Assholes Finish First by Tucker Max, Maddox

for disrespect toward my whores. I point out that perhaps Nils is angry because he is too ugly to have even one skank, much less two. Nils gets angry with his ugliness. He misdirects his anger by pushing me very hard.
    7:32: There is broken glass all over me, and I am staring up at the roof. From the outside of the window. It takes me a second to realize what happened, then I understand: Nils has pushed me through the window. The fact that it took me a few seconds even to realize this makes me pause. Perhaps I should not drink my alcohol so fast.
    7:34: Nils is dumbfounded by his strength: “Sorry, I didn’t mean to do that.” The taller of the two girls I’m fucking comes running over to help me. The shorter one stands there, shaking her head in dismay. The taller one is now promoted to FuckBuddy #1.
    7:35: As new FuckBuddy #1 tends to my wounds, Nils writes out all his information so the manager can send him the bill for a new window.
    7:40: I look at what he is writing. His name is not Larry Ellison. I am confused. Nils whispers, “This is my fake ID from college. It still comes in handy.” Nils is a genius.
    7:50: Everyone in the bar thinks our clown pub crawl is the coolest thing ever. They are correct. They buy us rounds of shots and toast us. I steal someone else’s shot and do it along with mine as they toast me (and the other clowns too, I guess).
    8:00: The girl whose shot I stole is mad at me for some reason. She has a lazy eye. It mesmerizes me. I focus all my attention on it. I ask her if sheknows her eyeball is off center. She seems annoyed. I ask her why it’s like that. Her good eye glares at me. I suggest that perhaps it’s trying to escape from her face. She leaves. I giggle at myself.
    8:08: A woman comes over and sighs loudly, fishing for attention. She is ugly. I don’t give a fuck what’s wrong with ugly girls.
    8:10: UglySigher loudly tells me I am not as cool as I think I am. I correct her mistake: “I am awesome. Some people may disagree. Those people are wrong and/or queer.” She is stumped by my impeccable logic.
    8:12: She recovers and starts talking about more things I don’t care about, like “respect” and “decency.” I notice her sweatshirt. “Is that the bullshit they taught you at Texas State? Is that even a real school? Why’d you go there, couldn’t get into the University of Phoenix?” UglySigher angrily lectures me about pointing out the flaws of others. She tells me that people who live in glass houses should not throw stones. I tell her they should also not use the bathroom. She tells me I am missing the point. I tell her she is a pompous cunt. She is aghast. I make a concession, “Maybe we’re both right.”
    8:20: Management asks the clowns to leave. Because of me. Apparently breaking windows is OK, but refusing to put up with sanctimony from an ugly fat bitch is not.
    8:21: As we walk out, I hear someone say, “Those clowns are jerks.” I beam with pride.
    8:32: We get to the next bar. It is a dive bar, full of old people.
    8:35: Old people aren’t impressed by clowns. This angers me. I use the bullhorn to loudly inform them that clowns are the greatest drinkers on earth, way better than crusty, decrepit old people. They refute this claim. I question their sexual preferences. They seem confused. I accuse them ofenjoying farm animals in a nontraditional manner. Their anger suggests my social artillery strike has hit their private shame.
    8:40: I notice one old man hunched over his drink, shaking. Stydie suggests he might be afraid of clowns. Stydie thinks we should leave him alone. “No Stydie, when someone is upset, the best thing to do is to yell at them until they come out of it. Tears mean the sadness is leaving.”
    8:45: I ask the old man if he is afraid of clowns. He nods. “HEY, EVERYONE COME OVER HERE. THIS GUY IS AFRAID OF CLOWNS!!” 50 clowns walk over to greet him.
    8:50: The old man’s knuckles are white around his pint glass. His shaking