Assholes Finish First by Tucker Max, Maddox Page B

name, it is VERY bad.
    2:24: He tells me to clean up my vomit. I don’t see any vomit. I see only hundreds of paper towels on the floor, in a circle around me. The circle is at least twelve feet across.
    2:25: I pick one of them up. It is soaking wet. My vomit is underneath the paper towels. ALL the paper towels have vomit under them. I musthave done this. My emotions conflict: I am simultaneously impressed and mortified.
    2:30: After five minutes of putting paper towels into the trash can, I am no longer impressed or mortified. I am pissed off and disgusted. I consider paying one of the Mexicans to do this for me. This plan is thwarted when I can’t find my wallet.
    2:33: The cops make clown puns as I clean. “So, these two cannibals are eating a clown, and one says to the other, ‘Does this taste funny to you?’ ” and “Hey man, stop clowning around so much.” They think this is the most hilarious thing they’ve ever heard. I want to punch them in the face.
    2:35: I have to use another entire roll of towels to wipe up all the vomit. I consider that I may be personally responsible for massive deforestation. I don’t care anymore. Fuck trees.
    2:40: I have to piss. I look at myself in the bathroom mirror. There is no clown makeup on my face. Not one single speck. This confuses me greatly. I seem to remember putting clown makeup on earlier that day. Where is it?
    2:45: I still have no idea why I am in jail. I ask the desk cop:
    Cop “Let me check… says the charge is Pedestrian in Roadway.”
    Tucker “Pedestrian in Roadway? What the hell does that even mean? Don’t pedestrians have the right-of-way on roads? I can’t be arrested for being in one!”
    Cop “Tell it to the judge, Bozo.”
    3:15: They are satisfied that I am awake, conscious, and relatively sober, so they release me. The property clerk gives me back my bullhorn. It is broken into several pieces. “Yeah, that kind of thing happens sometimes when you’re a shithead to cops.” I angrily tell the property clerk to disposeof the bullhorn in his rectum. He asks me if I want to go back in the jail. I quietly leave.
    3:16: I am standing outside the Travis County Jail. I have no idea where I am. I remember that I puked up everything I’d eaten the past 18 hours. I am starving. I start walking aimlessly.
    3:44: I see lights. A place called Katz’s. The sign says KATZ’S NEVER KLOSES . I am overjoyed.
    3:45: I see myself in the mirror as I walk in. I look like a used condom on the floor of a public restroom. The hostess gasps when she sees me, “We can’t serve you.”
    3:46: I am so famished, dehydrated, exhausted, and hungover I can no longer control my emotions. I sit on the curb and start crying.
    3:47: I stop crying. I start getting mad.
    3:48: I am really pissed off. I decide they are going to close. If I can’t eat, no one can eat.
    3:50: I find a brick in the alley behind the restaurant, smash the lock off the circuit breaker, and pull it down. All the lights go off. You’re closed now, Katz’s. That’ll teach you to refuse to serve drunk, dirty, disgusting clowns that don’t have any money.
    3:51: Petty vengeance makes me feel better. I wander around for a few more minutes, until I realize I don’t know where B-Ski lives. I give up on everything, find a bench, and go to sleep.
    Postscript
    I got home the next day by wandering around asking people where all the assholes lived, until I saw a building I recognized. I eventually talkedto everyone and put the missing pieces of my night together. J.D. Horne filled me in on how I got arrested:
    “You want me to revisit this? Never mind the fact that you decided to kick down the door at one of the first bars completely off its hinges and I had to go back the next day and pay for it. Or, when dancing with an old lady on the street, you spun her around so many times she fell over and you just walked away from her like nothing happened, as she lay on the ground writhing in pain. Or that you