during our evening, I lost it. I noticed Sam and, I impulsively, told you that I didn ’ t want you, India. ”
‘ That ’ s too bad, because I don ’ t care anymore. I ’ m done with running now and listening to your pathetic explanation. We are done and we could have been happy. Just stay away from me, Oliver. It ’ s bad enough that I have to see you on campus . ”
She isn ’ t that shy India that I remembered from the past. Fuck, she is strong and I ’ m weak, lost, trying to apologise. Fucking pathetic.
“ India, I can ’ t stay away. ”
“ You have to because there is no place for you in my life. ”
My breath catches, but India is already at the door. I want to stop her, but I can ’ t. It ’ s like my own hatred is eating me from inside out, blazing over my body. She doesn ’ t even want my friendship. She doesn ’ t want my love.
“ Excuse me, this is a ladies ’ toilet . ”
A new voice startles me. I push my numb legs forward and disappear. A split-second decision cost me India ’ s love, and now I can ’ t take it back. My future with her has fallen apart and it can ’ t be fixed.
I head home. Five minutes ago, for the first time in my life I was going to tell a girl that I was in love with her. But that didn ’ t happen because she crushed me down, squashing my balls with her bare hand. Now I get how she felt when I threw her love for me back in her face. India is right: I destroyed both of us and all the feelings that we shared, because of my stupid ego.
On the way home I stop at my local corner shop and buy a bottle of vodka. Even that fucking bottle reminds me of her birthday, when I took her to see that meteor shower. She loved it and at least that one time I was proud of myself. Once I pay for the purchase, I head home and lock myself in my room.
For some reason I need to take the edge off my mood. My hands are trembling when I unscrew the bottle. The liquid burns my throat, but in some ways this painful conversation with India makes me realise that I love her so much it hurts my body. She doesn ’ t love me. Within hours her feelings for me had changed and, yeah, after what she went through years ago with Christian, she has a right not to love me anymore. India probably has never spoken to anyone about the rape, and after Christian ’ s death she had me. It was easier to throw all that anger and suffering onto the only person that reminded her about that bastard. This makes sense, yeah, it does, but I should have done more digging. Instead, I became her punching bag. She was alone, surrounded by all the people who cherished Christian. Now I keep wondering how she kept going.
***
Present
I ’ m going to get drunk tonight and get numb. Only tonight. It ’ s going to be almost impossible to make her trust me again, but I have to leave her alone for a while, show her that I can control myself.
Later I don ’ t know what is happening to me. I lie flat out on the floor, closing my eyes. The vodka is screwing with my head because I start crying. Fuck, a guy like me doesn ’ t let this happen, but yeah, the tears are streaming down my face. It ’ s because I feel India ’ s pain; my chest rises and falls hard. The understanding of her suffering slams right through my body. Hot and cold pain, insults, and the time after the rape. Only a woman like India could have lifted herself up after a night like that.
My own father died not long ago and I didn ’ t feel anything, although he never really cared about me. India is the only one who can redeem me. She has already moved forward, grown up, but me, I ’ m still the same. This has to change.
Next day I wake up with a massive headache. Jacob doesn ’ t know about my conversation with India. Fuck, I don ’ t think anyone knows. Dora still gives me dirty looks in corridors, and India shows off her relationship with that asshole Evans. I take it like a man because I know that he has been there for her when I wasn ’ t.
‘ That ’ s too bad, because I don ’ t care anymore. I ’ m done with running now and listening to your pathetic explanation. We are done and we could have been happy. Just stay away from me, Oliver. It ’ s bad enough that I have to see you on campus . ”
She isn ’ t that shy India that I remembered from the past. Fuck, she is strong and I ’ m weak, lost, trying to apologise. Fucking pathetic.
“ India, I can ’ t stay away. ”
“ You have to because there is no place for you in my life. ”
My breath catches, but India is already at the door. I want to stop her, but I can ’ t. It ’ s like my own hatred is eating me from inside out, blazing over my body. She doesn ’ t even want my friendship. She doesn ’ t want my love.
“ Excuse me, this is a ladies ’ toilet . ”
A new voice startles me. I push my numb legs forward and disappear. A split-second decision cost me India ’ s love, and now I can ’ t take it back. My future with her has fallen apart and it can ’ t be fixed.
I head home. Five minutes ago, for the first time in my life I was going to tell a girl that I was in love with her. But that didn ’ t happen because she crushed me down, squashing my balls with her bare hand. Now I get how she felt when I threw her love for me back in her face. India is right: I destroyed both of us and all the feelings that we shared, because of my stupid ego.
On the way home I stop at my local corner shop and buy a bottle of vodka. Even that fucking bottle reminds me of her birthday, when I took her to see that meteor shower. She loved it and at least that one time I was proud of myself. Once I pay for the purchase, I head home and lock myself in my room.
For some reason I need to take the edge off my mood. My hands are trembling when I unscrew the bottle. The liquid burns my throat, but in some ways this painful conversation with India makes me realise that I love her so much it hurts my body. She doesn ’ t love me. Within hours her feelings for me had changed and, yeah, after what she went through years ago with Christian, she has a right not to love me anymore. India probably has never spoken to anyone about the rape, and after Christian ’ s death she had me. It was easier to throw all that anger and suffering onto the only person that reminded her about that bastard. This makes sense, yeah, it does, but I should have done more digging. Instead, I became her punching bag. She was alone, surrounded by all the people who cherished Christian. Now I keep wondering how she kept going.
***
Present
I ’ m going to get drunk tonight and get numb. Only tonight. It ’ s going to be almost impossible to make her trust me again, but I have to leave her alone for a while, show her that I can control myself.
Later I don ’ t know what is happening to me. I lie flat out on the floor, closing my eyes. The vodka is screwing with my head because I start crying. Fuck, a guy like me doesn ’ t let this happen, but yeah, the tears are streaming down my face. It ’ s because I feel India ’ s pain; my chest rises and falls hard. The understanding of her suffering slams right through my body. Hot and cold pain, insults, and the time after the rape. Only a woman like India could have lifted herself up after a night like that.
My own father died not long ago and I didn ’ t feel anything, although he never really cared about me. India is the only one who can redeem me. She has already moved forward, grown up, but me, I ’ m still the same. This has to change.
Next day I wake up with a massive headache. Jacob doesn ’ t know about my conversation with India. Fuck, I don ’ t think anyone knows. Dora still gives me dirty looks in corridors, and India shows off her relationship with that asshole Evans. I take it like a man because I know that he has been there for her when I wasn ’ t.
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