Beating Around the Bush by Art Buchwald Page A

cost us to go into Iraq and find a smoking gun?
    A: Probably $200 billion.
    Q: So, if we don’t go into North Korea we will save $200 billion?
    A: That’s correct. That way the president can afford to give us another tax cut.
    Q: How do our allies feel about this?
    A: Most of them are for us, but don’t want American troops on their soil if we go to war.
    Q: Is it true when the president says that oil is not part of the equation in our foreign policy?
    A: Of course it is. When you’re acting diplomatically, you can’t let petroleum get in the way of liberating a dictatorship.
    Q: Is North Korea a dictatorship?
    A: Probably, but we can’t do anything about it because it’s too close to China, and we don’t want the Chinese to get mad at us, because they are our best trading partners.
    Q: A lot of countries have smoking guns now—Pakistan, India, China, North Korea, Israel, France and Great Britain, to name a few. How many countries are we going to attack after we wipe out Iraq?
    A: We’re not necessarily going to attack them. In a lot of cases, we’ll just bomb their smoking gun factories.
    Q: Can we send UN inspectors into the countries that are suspect?
    A: You can’t send them into France and Great Britain because you would be violating their sovereignty.
    Q: How long will it take to eliminate Saddam from power?
    A: Anywhere from two weeks to two years.
    Q: And how long will it take for a democratic regime to take his place?

    A: Anywhere from two weeks to two years.
    Q: Am I going crazy?
    A: It’s very possible.

The Last Pill
    THOMAS GREENTREE was taking antidepressant pills. Each one cost $10.
    When I saw him, he was very depressed.
    He said, “I have no more money for pills. I used up my health insurance, and I can no longer borrow from my relatives.”
    “That’s tough. What are you holding in your hand?”
    “It’s my last pill. After I take it, it’s all over for me. I’ve been staring at it for hours. I’m depressed if I take it, and I’m depressed if I don’t.”
    “That’s tough.”
    “Maybe I shouldn’t have taken them in the first place, because now I’ve gotten used to them.”
    “Couldn’t you take a placebo and pretend it’s an antidepressant?”
    “It doesn’t work for me because I know it’s a placebo. Anyhow, my health plan won’t pay for placebos. Would you like to see the pill?”
    “Of course. This is a collector’s item.”
    He handed the tablet to me. “Be careful,” he warned, “I don’t want anything to happen to it.”
    I examined it in the light. “It’s beautiful. I saw one just like it
on television. The announcer said: ‘It isn’t for everybody. See your doctor first.’”
    Greentree said, “So I went to my doctor and he told me it’s only for people who can afford it. When I went yesterday and told him I had only one pill left, he said, ‘Then work yourself out of the depression like a man.’”
    “That’s some doctor.”
    “I am wrestling with the decision to take it or save it until my depression gets worse.”
    “How serious is it now?”
    “I don’t want to commit suicide.”
    “That’s good. If you ever do, you can take the pill first. I’d give you some of mine, but they have different side effects. For example, they cheer me up, but every time I take one I feel like shoplifting.”
    He said, “At least you have something you can count on.”
    I said, “Why don’t you give the last pill to the Smithsonian Institution? You would still be depressed, but you would get a tax deduction.”
    “I don’t have a job. That’s one reason I’m so depressed.”
    “Have you ever thought of pulling yourself up by your bootstraps?”
    He replied, “Everyone tells me to do that so I won’t ask them for money.”
    I said, “People who aren’t depressed always say that. It’s too bad you don’t have any money. If you did, you could go to Canada and buy the antidepressants at half price.”
    “I think I’ll take the pill now. Will you