because when I let go, I might not be able to stop. I’m afraid what might come out when I speak, but he is looking at me with those watery eyes. Dammit, how can I deny him?
I tilt my head back, opening my arms and scream, “I AM IN LOVE WITH A BOY I CANNOT HAVE! I NEED HIM SO BAD THAT IT IS KILLING ME INSIDE. MY MOTHER LEFT ME. SHE NEVER LOVED ME!” Bending at the waist, I scream again and again until I am purged from the poison inside of me. I am clean for now. I want to collapse into the dirt and let the black night swallow me whole, becoming one of the glistening freckles in the night sky. I gave over my truth to the night.
“See, that was not so bad.” He drapes his arm over me. Third is too drunk to understand the wound my confession left. That I released my truth out in the universe for anyone to find and hurt me with. If he only knew what I had just done.
###
I push against Third’s backside with both hands planted firmly on each one of his cheeks. He hangs half way out of his bedroom window. It seem like a good idea at the time, yet sneaking him in through the painfully too small window is not as easy as the whiskey led me to believe. His feet flay dangerously close to my face. I duck out of the way and give one more shove before he slips through with a loud thunk to the floor below. I can hear his fit of giggles on the other side. At this rate, it would have been easier to go knocking on the front door and announce that we are plastered.
“Hey, help me up!” I call to him. His face appears at the window sill. His eyes are squinty and he is still laughing.
“Will you stop laughing and help me up?”
He sticks his arms out the window lazily. I grab a hold of his hands, placing both my feet firmly on the wall and walk up it like I am Spiderman. See what hanging out with this boy is doing to me? I actually know who Spiderman is. If I start to quote, The Avengers … so help me. I manage to get my hips on the window ledge before Third flops to the floor. I shimmy the rest of the way in, falling on top of him. When I roll over so I am lying on the floor next to him, we both begin uncontrollably laughing.
I try to quiet us by placing a hand over his mouth. “Shhhh. Ewww! You just licked me!” I yank my hand back.
“I wanted to see if you tasted like cotton candy. You smell like it, but you don’t. You taste kind of salty, like popcorn.” He scrunches his nose. “Do you think Roxie tastes like frosting? She smells like frosting, like a delicious cupcake.”
I roll over, get to my knees and look down at him. He is still squinty eyed. “Here is a tip, lover boy. Don’t go randomly licking girls. We don’t like it.”
I leave Third sprawled on his bedroom floor and sneak into the kitchen, carefully avoiding the squeaky spots on the floor. I get a glass out of the cupboard and fill it with water. I toss back the glass, down the whole thing and fill it again. My head still feels fuzzy, but the water helps me feel a little clearer. I don’t want to have to climb up that tree drunk. I would probably break my neck. I take the glass of water and a few aspirin that I find in a drawer back to Third. He has managed to, thankfully, get himself into bed. He is sprawled out face down in his whitey-tighties and I can hear a small, muffled snore escaping from under the pillow. I leave the water and pills on his nightstand; he is going to need them in the morning.
I dig his phone out from his discarded jeans. It blinks at me with three missed calls from Dylan. My pulse picks up with the thought of him. He was checking on me. No. That’s not right. Third was his friend long before I came into the picture. I put the cell phone next to his face on the pillow. Pushing his damp hair off his forehead, I kiss Third and slip back out the window. Call it muscle memory or my sadistic side calling to me, but my feet take the worn and familiar path and, before I realize it, they have carried me to an all too familiar
I tilt my head back, opening my arms and scream, “I AM IN LOVE WITH A BOY I CANNOT HAVE! I NEED HIM SO BAD THAT IT IS KILLING ME INSIDE. MY MOTHER LEFT ME. SHE NEVER LOVED ME!” Bending at the waist, I scream again and again until I am purged from the poison inside of me. I am clean for now. I want to collapse into the dirt and let the black night swallow me whole, becoming one of the glistening freckles in the night sky. I gave over my truth to the night.
“See, that was not so bad.” He drapes his arm over me. Third is too drunk to understand the wound my confession left. That I released my truth out in the universe for anyone to find and hurt me with. If he only knew what I had just done.
###
I push against Third’s backside with both hands planted firmly on each one of his cheeks. He hangs half way out of his bedroom window. It seem like a good idea at the time, yet sneaking him in through the painfully too small window is not as easy as the whiskey led me to believe. His feet flay dangerously close to my face. I duck out of the way and give one more shove before he slips through with a loud thunk to the floor below. I can hear his fit of giggles on the other side. At this rate, it would have been easier to go knocking on the front door and announce that we are plastered.
“Hey, help me up!” I call to him. His face appears at the window sill. His eyes are squinty and he is still laughing.
“Will you stop laughing and help me up?”
He sticks his arms out the window lazily. I grab a hold of his hands, placing both my feet firmly on the wall and walk up it like I am Spiderman. See what hanging out with this boy is doing to me? I actually know who Spiderman is. If I start to quote, The Avengers … so help me. I manage to get my hips on the window ledge before Third flops to the floor. I shimmy the rest of the way in, falling on top of him. When I roll over so I am lying on the floor next to him, we both begin uncontrollably laughing.
I try to quiet us by placing a hand over his mouth. “Shhhh. Ewww! You just licked me!” I yank my hand back.
“I wanted to see if you tasted like cotton candy. You smell like it, but you don’t. You taste kind of salty, like popcorn.” He scrunches his nose. “Do you think Roxie tastes like frosting? She smells like frosting, like a delicious cupcake.”
I roll over, get to my knees and look down at him. He is still squinty eyed. “Here is a tip, lover boy. Don’t go randomly licking girls. We don’t like it.”
I leave Third sprawled on his bedroom floor and sneak into the kitchen, carefully avoiding the squeaky spots on the floor. I get a glass out of the cupboard and fill it with water. I toss back the glass, down the whole thing and fill it again. My head still feels fuzzy, but the water helps me feel a little clearer. I don’t want to have to climb up that tree drunk. I would probably break my neck. I take the glass of water and a few aspirin that I find in a drawer back to Third. He has managed to, thankfully, get himself into bed. He is sprawled out face down in his whitey-tighties and I can hear a small, muffled snore escaping from under the pillow. I leave the water and pills on his nightstand; he is going to need them in the morning.
I dig his phone out from his discarded jeans. It blinks at me with three missed calls from Dylan. My pulse picks up with the thought of him. He was checking on me. No. That’s not right. Third was his friend long before I came into the picture. I put the cell phone next to his face on the pillow. Pushing his damp hair off his forehead, I kiss Third and slip back out the window. Call it muscle memory or my sadistic side calling to me, but my feet take the worn and familiar path and, before I realize it, they have carried me to an all too familiar
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