like it here and i feel disconnected from everyone and...'
it's really embarrassing, i think
sometimes after i park my car i sit and listen to myself cry and feel like a richard yates character
lately i kind of feel like a richard yates character all of the time
like when i eat xanax and fall asleep on the couch and wake with my mouth open
or at work when i half-jokingly over-share thoughts about loneliness
then laugh to show everyone 'it's okay, really, look how well-adjusted i can be, i can still laugh'
while thinking 'i am a fucking richard yates character, when i am older this will not be 'cute''
10.26.09
what xanax makes me feel like
sort of like the few minutes before falling asleep, but if i was fully conscious during those minutes
everything is neutral and on the same level
i don't feel nervous about anything
sort of like being in a bathtub, my brain gets put in a bathtub
everything seems equal, i don't know, i keep having that thought
when i try to think about things that have made me feel bad in the past i just think 'those things are okay now'
it feels sort of like being slowly fucked in oppressive heat
where the goal of sex is to distract each other with your genitals, not necessarily have orgasms
you just look at each other and forget what you're doing but you keep doing it
it feels like watching cooking shows all day on a saturday and having that be your entire life's purpose
sort of
there are better ways to describe it
i wouldn't want to attempt to read 'swann's way' while feeling like this
one time i went to whole foods and bought two different kinds of lettuce while on xanax
i bought something else too
11.02.09
elevated self-esteem as a result of alcohol consumption
i want to go to the gym
and pretend the weight machines are drums
and play the longest drum solo on them
everyone will stop working out
to look at me
gradually, a crowd will gather
people will nod their heads
and whisper to each other
'what is she doing?'
'i don't know, but i like it'
11.12.09
yesterday i laid in bed watching TV on the internet while mentally debating the pros and cons of taking a xanax and staring at my ceiling instead of my computer. i continued to stare at my computer, xanax-free
then i got a text message saying 'do you want to get coffee now or a beer at 10:30'
i responded to the text and watched a shitty movie and 'it's always sunny in philadelphia' until i started feeling embarrassed for existing
then i talked to my best friend for a long time. she lives in st. paul, minnesota. she is a school bus driver
then my other friend called me to say she was having a threesome this weekend. i tried not to picture her having a threesome but i definitely pictured her having a threesome
then i felt scared about not having enough time to make myself look attractive for the person i was getting a beer with at 10:30
we said we'd meet at this bar near my apartment that feels like it belongs in a david lynch movie. it's well-lit and sort of in a basement. the same 'grandma or older aunt who enjoys craft shows but also drinks beer and wears football jerseys and yells at the television in the privacy of her living room' bartender is always there
last night i didn't immediately see the person i was meeting so i went outside to look for him. then i got a text message saying 'i saw you but you didn't see me' and went inside again. someone had played really hard, fast, loud, death metal-like music on the jukebox. eight people were there but it seemed like less. it was weird. i couldn't breathe through my nose very well
i sat across from the person i was meeting and asked if the jacket on the table behind us was his. he said it was. he said the bartender told him to sit here because this table is where couples go to have awkward conversations
i believed him because the last time we were here we sat near that table and eavesdropped on another couple's awkward conversation. i felt interested in
it's really embarrassing, i think
sometimes after i park my car i sit and listen to myself cry and feel like a richard yates character
lately i kind of feel like a richard yates character all of the time
like when i eat xanax and fall asleep on the couch and wake with my mouth open
or at work when i half-jokingly over-share thoughts about loneliness
then laugh to show everyone 'it's okay, really, look how well-adjusted i can be, i can still laugh'
while thinking 'i am a fucking richard yates character, when i am older this will not be 'cute''
10.26.09
what xanax makes me feel like
sort of like the few minutes before falling asleep, but if i was fully conscious during those minutes
everything is neutral and on the same level
i don't feel nervous about anything
sort of like being in a bathtub, my brain gets put in a bathtub
everything seems equal, i don't know, i keep having that thought
when i try to think about things that have made me feel bad in the past i just think 'those things are okay now'
it feels sort of like being slowly fucked in oppressive heat
where the goal of sex is to distract each other with your genitals, not necessarily have orgasms
you just look at each other and forget what you're doing but you keep doing it
it feels like watching cooking shows all day on a saturday and having that be your entire life's purpose
sort of
there are better ways to describe it
i wouldn't want to attempt to read 'swann's way' while feeling like this
one time i went to whole foods and bought two different kinds of lettuce while on xanax
i bought something else too
11.02.09
elevated self-esteem as a result of alcohol consumption
i want to go to the gym
and pretend the weight machines are drums
and play the longest drum solo on them
everyone will stop working out
to look at me
gradually, a crowd will gather
people will nod their heads
and whisper to each other
'what is she doing?'
'i don't know, but i like it'
11.12.09
yesterday i laid in bed watching TV on the internet while mentally debating the pros and cons of taking a xanax and staring at my ceiling instead of my computer. i continued to stare at my computer, xanax-free
then i got a text message saying 'do you want to get coffee now or a beer at 10:30'
i responded to the text and watched a shitty movie and 'it's always sunny in philadelphia' until i started feeling embarrassed for existing
then i talked to my best friend for a long time. she lives in st. paul, minnesota. she is a school bus driver
then my other friend called me to say she was having a threesome this weekend. i tried not to picture her having a threesome but i definitely pictured her having a threesome
then i felt scared about not having enough time to make myself look attractive for the person i was getting a beer with at 10:30
we said we'd meet at this bar near my apartment that feels like it belongs in a david lynch movie. it's well-lit and sort of in a basement. the same 'grandma or older aunt who enjoys craft shows but also drinks beer and wears football jerseys and yells at the television in the privacy of her living room' bartender is always there
last night i didn't immediately see the person i was meeting so i went outside to look for him. then i got a text message saying 'i saw you but you didn't see me' and went inside again. someone had played really hard, fast, loud, death metal-like music on the jukebox. eight people were there but it seemed like less. it was weird. i couldn't breathe through my nose very well
i sat across from the person i was meeting and asked if the jacket on the table behind us was his. he said it was. he said the bartender told him to sit here because this table is where couples go to have awkward conversations
i believed him because the last time we were here we sat near that table and eavesdropped on another couple's awkward conversation. i felt interested in
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