you, the palace is over there.
ALICE: Yes, but someone’s –
BOY: (To the girl.) By the way, are you going to the croquet?
GIRL: Maybe, why?
ALICE: No, fine, ignore me, carry on.
BOY: Just they’ve given me a second ticket, so –
GIRL: Yeah, I’ve got a ticket.
ALICE: There’s a man stealing your cakes, yeah?
BOY: But is it in the royal stand?
GIRL: No.
ALICE: Hello?
BOY: Stick with me, princess.
ALICE: I mean he’s being pretty obvious.
BOY: They don’t let just anyone do the tart cooling, you know. Responsibility.
GIRL: What tarts?
BOY: These. Tarts.
The BOY turns to look at the trolley, but there are no tarts left, they’ve all been taken .
GIRL: Like I say, what tarts?
BOY: No no no no no – no no no – oh my – They were there, where’ve they gone –
The BOY panics .
No no no no no I am in massive trouble. This is Jamageddon, they’re going to kill me...
He runs off with the trolley, and the GIRL hurries after him .
GIRL: It’s not your fault, though...
The KNAVE comes towards ALICE , threateningly .
ALICE: It’s not very nice, you know, taking other people’s cake –
KNAVE: You saw nothing, right?
ALICE: I saw you take all those – that poor boy, it’s not fair to –
The KNAVE comes right up to ALICE and takes her chin in his hand .
KNAVE: You didn’t see anything.
If you tell them what you saw, I’ll kill you.
Got that?
ALICE nods, speechless. He leaves, stealthily .
ALICE is left alone .
Interval .
ACT TWO
The Queen’s Croquet Ground. A number of young WONDERLANDERS are playing croquet on the lawn, watched by two COMMENTATORS in their own mobile commentary box .
ALICE sits at the edge of the lawn, with the DUCHESS next to her .
COMMENTATOR 1: And that cracking shot concludes our warm-up match from the Junior Wonderlanders Croquet League.
COMMENTATOR 2: Stars of the future there...
COMMENTATOR 1: Yes indeed. And on their way to the podium now for the medals presentation.
COMMENTATOR 2: Who knows, one day these youngsters may find themselves being presented with a medal by the queen herself.
COMMENTATOR 1: What a proud day that would be.
DUCHESS: Isn’t it exciting, dolly?
ALICE: What?
DUCHESS: To be here. Today.
ALICE: I um – I don’t quite know how I got here.
DUCHESS: I’m like that, I forget things all the time.
ALICE: I mean I was just talking to that scary man and now I’m – Now I’m here.
Sorry, where am I exactly?
DUCHESS: Silly dolly. You’re at the queen’s croquet ground.
ALICE: The queen of Hearts?
DUCHESS: Aren’t you more excited than you’ve ever been? A game of croquet and then tea.
ALICE: I don’t really know anything about croquet.
DUCHESS: Gosh dolly, don’t say that anywhere near her majesty – the queen’s mad for croquet.
ALICE: Is the queen here?
DUCHESS: She’ll be here any minute, for the big match. Do you really mean to tell me you’ve never played croquet?
ALICE: It’s a bit old-fashioned where I come from.
DUCHESS: Darling dolly, come over here and let me show you.
They go towards a rack of flamingos and a bucket of hedgehogs .
ALICE: Um, look, there’s something I should tell you.
DUCHESS: Don’t tell me – you think I’m so much calmer since you last saw me, my skin’s looking so much better...
ALICE: Yeah, it’s just – You know the baby?
DUCHESS: The little pig.
ALICE: Yes.
The DUCHESS looks at a number of flamingos .
DUCHESS: You’ll need one of these.
ALICE: Thing is, it turned out it was actually a pig.
DUCHESS: Yes, I know. Horrid little thing, caterwauling all the –
Here you are – this might be the right size.
The DUCHESS hands ALICE the flamingo. ALICE doesn’t know how to hold it .
ALICE: The thing is, um, I’m terribly sorry, but –
DUCHESS: No, that’s too short.
ALICE: I’m everso sorry but I’m afraid it ran away.
DUCHESS: What about this one?
The DUCHESS hands her another flamingo .
What ran away?
ALICE: The pig. The pigbaby. I’m really
ALICE: Yes, but someone’s –
BOY: (To the girl.) By the way, are you going to the croquet?
GIRL: Maybe, why?
ALICE: No, fine, ignore me, carry on.
BOY: Just they’ve given me a second ticket, so –
GIRL: Yeah, I’ve got a ticket.
ALICE: There’s a man stealing your cakes, yeah?
BOY: But is it in the royal stand?
GIRL: No.
ALICE: Hello?
BOY: Stick with me, princess.
ALICE: I mean he’s being pretty obvious.
BOY: They don’t let just anyone do the tart cooling, you know. Responsibility.
GIRL: What tarts?
BOY: These. Tarts.
The BOY turns to look at the trolley, but there are no tarts left, they’ve all been taken .
GIRL: Like I say, what tarts?
BOY: No no no no no – no no no – oh my – They were there, where’ve they gone –
The BOY panics .
No no no no no I am in massive trouble. This is Jamageddon, they’re going to kill me...
He runs off with the trolley, and the GIRL hurries after him .
GIRL: It’s not your fault, though...
The KNAVE comes towards ALICE , threateningly .
ALICE: It’s not very nice, you know, taking other people’s cake –
KNAVE: You saw nothing, right?
ALICE: I saw you take all those – that poor boy, it’s not fair to –
The KNAVE comes right up to ALICE and takes her chin in his hand .
KNAVE: You didn’t see anything.
If you tell them what you saw, I’ll kill you.
Got that?
ALICE nods, speechless. He leaves, stealthily .
ALICE is left alone .
Interval .
ACT TWO
The Queen’s Croquet Ground. A number of young WONDERLANDERS are playing croquet on the lawn, watched by two COMMENTATORS in their own mobile commentary box .
ALICE sits at the edge of the lawn, with the DUCHESS next to her .
COMMENTATOR 1: And that cracking shot concludes our warm-up match from the Junior Wonderlanders Croquet League.
COMMENTATOR 2: Stars of the future there...
COMMENTATOR 1: Yes indeed. And on their way to the podium now for the medals presentation.
COMMENTATOR 2: Who knows, one day these youngsters may find themselves being presented with a medal by the queen herself.
COMMENTATOR 1: What a proud day that would be.
DUCHESS: Isn’t it exciting, dolly?
ALICE: What?
DUCHESS: To be here. Today.
ALICE: I um – I don’t quite know how I got here.
DUCHESS: I’m like that, I forget things all the time.
ALICE: I mean I was just talking to that scary man and now I’m – Now I’m here.
Sorry, where am I exactly?
DUCHESS: Silly dolly. You’re at the queen’s croquet ground.
ALICE: The queen of Hearts?
DUCHESS: Aren’t you more excited than you’ve ever been? A game of croquet and then tea.
ALICE: I don’t really know anything about croquet.
DUCHESS: Gosh dolly, don’t say that anywhere near her majesty – the queen’s mad for croquet.
ALICE: Is the queen here?
DUCHESS: She’ll be here any minute, for the big match. Do you really mean to tell me you’ve never played croquet?
ALICE: It’s a bit old-fashioned where I come from.
DUCHESS: Darling dolly, come over here and let me show you.
They go towards a rack of flamingos and a bucket of hedgehogs .
ALICE: Um, look, there’s something I should tell you.
DUCHESS: Don’t tell me – you think I’m so much calmer since you last saw me, my skin’s looking so much better...
ALICE: Yeah, it’s just – You know the baby?
DUCHESS: The little pig.
ALICE: Yes.
The DUCHESS looks at a number of flamingos .
DUCHESS: You’ll need one of these.
ALICE: Thing is, it turned out it was actually a pig.
DUCHESS: Yes, I know. Horrid little thing, caterwauling all the –
Here you are – this might be the right size.
The DUCHESS hands ALICE the flamingo. ALICE doesn’t know how to hold it .
ALICE: The thing is, um, I’m terribly sorry, but –
DUCHESS: No, that’s too short.
ALICE: I’m everso sorry but I’m afraid it ran away.
DUCHESS: What about this one?
The DUCHESS hands her another flamingo .
What ran away?
ALICE: The pig. The pigbaby. I’m really
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