wrote Långa Lappflicken (The Tall Lap Girl)
Almas —Mongolian for “wild man,” a mythical creature similar to Bigfoot
IX
I was in the process of lathering and shaving Grandpas asshole when the phone rang. He swore so the air sizzled and started groping around for the receiver.
—Reichsführer-SS, he answered weakly and lit a Rothman. Well, hello there, lovey! he chirped next and dug bloody furrows into my skull to make me to stop. Thanks, I’m doing fine, and how are you? … Hunkydory, syphilis, and HIV!? … You’re yanking my chain! … What? … Don’t get all huffy now … I know it’s no fucking joke!
Grandpa was laying on his stomach on the beanbag. He listened in suspense for a long moment. All he said was:—Mmm … hrrmm … damn! … but isn’t that just too bad!
Then he started talking.
—You’ve got your work cut out for you. I hear you … Precisely. This business makes me sad as Appomattox! … What the hell’s wrong with people these days! … mmhmm … yeah … mmm … nah … sucking uakari cock’s all he’s good for! … the Jewbeast! … you’re kidding! … bullshit! … just think! … It’s like Pudas’s box! … precisely … No quarter!
He finally shut up, but it cost him. His head nodded and shook incessantly. His nervous tics increased. He began rocking feverishly back and forth, crinkling up his wrinkly brow. When there was finally silence on the other end, he took a deep breath. He didn’t sound as much like a hick when he started talking again.
—What can I say! I’m absolutely dumbfounded! You couldn’t find words to describe it! not if you searched high and low! … Genscher will probably join up … maybe Baker … perhaps Moammar, too … maybe, just maybe Delors … I have my claws in him, you know … yeah … you heard it right here! That only leaves one person! He’s not worth a baht, and that’s no exaggeration! … Getting the truth out of him would be the greatest miracle since Claus Heim massacred 5,000 pigs with two knitting needles and five meat thermometers! It’s sad that it’s to come to this! … that one chromosome can make so much difference … I have some influence over Donner and Schein, they owe me a favor … thunder and lightening will do what they can … Malm is my man … We can count on Nicolin … Markus Wolf and Horst Herold, too … Well get it together! That can’t be allowed to stand! Trust me! You devil … you can thank me with a really sexy Mass, okay? … what? … you’ve misunderstood me! I believe in God! I just think He’s so ashamed that He’s gone and hidden Himself! Our universe is just one among the countless batches of sperm that God in His narcissistic isolation jacked off and spewed out, just so He could put His stain on the Nothingness! Galaxies are sperm, you know! … I know you take a Near Eastern viewpoint on the matter … but we can still be friends, right … hmmm? … well? … that’s it exactly … that’s what we’ll say then … you’ll be hearing from me when I know something … the older you get, the gayer you go … andwhen you’re getting close to death … But you … you, too … take it easy, suck me sleazy … sure, you too … byebye now …
He hung up and gestured for me to continue my barber work. Grandpa’s asshole is huge and grimy and it tastes like sulfur. It’s wrinkled around the edges and unbelievably hairy. It’s ringed in red, so I think it’s infected. I have to shave it every couple of weeks, or it can’t be fucked.
—That was the Pope … he’s afraid the chimney’s about to start smoking … got in over his head with some narcotraffickinggig … Papa Escobar just called him to gloat … The Medellin Cartel are a bunch of fucking crybabies! Milksops! And just like always, I have to make everything right … If only Terre Blanche hadn’t called yesterday! You know what I told him … he wants me to
Almas —Mongolian for “wild man,” a mythical creature similar to Bigfoot
IX
I was in the process of lathering and shaving Grandpas asshole when the phone rang. He swore so the air sizzled and started groping around for the receiver.
—Reichsführer-SS, he answered weakly and lit a Rothman. Well, hello there, lovey! he chirped next and dug bloody furrows into my skull to make me to stop. Thanks, I’m doing fine, and how are you? … Hunkydory, syphilis, and HIV!? … You’re yanking my chain! … What? … Don’t get all huffy now … I know it’s no fucking joke!
Grandpa was laying on his stomach on the beanbag. He listened in suspense for a long moment. All he said was:—Mmm … hrrmm … damn! … but isn’t that just too bad!
Then he started talking.
—You’ve got your work cut out for you. I hear you … Precisely. This business makes me sad as Appomattox! … What the hell’s wrong with people these days! … mmhmm … yeah … mmm … nah … sucking uakari cock’s all he’s good for! … the Jewbeast! … you’re kidding! … bullshit! … just think! … It’s like Pudas’s box! … precisely … No quarter!
He finally shut up, but it cost him. His head nodded and shook incessantly. His nervous tics increased. He began rocking feverishly back and forth, crinkling up his wrinkly brow. When there was finally silence on the other end, he took a deep breath. He didn’t sound as much like a hick when he started talking again.
—What can I say! I’m absolutely dumbfounded! You couldn’t find words to describe it! not if you searched high and low! … Genscher will probably join up … maybe Baker … perhaps Moammar, too … maybe, just maybe Delors … I have my claws in him, you know … yeah … you heard it right here! That only leaves one person! He’s not worth a baht, and that’s no exaggeration! … Getting the truth out of him would be the greatest miracle since Claus Heim massacred 5,000 pigs with two knitting needles and five meat thermometers! It’s sad that it’s to come to this! … that one chromosome can make so much difference … I have some influence over Donner and Schein, they owe me a favor … thunder and lightening will do what they can … Malm is my man … We can count on Nicolin … Markus Wolf and Horst Herold, too … Well get it together! That can’t be allowed to stand! Trust me! You devil … you can thank me with a really sexy Mass, okay? … what? … you’ve misunderstood me! I believe in God! I just think He’s so ashamed that He’s gone and hidden Himself! Our universe is just one among the countless batches of sperm that God in His narcissistic isolation jacked off and spewed out, just so He could put His stain on the Nothingness! Galaxies are sperm, you know! … I know you take a Near Eastern viewpoint on the matter … but we can still be friends, right … hmmm? … well? … that’s it exactly … that’s what we’ll say then … you’ll be hearing from me when I know something … the older you get, the gayer you go … andwhen you’re getting close to death … But you … you, too … take it easy, suck me sleazy … sure, you too … byebye now …
He hung up and gestured for me to continue my barber work. Grandpa’s asshole is huge and grimy and it tastes like sulfur. It’s wrinkled around the edges and unbelievably hairy. It’s ringed in red, so I think it’s infected. I have to shave it every couple of weeks, or it can’t be fucked.
—That was the Pope … he’s afraid the chimney’s about to start smoking … got in over his head with some narcotraffickinggig … Papa Escobar just called him to gloat … The Medellin Cartel are a bunch of fucking crybabies! Milksops! And just like always, I have to make everything right … If only Terre Blanche hadn’t called yesterday! You know what I told him … he wants me to
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