Bream Gives Me Hiccups by Jesse Eisenberg

!”
    And Mom rolled down her window and shouted back, “Trust me, I’m not!”
    And then the woman said, “We’re sorry to see you’re notspiritually aligned enough to make it through the whole weekend.”
    And then Mom said, “Fuck off!” and pulled out of the parking lot.
    And even though Mom cursed, I started laughing, which is not normal for me because usually when Mom curses it makes me feel like I have a Sister instead of a Mother. But for some reason, I couldn’t stop laughing. Maybe because it was so early or maybe because I was just so happy to leave the Ashram, but I laughed until my cheeks hurt.
    As we were driving home, the sun began to rise and I stared at Mom, who seemed kind of happy for the first time since Dad left. She opened the window and let the air blow her wet hair back, which is something she never does because she doesn’t like fresh air.
    And I started laughing again because I suddenly thought that, a long time ago, Mom was a child like me. I never realized that Mom had her own life before me and maybe she was happy as a child or maybe she was sad, but she probably didn’t think that one day she would be so angry.
    Mom asked me, “What are you laughing at?”
    And I said the truth: “I thought of you as a child.”
    And then Mom started smiling. And I almost didn’t recognize her smile because it was a real smile. And it made her face look different—her eyes squinted and her cheeks puffed out a little. And even though she looked older than when she fake smiles, she looked a lot better.
    And then she said, “I was actually a really pretty girl.”
    And she had tears in her eyes even though she was smiling.
    And then I had tears in my eyes even though I was smiling too.
    And I wanted to ask her if she only took me around so that Dad would pay for her but I already knew the answer: Mom took me around because she needed me.
    Because going through a hard life with someone else is better than going through an easy life alone.
    That’s why I’m giving the Ashram 27 out of 2000 stars and Mom 1892 out of 2000 stars.

II.
    FAMILY
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MY LITTLE SISTER TEXTS ME WITH HER PROBLEMS
    MY SISTER: Hey u up?
    ME: It’s four in the morning.
    MY SISTER: Yeah.
    ME: Are you okay?
    MY SISTER: No!
    ME: Why?
    MY SISTER: Micah’s being a total dick.
    ME: Did he hurt you?
    MY SISTER: What? No. He’s just being a dick.
    ME: Oh. So can we talk about this in the morning?
    MY SISTER: CAN YOU STOP ATTACKING ME?
    ME: I’m not attacking you. So what happened?
    MY SISTER: We were supposed to just stay in tonight becauseWednesday is our quiet night and he invited Jarred over, who’s a pothead but like the selfish kind and the two of them were just making dumb jokes the whole night and I felt totally invisible.
    ME: Do you want me to talk to him?
    MY SISTER: Who?
    ME: Micah.
    MY SISTER: What? No! Why?
    ME: To tell him to be nicer or something?
    MY SISTER: WHAT??
    ME: I don’t know. Is he there with you?
    MY SISTER: Yeah. He’s sleeping. So sweet!
    ME: So it’s okay between you two?
    MY SISTER: YES! STOP IT!
    ME: Okay. I’m gonna go back to sleep now.
    MY SISTER: FINE!
    ME: Night honey.
    MY SISTER: I love you! Call me sometime! I miss you!
    MY SISTER: Hey u up?
    ME: I am now.
    MY SISTER: Have you bought mom a birthday thing yet?
    ME: A birthday thing?
    MY SISTER: Like a present?
    ME: Oh. Yeah. I did.
    MY SISTER: WHAT? WHY!?
    ME: Cause it’s her birthday. Can we talk about this in the morning?
    MY SISTER: NO! Dad’s being a total dick. He’s like “your mother’s not turning 60 again. Do you think she wants to remember this as the birthday you didn’t get her a present?”
    ME: Well why didn’t you get her anything?
    MY SISTER: BECAUSE I’VE BEEN BUSY?! CAN YOU PLEASE NOT ATTACK ME RIGHT NOW?
    ME: I wasn’t attacking you.
    MY SISTER: What did you get her?
    ME: I got her a small