any reason, but I guess they knocked a lot of tender-hearted humanitarianism out of me in that p-place. No, it was not the shooting, Mr. Helm.”
“Then what?”
“Are you really so insensitive? Can’t you really understand how I feel about the way you… used me to bait your trap?”
I regarded her with some surprise. “You’re a bright lady. I didn’t think I had to spell it out for you. I told you you were in danger. I told you we wanted your cooperation. What else could you do for us but act as bait?”
“You lied to me. You said we weren’t being followed.”
I nodded. “Yes. And that was the only lie I told you. I didn’t think you were a good enough actress to keep from looking over your shoulder and tipping him off to the fact that we knew he was there. As it turns out, I probably underestimated you. Sorry about that. But I don’t feel I deceived you in any other way, Mrs. Ellershaw. And you might consider the fact that if it hadn’t been for us you’d probably, right now, be lying in a morgue somewhere full of buckshot—wherever he got a crack at you along the route of the bus you would have taken.”
She said coldly, “Yes. I should be grateful, shouldn’t I? But my life doesn’t really mean that much to me any longer, Mr. Helm. Maybe… maybe I’m even a little sorry that you interfered. It would have been one solution, and I wouldn’t have to look at that slob-woman in the mirror any longer and wonder what kind of a slob-life…” She shook her head irritably. “Sorry, please ignore the self-pity. But you really are pretty obtuse, aren’t you? You don’t understand at all. It wasn’t the fact that you used me, it was
how
you used me.”
I looked at her for a moment, frowning. “All right, I’m stupid. You’re going to have to explain it to me.”
She sipped her drink, and looked into her glass, avoiding my gaze. “Can’t you see how… how foolish you made me feel, how naive and trusting? I thought… I thought after eight years in Ames I was pretty tough. I thought I knew how to keep my guard up and my mouth shut. And then, after all those years of being a nothing, an animal in a cage, I’m free again and I meet a kindly gentleman who helps me with my coat and carries my bag and holds the car door for me, treating the unattractive female ex-convict in her bargain-basement suit as if she were a lovely lady in mink. Slowing down the car so considerately at her stupid whim. And those damn pink doughnuts… And all my defenses crumbling before the first courtesy, the first kindness I’ve met in so many years! You must feel very proud of yourself. It was really a beautiful con job, even if the subject was fairly vulnerable. You are one slick operator, Matthew Helm!”
I tried to protest: “It wasn’t like that—”
“It was exactly like that!” she said harshly. “The way you got it all pouring out of me, all the things I’d kept to myself all these years, all the misery and shame of the arrest and trial, and the ghastly journey to the prison that, with the reception I got there, completed my total degradation… My God, I was even telling you how innocent I was, how cruelly I’d been framed. Jesus! There are two hundred and seventy-seven inmates in Ames—well, two hundred and seventy-six now—and every damn one of them is innocent, every damn one of them was framed, and it’s a crying shame. I learned very early in there not to bore anybody with my lousy innocence; there wasn’t a guilty woman in the joint, to hear them talk. But you had me babbling tearfully about how I’d been the victim of a sinister conspiracy to destroy God, how did you keep from laughing in my face? But you listened so sympathetically, you were so kind and understanding. No wonder they picked you to deal with the poor beaten dame who’d served her time; you are very, very good. You had me”—she swallowed hard—“you had me feeling… almost like a real person again, after all the years
“Then what?”
“Are you really so insensitive? Can’t you really understand how I feel about the way you… used me to bait your trap?”
I regarded her with some surprise. “You’re a bright lady. I didn’t think I had to spell it out for you. I told you you were in danger. I told you we wanted your cooperation. What else could you do for us but act as bait?”
“You lied to me. You said we weren’t being followed.”
I nodded. “Yes. And that was the only lie I told you. I didn’t think you were a good enough actress to keep from looking over your shoulder and tipping him off to the fact that we knew he was there. As it turns out, I probably underestimated you. Sorry about that. But I don’t feel I deceived you in any other way, Mrs. Ellershaw. And you might consider the fact that if it hadn’t been for us you’d probably, right now, be lying in a morgue somewhere full of buckshot—wherever he got a crack at you along the route of the bus you would have taken.”
She said coldly, “Yes. I should be grateful, shouldn’t I? But my life doesn’t really mean that much to me any longer, Mr. Helm. Maybe… maybe I’m even a little sorry that you interfered. It would have been one solution, and I wouldn’t have to look at that slob-woman in the mirror any longer and wonder what kind of a slob-life…” She shook her head irritably. “Sorry, please ignore the self-pity. But you really are pretty obtuse, aren’t you? You don’t understand at all. It wasn’t the fact that you used me, it was
how
you used me.”
I looked at her for a moment, frowning. “All right, I’m stupid. You’re going to have to explain it to me.”
She sipped her drink, and looked into her glass, avoiding my gaze. “Can’t you see how… how foolish you made me feel, how naive and trusting? I thought… I thought after eight years in Ames I was pretty tough. I thought I knew how to keep my guard up and my mouth shut. And then, after all those years of being a nothing, an animal in a cage, I’m free again and I meet a kindly gentleman who helps me with my coat and carries my bag and holds the car door for me, treating the unattractive female ex-convict in her bargain-basement suit as if she were a lovely lady in mink. Slowing down the car so considerately at her stupid whim. And those damn pink doughnuts… And all my defenses crumbling before the first courtesy, the first kindness I’ve met in so many years! You must feel very proud of yourself. It was really a beautiful con job, even if the subject was fairly vulnerable. You are one slick operator, Matthew Helm!”
I tried to protest: “It wasn’t like that—”
“It was exactly like that!” she said harshly. “The way you got it all pouring out of me, all the things I’d kept to myself all these years, all the misery and shame of the arrest and trial, and the ghastly journey to the prison that, with the reception I got there, completed my total degradation… My God, I was even telling you how innocent I was, how cruelly I’d been framed. Jesus! There are two hundred and seventy-seven inmates in Ames—well, two hundred and seventy-six now—and every damn one of them is innocent, every damn one of them was framed, and it’s a crying shame. I learned very early in there not to bore anybody with my lousy innocence; there wasn’t a guilty woman in the joint, to hear them talk. But you had me babbling tearfully about how I’d been the victim of a sinister conspiracy to destroy God, how did you keep from laughing in my face? But you listened so sympathetically, you were so kind and understanding. No wonder they picked you to deal with the poor beaten dame who’d served her time; you are very, very good. You had me”—she swallowed hard—“you had me feeling… almost like a real person again, after all the years
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