Business Doctors - Management Consulting Gone Wild by Sameer Kamat Page A

matter-of-fact tone.
    “I’m sorry?” Martin wasn’t sure he heard it right.
    Consultants had different ways to break the ice and make the client feel comfortable. In contrast, the client seemed to be taking the initiative here, in a slightly unusual and bizarre manner.
    “Yeah, no point in keeping secrets from the doctor, right? If I can’t tell you my problems, you can’t help me out. We gotta work as a team. So I won’t beat around the bush. I’ll be open about it. I’m hoping you aren’t wired.”
    Woody looked at Joe enquiringly. Joe nodded and confirmed that their guests were clean.
    Schneider and Martin looked at each other askance - a mild look akin to horror on their faces. Smartly dressed in dark coats, nondescript shirts and plainer ties, they looked and seemed like what they were – m anagement consultants. Well-groomed, intelligent, mildly aggressive. The closest they came to being wired was their possession of iPhones.
    After a brief pause, which was hardly enough for Schneider and Martin to digest the generous helping of trust that had just been dumped on them, Woody went on to add, “We are getting badly screwed in almost all of our businesses. We need to find out what’s wrong with it. I am telling you, this recession thing has really spelled doom for us.”
    “Er, I -” Schneider struggled for words, “I’ll have to admit, this wasn’t exactly what we had in mind when we came over for this discussion,” the words finally started to flow, but the struggle to achieve coherence still appeared to be a problem.
    “We have to be honest, Mr. Woody, our team isn’t equipped to handle such a request. Our expertise and our skills are focused mainly in the Technology and Manufacturing industries.”
    “No sweat,” said Woody, “our counterfeiting business uses a lot of technology and we do manufacture - currency notes, CDs, DVDs and stuff. Didn’t you say your skills are, umm, what was the word - transferrable ? Can you go back to that colorful image where you list your amazing capabilities?” he gestured at Martin who was now fidgeting with the laptop, to avoid looking directly at Woody.
    “Mr. Woody, we really apologize, but we are not the best team to engage for something like this,” continued Schneider hoping to use the convincing skills that he had been lauded so many times for. “I would be happy to recommend someone else who would be better positioned, in terms of skills and experience, to assist you. But your business is so, er, unique. I’m not sure I’d know anyone else who’s done this before”.
    “There, you said it,” Woody seemed to have experienced an unlikely eureka moment. “There isn’t anyone else who can help us out with it. And we can’t let you go and tell the world that the most ruthless gang in L.A. went begging on their knees for help. No can do, guys. There’s not much of an option for you right now.”
    Schneider looked at Martin expectantly to see if he had any trump cards up his sleeves that could bail them out of this situation. The analytical whiz-kid didn’t seem to have a clue either. The best they could do was to buy some time and give it more thought in an ambience a little less stressful than this.
    Schneider looked back at Woody. “We’ll need to discuss this internally, Mr. Woody. Can we come back to you by next week?”
    “Two days,” Woody curtly replied and left the room.
    Joe looked at the consultants and shrugged his shoulders as he let out a sigh, in mock empathy, as he followed his boss out of the room.
    The duo from Schneider Associates quickly dismantled and packed their stuff, each silently mulling the turn of events. They had an anxious need to discuss this novel business proposal but maintained quiet till they had exited the building and got into their cars.
    “Jesus! What the hell was that? What do we do, Schneider?” burst out Martin on the phone as their cars started to roll and headed out of the parking lot. They did