giraffe statue. Like the one she liked from that antique place in New Hope.
MY SISTER: Can you say itâs from both of us?
ME: Okay, do you want to split it?
MY SISTER: Well how much $ was it?
ME: Like 200?
[NO RESPONSE]
ME: Okay, Iâll say itâs from both.
MY SISTER: Thx. And call me sometime! I feel like we never talk!
MY SISTER: Hey u up?
ME: No.
MY SISTER: Having major crisis!
ME: K. What?
MY SISTER: 25 pg paper due in four hrs!!! Professorâs being a total dick.
ME: Do you need any help?
MY SISTER: Do you know anything about Cameroonian separatists?
ME: No.
MY SISTER: Then no.
ME: So can I go back to sleep?
MY SISTER: NO! Iâm distraught!
ME: Why?
MY SISTER: They want to start their own govt in the south which is totally fine but the Cameroonian Loyalists donât want them to because it would include the oil-rich Bakassi peninsula! So UNFAIR!
ME: Uh huh.
MY SISTER: And the Loyalists already ADMITTED that it didnât belong to them! Itâs like, JUST LEAVE THE AMBAZONIA REGION ALREADY!!!
ME: Right. Iâm really tired.
MY SISTER: Itâs total domestic neocolonialism and itâs like, HELLO! GIVE THEM THE POLITICAL SOVEREIGNTY THEY DESERVE UNLESS YOU WANT ANOTHER RWANDA ON YOUR HANDS!!!
ME: Sure. Itâs just I kind of have a big day tomorrow.
MY SISTER: Okay fine! Go to sleep.
ME: Thx. Good luck with the paper.
MY SISTER: Donât patronize me
ME: I wasnât patronizing you.
ME: Hello?
MY SISTER: Hey u up?
ME: Havenât heard from you in a few days.
MY SISTER: I know sry bout that.
ME: No itâs been good actually. I finally got some sleep. Lol.
MY SISTER: Can you please not joke now?!
ME: Oh. Sorry.
MY SISTER: Not in the mood!
ME: Okay why?
MY SISTER: I was taken hostage by the Cameroonian Loyalists and just got cell service.
ME: What?!
MY SISTER: They read my paper.
ME: Are you serious?
MY SISTER: And Cameroonian Prime Minister Philemon Yunji Yang is being a total dick. Telling me that I canât leave till I take back what I wrote! Itâs like FREEDOM OF SPEECH, you know?
ME: Oh my god! Should I call the embassy?
MY SISTER: NO! They make such a big deal. And DONâT TELL MOM! She always overreacts. Remember when I was vegan?? Argh!
ME: Are you in danger?
MY SISTER: Itâs like, IâLL EAT WHATEVER I WANT, MOM!
ME: Okay. But Are You Safe???
MY SISTER: STOP ATTACKING ME! YES! Iâm safe. Iâm just pissed off.
ME: Okay. So can we talk about this when you get home?
MY SISTER: Yeah, can you pick me up from JFK when Iâm released?
ME: Sure, send me your flight details.
MY SISTER: And donât just drive around the terminal. Actually park and come in and get me ;-)
ME: K.
MY SISTER: Thx. I love you. CALL ME SOMETIME!
SEPARATION ANXIETY SLEEPAWAY CAMP
8 A.M . Campers begin the day with an early call to Mom. Those campers who have wet the bed will have an opportunity to change clothes or, if they prefer, to remain in their soiled pajamas as the warm stench of their own urine may be more comforting and remind them of home.
9 A.M . Breakfast is served in the main dining hall, though most campers will choose not to eat breakfast, as it is hard to eat first thing in the morning because the day hasnât started and this thought is mortifying. Those campers who boldly choose to eat will be given pancakes in the shape of their names, which will remind them of home and likely cause indigestion.
10:30 A.M . Swim time. Campers will swim for seven minutes in a shallow wading pool, with two lifeguards per camper. Campers will wear pre-inflated floaties on their arms and legs and around their necks. After swim, campers will have an opportunity to call their mom to let her know that they have not drowned.
If the camper has drowned, Mothers will be notified by the Counselors in Training, or CITs. The Counselors in Training will then have an opportunity call their own Mothers.
NOON. Lunchtime. Campers dig
MY SISTER: Can you say itâs from both of us?
ME: Okay, do you want to split it?
MY SISTER: Well how much $ was it?
ME: Like 200?
[NO RESPONSE]
ME: Okay, Iâll say itâs from both.
MY SISTER: Thx. And call me sometime! I feel like we never talk!
MY SISTER: Hey u up?
ME: No.
MY SISTER: Having major crisis!
ME: K. What?
MY SISTER: 25 pg paper due in four hrs!!! Professorâs being a total dick.
ME: Do you need any help?
MY SISTER: Do you know anything about Cameroonian separatists?
ME: No.
MY SISTER: Then no.
ME: So can I go back to sleep?
MY SISTER: NO! Iâm distraught!
ME: Why?
MY SISTER: They want to start their own govt in the south which is totally fine but the Cameroonian Loyalists donât want them to because it would include the oil-rich Bakassi peninsula! So UNFAIR!
ME: Uh huh.
MY SISTER: And the Loyalists already ADMITTED that it didnât belong to them! Itâs like, JUST LEAVE THE AMBAZONIA REGION ALREADY!!!
ME: Right. Iâm really tired.
MY SISTER: Itâs total domestic neocolonialism and itâs like, HELLO! GIVE THEM THE POLITICAL SOVEREIGNTY THEY DESERVE UNLESS YOU WANT ANOTHER RWANDA ON YOUR HANDS!!!
ME: Sure. Itâs just I kind of have a big day tomorrow.
MY SISTER: Okay fine! Go to sleep.
ME: Thx. Good luck with the paper.
MY SISTER: Donât patronize me
ME: I wasnât patronizing you.
ME: Hello?
MY SISTER: Hey u up?
ME: Havenât heard from you in a few days.
MY SISTER: I know sry bout that.
ME: No itâs been good actually. I finally got some sleep. Lol.
MY SISTER: Can you please not joke now?!
ME: Oh. Sorry.
MY SISTER: Not in the mood!
ME: Okay why?
MY SISTER: I was taken hostage by the Cameroonian Loyalists and just got cell service.
ME: What?!
MY SISTER: They read my paper.
ME: Are you serious?
MY SISTER: And Cameroonian Prime Minister Philemon Yunji Yang is being a total dick. Telling me that I canât leave till I take back what I wrote! Itâs like FREEDOM OF SPEECH, you know?
ME: Oh my god! Should I call the embassy?
MY SISTER: NO! They make such a big deal. And DONâT TELL MOM! She always overreacts. Remember when I was vegan?? Argh!
ME: Are you in danger?
MY SISTER: Itâs like, IâLL EAT WHATEVER I WANT, MOM!
ME: Okay. But Are You Safe???
MY SISTER: STOP ATTACKING ME! YES! Iâm safe. Iâm just pissed off.
ME: Okay. So can we talk about this when you get home?
MY SISTER: Yeah, can you pick me up from JFK when Iâm released?
ME: Sure, send me your flight details.
MY SISTER: And donât just drive around the terminal. Actually park and come in and get me ;-)
ME: K.
MY SISTER: Thx. I love you. CALL ME SOMETIME!
SEPARATION ANXIETY SLEEPAWAY CAMP
8 A.M . Campers begin the day with an early call to Mom. Those campers who have wet the bed will have an opportunity to change clothes or, if they prefer, to remain in their soiled pajamas as the warm stench of their own urine may be more comforting and remind them of home.
9 A.M . Breakfast is served in the main dining hall, though most campers will choose not to eat breakfast, as it is hard to eat first thing in the morning because the day hasnât started and this thought is mortifying. Those campers who boldly choose to eat will be given pancakes in the shape of their names, which will remind them of home and likely cause indigestion.
10:30 A.M . Swim time. Campers will swim for seven minutes in a shallow wading pool, with two lifeguards per camper. Campers will wear pre-inflated floaties on their arms and legs and around their necks. After swim, campers will have an opportunity to call their mom to let her know that they have not drowned.
If the camper has drowned, Mothers will be notified by the Counselors in Training, or CITs. The Counselors in Training will then have an opportunity call their own Mothers.
NOON. Lunchtime. Campers dig
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