back with an octagonal nickeltray piled high with coffee-beans, an eggcup with a lightbulb, roadsalt, castoroil, TetraMin, some slices of ryebread smeared with Oil of Ulay, a few Arlandapastries, and some silverfish. He sat down and immediately found the right tone. He was never long in venting his displeasure.
—Nancy and Raisa! Cunt versus cunt!
Grandpa rumbled on like Bruckner, his tailpipe hissing.
—An uphill struggle against a headwind for ninety years! Bridges and boats all burned! And yet the whole goddamn thing ends here! This here is nothing! It’s ghostshit! Satan’s ass, the things you’re forced to do! It’s like swapping feet with a loon! Like a mosquito pissing in the ocean! Like climbing a pinetree to fuck a knothole! Like fucking a juicy boytuft!
Varicose veins were swelling, arthritic joints were aching. Grandpa’s legs are chalky, white and spindly, worse than Åsa Lundgrens, the guy who wrote The Microcephalic Lappish Boy. There was a good chance the fun was about to end.
—PSV is keeping their team together, the announcer said … Chiquita hasn’t gotten much done … well see if they can’t step up the pace … coming back around the side …
—Laudrup is on his side of the field … against Roberto … Beguiristain … Salinas coming to his aid … Cochones back to Zubi-zarreta … who hammers the ball … signals … kicks … the Dutch defense has gotten organized … van Aerie back to van Breukelen … They’re playing like they’ve got Alzheimer’s, don’t you think?
—They like to feint, especially at the start …
—Yeah, but it’s been about a hundred and thirty minutes!
—They like to gather in a group and keep a close watch on their own goal … the match becomes something like strategic warfare … the most important thing is that your team has the ball … you’ll get your chance …
—Its dullsville! It’s too goddamned slow! At least we had that brutal tackle from behind … we’ll get to see it in slowmo … hooboy! He knew what he was doing … could it be, will it be a meniscus tear?
—It looks like it’s Laudrup …
—Hope his tendons toast!
By this time, the commentators were just about foaming at the mouth.
—He’s out for at least three months!
—Could be a pulled ligament!
—For the love of God, it looks serious … he’s being carried off the field … looks like he’s in pain …
—Here comes the freekick … the perfect setup for Koeman …
—The defense is playing for time … they’ve gained a meter and a half …
The referee waved a yellowcard. The freekick struck the defense’s wall. End of the first half. Grandpa began to boil over, they were all talk and no action. The universe, on the other hand, runs on adrenaline and testosterone.
—Talk about people who have it bad! A single Grandpa with a scamp hanging from my neck and another on the way! Broke and sick and with a mass of freetime on my hands! It’s all downhill from here! It’s too much! Comeoncomeoncomeon! It’s so fucking painful! God, it hurts! Aoouuuuuu!!!
He banged his head on the edge of the table again and again as hard as he could. While he did that, he rubbed his cock, which refused to stand up.
—Moremoremore! Ah—ahhh—oahhhhhhhh! Fuck it hurts! I’m dying! Don’t stop! So fucking good! Harder faster oaahhhhh!
He fell dizzily to the rug. I didn’t give a fuck about the next overtime quarter. I dragged my Grandpa onto the sofa and wiped away the blood. Then I puked up my chips, collapsed onto the Almas fur rug, and dreamed sweet dreams about my murderer.
__________
Plupp, Klas Klättermus —Swedish children’s book characters
Der Sturmer —a weekly Nazi newspaper
Das Schwarze Korps —official newspaper of the SS
Svebil —Olov Svebilius, Archbishop of Uppsala from 1681–1700, who wrote the popular book A Simple Explanation of Martin Luthers Little Catechism
Åsa Lundgren —Swedish author who
—Nancy and Raisa! Cunt versus cunt!
Grandpa rumbled on like Bruckner, his tailpipe hissing.
—An uphill struggle against a headwind for ninety years! Bridges and boats all burned! And yet the whole goddamn thing ends here! This here is nothing! It’s ghostshit! Satan’s ass, the things you’re forced to do! It’s like swapping feet with a loon! Like a mosquito pissing in the ocean! Like climbing a pinetree to fuck a knothole! Like fucking a juicy boytuft!
Varicose veins were swelling, arthritic joints were aching. Grandpa’s legs are chalky, white and spindly, worse than Åsa Lundgrens, the guy who wrote The Microcephalic Lappish Boy. There was a good chance the fun was about to end.
—PSV is keeping their team together, the announcer said … Chiquita hasn’t gotten much done … well see if they can’t step up the pace … coming back around the side …
—Laudrup is on his side of the field … against Roberto … Beguiristain … Salinas coming to his aid … Cochones back to Zubi-zarreta … who hammers the ball … signals … kicks … the Dutch defense has gotten organized … van Aerie back to van Breukelen … They’re playing like they’ve got Alzheimer’s, don’t you think?
—They like to feint, especially at the start …
—Yeah, but it’s been about a hundred and thirty minutes!
—They like to gather in a group and keep a close watch on their own goal … the match becomes something like strategic warfare … the most important thing is that your team has the ball … you’ll get your chance …
—Its dullsville! It’s too goddamned slow! At least we had that brutal tackle from behind … we’ll get to see it in slowmo … hooboy! He knew what he was doing … could it be, will it be a meniscus tear?
—It looks like it’s Laudrup …
—Hope his tendons toast!
By this time, the commentators were just about foaming at the mouth.
—He’s out for at least three months!
—Could be a pulled ligament!
—For the love of God, it looks serious … he’s being carried off the field … looks like he’s in pain …
—Here comes the freekick … the perfect setup for Koeman …
—The defense is playing for time … they’ve gained a meter and a half …
The referee waved a yellowcard. The freekick struck the defense’s wall. End of the first half. Grandpa began to boil over, they were all talk and no action. The universe, on the other hand, runs on adrenaline and testosterone.
—Talk about people who have it bad! A single Grandpa with a scamp hanging from my neck and another on the way! Broke and sick and with a mass of freetime on my hands! It’s all downhill from here! It’s too much! Comeoncomeoncomeon! It’s so fucking painful! God, it hurts! Aoouuuuuu!!!
He banged his head on the edge of the table again and again as hard as he could. While he did that, he rubbed his cock, which refused to stand up.
—Moremoremore! Ah—ahhh—oahhhhhhhh! Fuck it hurts! I’m dying! Don’t stop! So fucking good! Harder faster oaahhhhh!
He fell dizzily to the rug. I didn’t give a fuck about the next overtime quarter. I dragged my Grandpa onto the sofa and wiped away the blood. Then I puked up my chips, collapsed onto the Almas fur rug, and dreamed sweet dreams about my murderer.
__________
Plupp, Klas Klättermus —Swedish children’s book characters
Der Sturmer —a weekly Nazi newspaper
Das Schwarze Korps —official newspaper of the SS
Svebil —Olov Svebilius, Archbishop of Uppsala from 1681–1700, who wrote the popular book A Simple Explanation of Martin Luthers Little Catechism
Åsa Lundgren —Swedish author who
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