Bream Gives Me Hiccups by Jesse Eisenberg Page B

into one of Mom’s prepack-aged lunches. Campers are encouraged not to read enclosed notes until after food is digested, which will be difficult as the thought of the unread note will be unsettling.
    Following lunch, campers are given a free reading period, in which they may read their notes from Mom. If a camper has not received a note from Mom, one of the Counselors in Training, or “CITs,” will forge a note and pretend it was lost in the refrigerator that housed the campers’ lunches. Attempts to match Mom’s handwriting will be sincerely made, although complete accuracy cannot be guaranteed.
    2–3 P.M . Campers will be given a “free period” where they will have one hour to explore the campgrounds, kayak on nearby Lake Winooski, build a campfire, or write a postcard to their Mom. Calls to Mom are also possible during this time.
    4 P.M . We follow free period with an afternoon call to Mom. At this point, campers may also ask to speak to their father, butthis is strictly optional. Most likely, Dad will not have time for the camper or, if he does have time, will likely talk about himself and how stressful work is or how well the camper’s sister is doing in her sports camp. If Dad is spoken to during this period, campers will be allotted twenty additional minutes to debrief with Mom. Tissues provided.
    5:30 P.M. Campers may choose from a variety of electives including Show-and-Tell, where campers can present a relic from their home to their fellow campers, who will likely not be able to focus on something from someone else’s life as this requires a level of interest in others that campers do not possess during periods of great agitation.
    Campers may also choose Arts and Crafts, where campers can draw family portraits wherein the Mother figure is unconsciously drawn much larger than the Father figure, who will likely have an X drawn, again unconsciously, through his face.
    We will also be featuring a new elective this year, called “Lamentation Period,” where campers are given time to reflect on their relationship with their mother and lament the futility of life away from home and the terror that accompanies leaving the house. Fears of college can also be prematurely contemplated during this time.
    7 P.M . Dinner is served in the main dining hall. Campers are encouraged to eat freely as the day is almost over and they are one day closer to being home. Though it is optional, campers may even enjoy themselves briefly and, if desired, experiencethe slightest amount of relief that they are a few hours closer to going home than they were at breakfast.
    AT 9 P.M. , it is lights out. Unless a camper would like to stay up all night and call their mom. If this is the case, a call to Mom is possible at this, or any, time. If the camper chooses to sleep but then has a nightmare, a call to Mom is allowed and encouraged. If the camper chooses to sleep but wakes up before his bunkmates, the camper may call his mother. If the camper chooses to sleep and makes it through the whole night without a call to Mom, he will be escorted home by one of the Counselors in Training, or “CITs,” to apologize to his mom for being aloof.
    Counselors in Training will be made up of campers’ moms.

MY MOTHER EXPLAINS THE BALLET TO ME
    Where have you been? It’s starting in five minutes! I hate having to leave your ticket at the box office. Why can’t you just show up on time like a normal person? You think you’d be able to be here early since you’re not coming from a job, a girlfriend, any kind of rich social life or commitment to public service. Anyway, I’m glad you’re here. Give me a kiss.
    What did you think of that usher? She seems pretty, a little chunky maybe, but nice, right? A nice face. You need to find someone like that. Did you like her? Did you say anything to her or did you just nod and shut down like you do around any girl that’s not Sarah?