowd breathes a sigh of relief .
QUEEN: Bring out the champion!
The crowd goes wild as the champion (wearing a helmet with a face-cage) is carried in, triumphant, and does a pre-emptive lap of honour .
COMMENTATOR 1: The crowd going suitably loopy there for the entrance of the All-Wonderland Croquet champion.
COMMENTATOR 2: And we’ve just been passed some statistics about today’s challenger – never been known to win a tournament, never to
our knowledge even handled a flamingo.
COMMENTATOR 1: Could this be the shortest game in the history of this venerable championship?
The champion takes off his mask and snarls at the crowd who squeal with delight .
ALICE recognises him .
ALICE: That’s the man – that’s the man I saw! He’s the champion?
FLAMINGO: The Knave of Hearts.
ALICE: But he can’t be – I saw him –
FLAMINGO: Never been beaten. He’s the queen’s favourite.
HEDGEHOG: Gosh, the things he can do with a hedgehog...
The KNAVE , having finished snarling at the crowd, advances on ALICE
the bottom of your hearts.
ALICE: I should go and speak to her then maybe she can click her fingers or her shoes or something and get me out of here.
ALICE steps over the rope at the side of the pitch to try to move towards the QUEEN , but before she’s covered any
distance, a match OFFICIAL swoops in and stops her .
OFFICIAL: Sorry miss, you can’t go over there.
ALICE: But I need to speak to my –
OFFICIAL: Come on, we don’t want any trouble – off the green, please.
ALICE: But I want to talk to the queen.
OFFICIAL: Only players allowed to approach the queen, miss.
QUEEN: My husband and I were remarking only the other day how lucky you are to be ruled by such a just, reasonable, compassionate queen as me –
There’s a shout from an unseen WONDERLANDER in the crowd .
WONDERLANDER: Tell us about the tarts!
QUEEN: Who said that? Off with his head!
The KING comes closer to the QUEEN ’s side .
KING: Beheadings later, my dear – Please continue, we’re hanging on every word.
The QUEEN composes herself and continues .
QUEEN: I simply cannot tell you how pleased you are to be here, in the presence of me. Me are happy to invite you all – or those of you still in
possession of your heads by that point – to a croquet tea at which my home made tarts will be served to the most deserving among you.
But before that – to the match. What a happy coincidence that croquet, my favourite sport, is also the favourite sport of all Wonderlanders everywhere. And what an
exciting game me will have today – a champion, undefeated for twenty-five matches, and an unknown challenger. Who among you is brave enough to take on this quest for glory?
The QUEEN looks at the crowd. No-one volunteers .
I SAID – who among you is brave enough to take on the challenge?
ALICE: Why won’t anyone volunteer?
DUCHESS: No one could defeat the champion. He’s –
QUEEN: Never mind that the last challenger had to have a hedgehog removed from his buttocks – he was right as rain in no time.
Come on, Wonderland. Where’s your lust for adventure?
Still no volunteers .
I WANT TO WATCH SOME CROQUET.
If no one volunteers then off with everyone’s head. Off with his head, and her head, and his head and his head and off with their heads over there and...
ALICE: If I play, I’ll get to meet the queen, right?
DUCHESS: You play?
ALICE looks at her HEDGEHOG and FLAMINGO .
ALICE: What d’you think, guys?
HEDGEHOG: No no no I’m scared, he’s scary.
FLAMINGO: Do you know, I can’t today, I’ve got to go to the chiropodist.
ALICE: Come on, let’s be brave, let’s do it.
ALICE goes to the match official .
I’d like to be the challenger, please.
OFFICIAL: Are you sure?
QUEEN: ... and your head and your head and –
OFFICIAL: Your majesty – we have a challenger.
ALICE steps forward. The QUEEN looks her up and down with a flicker of recognition, then claps her hands, delighted .
The crowd breathes a sigh of relief .
QUEEN: Bring out the champion!
The crowd goes wild as the champion (wearing a helmet with a face-cage) is carried in, triumphant, and does a pre-emptive lap of honour .
COMMENTATOR 1: The crowd going suitably loopy there for the entrance of the All-Wonderland Croquet champion.
COMMENTATOR 2: And we’ve just been passed some statistics about today’s challenger – never been known to win a tournament, never to
our knowledge even handled a flamingo.
COMMENTATOR 1: Could this be the shortest game in the history of this venerable championship?
The champion takes off his mask and snarls at the crowd who squeal with delight .
ALICE recognises him .
ALICE: That’s the man – that’s the man I saw! He’s the champion?
FLAMINGO: The Knave of Hearts.
ALICE: But he can’t be – I saw him –
FLAMINGO: Never been beaten. He’s the queen’s favourite.
HEDGEHOG: Gosh, the things he can do with a hedgehog...
The KNAVE , having finished snarling at the crowd, advances on ALICE
Similar Books
