quietly and maybe try to be alone by reading or going outside to smoke or something. i periodically make sarcastic comments, usually aimed at making someone feel bad, but not too bad. after commenting i will immediately regret what i said, even if someone laughs. usually my mom laughs, even if i made fun of her. she makes fun of me. after she makes fun of me i will say something like 'asshole' or 'faggot' and she will laugh more. then i will laugh. this is fun
the dynamic basically consists of externalizing resentment about our collective compulsion to worry by making each other feel a little bad sometimes. this has resulted in me frequently saying 'i don't give a fuck' in a hopeless voice, then hearing myself say that and feeling like a melodramatic teenager in a way that is impossible to change because it would involve destroying the phrase 'i don't give a fuck' or possibly myself or my family or becoming a completely different person
sometimes there are moments when everything is good and people are just talking and listening to each other. last christmas we sat in my mom's living room, probably drank a bottle of wine each, then watched 'revolutionary road' and cried audibly and hugged each other. it was good
12.23.09
i went to california for a week to visit dana. we mostly just sat around watching movies. sometimes we walked on the beach. sometimes we drove to the grocery store. i feel like we did other things. she cooked healthy food. there was a scary bug near her car that took two days to die
the first night we bought maybe ten movies from a blockbuster that was going out of business. the cashier guy tried to put my movies in a bag and said 'i can't fit them in the bag.' i said 'ohhhhhhhhhh' in a way that made dana laugh really hard. when we walked to her car both of us were laughing really hard
that night she made cabbage salad and we watched most of 'revolutionary road.' sometimes dana would make a comment and i would say one or two words in response. i fell asleep in my chair. in the morning we finished the movie and smoked a cigarette outside. it was raining. dana said she was in 'gastric distress' from the cabbage last night and i agreed. the phrase 'gastric distress' is really funny to me, i've never heard anyone say it but dana
we went to an outdoor mall that had a ferris wheel in its center. palm trees and christmas trees in large cement pots surrounded the ferris wheel. near the ferris wheel was an ice skating rink. dana said 'what if that was your life, you're like 17 and you're one of those five people ice skating at the mall.' there was a girl wearing a helmet and elbow pads or something. i said 'that might be really bad or totally fine, depending on your disposition.' on the drive home dana said 'i didn't know how we were going to have a day after watching 'revolutionary road,' it was so intense'
a few nights later we were in los angeles with her friend jakob. he drove us places and talked about a relationship he just terminated. we went to a beer garden and drank two liters of beer each. we had a really good conversation about what 'failure' means. everyone seemed to like my definition of 'failure,' which was something like 'if someday i realized the goals of my life had become obscured by my methods of attaining them and i didn't know what i wanted anymore'
jakob works at a record store. one time he rung up bret easton ellis for a killers CD. bret easton ellis gave him an american express card. jakob said 'we don't take american express, sorry.' bret easton ellis said 'fuck.' while he looked for a different credit card jakob told him he was the reason he came to los angeles to be a writer. bret easton ellis said something like 'thanks, i'm glad you said that, maybe you'll ring me up again or something.' i imagined bret easton ellis feeling genuinely flattered but uncomfortable and mostly looking forward to listening to his killers CD or maybe something else entirely
we went to a christmas party
the dynamic basically consists of externalizing resentment about our collective compulsion to worry by making each other feel a little bad sometimes. this has resulted in me frequently saying 'i don't give a fuck' in a hopeless voice, then hearing myself say that and feeling like a melodramatic teenager in a way that is impossible to change because it would involve destroying the phrase 'i don't give a fuck' or possibly myself or my family or becoming a completely different person
sometimes there are moments when everything is good and people are just talking and listening to each other. last christmas we sat in my mom's living room, probably drank a bottle of wine each, then watched 'revolutionary road' and cried audibly and hugged each other. it was good
12.23.09
i went to california for a week to visit dana. we mostly just sat around watching movies. sometimes we walked on the beach. sometimes we drove to the grocery store. i feel like we did other things. she cooked healthy food. there was a scary bug near her car that took two days to die
the first night we bought maybe ten movies from a blockbuster that was going out of business. the cashier guy tried to put my movies in a bag and said 'i can't fit them in the bag.' i said 'ohhhhhhhhhh' in a way that made dana laugh really hard. when we walked to her car both of us were laughing really hard
that night she made cabbage salad and we watched most of 'revolutionary road.' sometimes dana would make a comment and i would say one or two words in response. i fell asleep in my chair. in the morning we finished the movie and smoked a cigarette outside. it was raining. dana said she was in 'gastric distress' from the cabbage last night and i agreed. the phrase 'gastric distress' is really funny to me, i've never heard anyone say it but dana
we went to an outdoor mall that had a ferris wheel in its center. palm trees and christmas trees in large cement pots surrounded the ferris wheel. near the ferris wheel was an ice skating rink. dana said 'what if that was your life, you're like 17 and you're one of those five people ice skating at the mall.' there was a girl wearing a helmet and elbow pads or something. i said 'that might be really bad or totally fine, depending on your disposition.' on the drive home dana said 'i didn't know how we were going to have a day after watching 'revolutionary road,' it was so intense'
a few nights later we were in los angeles with her friend jakob. he drove us places and talked about a relationship he just terminated. we went to a beer garden and drank two liters of beer each. we had a really good conversation about what 'failure' means. everyone seemed to like my definition of 'failure,' which was something like 'if someday i realized the goals of my life had become obscured by my methods of attaining them and i didn't know what i wanted anymore'
jakob works at a record store. one time he rung up bret easton ellis for a killers CD. bret easton ellis gave him an american express card. jakob said 'we don't take american express, sorry.' bret easton ellis said 'fuck.' while he looked for a different credit card jakob told him he was the reason he came to los angeles to be a writer. bret easton ellis said something like 'thanks, i'm glad you said that, maybe you'll ring me up again or something.' i imagined bret easton ellis feeling genuinely flattered but uncomfortable and mostly looking forward to listening to his killers CD or maybe something else entirely
we went to a christmas party
Similar Books
