out. Ellie doesn’t seem to notice that Daddy is not here very much. She is her happy, dancing, and singing self.
91
Dear Penny,
My body is growing, and my hair is growing too. I don’t like that my body is growing so fast, but I am happy about my hair. I can pull my hair into a ponytail for the first time.
My orphanage clothes don’t fit anymore. Wanna had to buy me new clothes. She didn’t buy me dresses because she knows that I don’t like them. I have pants now, which look like Jazz’s pants, except my pants have blue jewel hearts.
The problem is that the more I grow, and with every day that passes by, I am further from the truth. As my body grows, the more I feel like I will never know the beginning of my story. If only I could go back in time and see Her face and listen to Her conversations with Him. What did they say to each other? How does a person decide to leave their baby and a book in the street under a gate? How is it possible that She could decide that plan was the best thing to do? It doesn’t make sense to me and it probably never will. The bigger I get, the more confused I feel. Because now I know that thousands of mothers have made the same decision that She made. Ellie’s mother left her too. Every single child that was in my orphanage and orphanages around the world had mothers that made the same decision. They left their children and never came back. They left their children forever, and they will never know what happened to all of us. How can that be?
92
Dear Penny,
Sometimes when I turn your pages, I think that I will see Her. I think that one of your white pages will become her mirror and her reflection will appear. I imagine her face staring at me and wonder what She will look like, if She will be smiling, if She will be crying, or if She will just stare at me with empty eyes and feel nothing.
93
Dear Penny,
Guess what? I am going to get a dog. Jazz has a dog, and now I am going to have one too. I see Jazz walking her dog to the lake sometimes. Her dog is big and brown and skinny. I think I want a smaller dog.
Wanna said that we will go to a place called the pound to get my dog. The animals that live at the pound don’t have any families. Most of them were given up by a family that couldn’t care for them. It is going to be hard to decide. I wonder how many dogs will be there?
I will be responsible for feeding the dog, taking it outside to go to the bathroom, and cleaning up the poop. The poop part will be gross, but I am ok about the other things.
Ellie wants a dog too, but Wanna says that she is not ready for such a big responsibility. Why does Wanna think that I am ready? It doesn’t matter, really—but I wonder.
94
Dear Penny,
Wanna, Ellie, and I went to the pound. I needed to leave you in the car because I didn’t want you to get dirty from all the dogs. You wouldn’t believe how loud it was in there. I thought my ears would explode. Plus, it smelled awful. I didn’t even want a dog because the smell was so terrible. Wanna told me to hold my nose and take a quick look at the dogs and don’t worry about the smell. Well, that was hard to do because I thought I was going to throw up.
I held one hand on my nose and one hand on my belly and we walked into the dog rooms. All of the dogs were in cages, and we needed to look at them through a metal screen. They were barking and jumping and stinky, and I just wanted to get out of there. Then Wanna told me that each cage had a paper that told about each dog—how old they were, what kind of dog they were, when they came to the pound, if they liked kids, if they were sick, if they liked cats, and if they were a girl or boy dog.
After Wanna showed me the papers on the cage doors, I forgot about the smell. I read the paper about each dog and each of their stories. As I read, the dogs jumped up on the cage doors and spun around and were wild. I forgave the dogs for acting so wild and making my ears hurt, because I knew that
91
Dear Penny,
My body is growing, and my hair is growing too. I don’t like that my body is growing so fast, but I am happy about my hair. I can pull my hair into a ponytail for the first time.
My orphanage clothes don’t fit anymore. Wanna had to buy me new clothes. She didn’t buy me dresses because she knows that I don’t like them. I have pants now, which look like Jazz’s pants, except my pants have blue jewel hearts.
The problem is that the more I grow, and with every day that passes by, I am further from the truth. As my body grows, the more I feel like I will never know the beginning of my story. If only I could go back in time and see Her face and listen to Her conversations with Him. What did they say to each other? How does a person decide to leave their baby and a book in the street under a gate? How is it possible that She could decide that plan was the best thing to do? It doesn’t make sense to me and it probably never will. The bigger I get, the more confused I feel. Because now I know that thousands of mothers have made the same decision that She made. Ellie’s mother left her too. Every single child that was in my orphanage and orphanages around the world had mothers that made the same decision. They left their children and never came back. They left their children forever, and they will never know what happened to all of us. How can that be?
92
Dear Penny,
Sometimes when I turn your pages, I think that I will see Her. I think that one of your white pages will become her mirror and her reflection will appear. I imagine her face staring at me and wonder what She will look like, if She will be smiling, if She will be crying, or if She will just stare at me with empty eyes and feel nothing.
93
Dear Penny,
Guess what? I am going to get a dog. Jazz has a dog, and now I am going to have one too. I see Jazz walking her dog to the lake sometimes. Her dog is big and brown and skinny. I think I want a smaller dog.
Wanna said that we will go to a place called the pound to get my dog. The animals that live at the pound don’t have any families. Most of them were given up by a family that couldn’t care for them. It is going to be hard to decide. I wonder how many dogs will be there?
I will be responsible for feeding the dog, taking it outside to go to the bathroom, and cleaning up the poop. The poop part will be gross, but I am ok about the other things.
Ellie wants a dog too, but Wanna says that she is not ready for such a big responsibility. Why does Wanna think that I am ready? It doesn’t matter, really—but I wonder.
94
Dear Penny,
Wanna, Ellie, and I went to the pound. I needed to leave you in the car because I didn’t want you to get dirty from all the dogs. You wouldn’t believe how loud it was in there. I thought my ears would explode. Plus, it smelled awful. I didn’t even want a dog because the smell was so terrible. Wanna told me to hold my nose and take a quick look at the dogs and don’t worry about the smell. Well, that was hard to do because I thought I was going to throw up.
I held one hand on my nose and one hand on my belly and we walked into the dog rooms. All of the dogs were in cages, and we needed to look at them through a metal screen. They were barking and jumping and stinky, and I just wanted to get out of there. Then Wanna told me that each cage had a paper that told about each dog—how old they were, what kind of dog they were, when they came to the pound, if they liked kids, if they were sick, if they liked cats, and if they were a girl or boy dog.
After Wanna showed me the papers on the cage doors, I forgot about the smell. I read the paper about each dog and each of their stories. As I read, the dogs jumped up on the cage doors and spun around and were wild. I forgave the dogs for acting so wild and making my ears hurt, because I knew that
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