the one that has become far too common in our society, is to cheat on your wife, jeopardizing your marriage and family, if you have children. All for what? To feel good. Not attractive options. Especially because this new “in love” euphoria, too, will fade over time. As many people find out in their second and third marriages. It always does. It is biology.
Here is a third option: Polyamory.
Polyamory is many things, but it is not a license to have sex with whomever or whenever you want. Not necessarily. Not unless that is what you and your spouse decide. Polyamory cannot really be defined, as it means different things to different people. In fact, polyamory might not mean having sex with anyone but your wife. Polyamory is about open and honest relationships, which first and foremost must happen in your primary relationship.
For starters, you can use this new office attraction as “borrowed desire,” sparking things at home, but not deceptively. Tell your wife about it. I know this sounds terrifying, but this is how one develops true intimacy and a deeper relationship with one’s spouse: by sharing fears.
You must start and end the conversation with reassurances on how much you love her and how you would never leave her. Tell her that revealing this is scary to you because you are afraid she will think something is going on, but that is precisely WHY you are telling her, to reassure her that there isn’t. Otherwise you wouldn’t be telling her.
This conversation can be extremely powerful. By telling her about this attraction you are 1) at least partially diffusing the situation at work (by hiding it, you’re only fueling the excitement and the desire for this new woman, and, worse, deceiving your wife) and, 2) making yourself vulnerable before your wife. Tell her that you don’t want to feel this attraction, but you do. Tell her that you aren’t going to act on it, but it feels great to be seen again. Tell her that it has inspired you to want to make her feel desired and loved and cherished again, because you would never do anything to hurt her or your family.
Ask if she feels threatened. If she does, then address that by reassuring her again. There is no place for anger here. If she get’s angry, then it is likely because she is scared of abandonment, too. Listen to your wife’s fears. Likely, her fear is that you are going to leave her. Abandonment is one of the greatest fears in any marriage. The tragedy is that this overwhelming fear of abandonment keeps couples from opening up to each other, which ironically and ultimately pushes them further and further apart making an indiscretion, separation, or divorce all that more likely.
In my next article, I will be addressing 5 myths about polyamory:
Casual sex with whomever/whenever
Something must be wrong with your marriage to want to open it up
It’s only about sex or It’s only about love
My spouse isn’t enough for me, so I must look elsewhere
It doesn’t work
Dispelling 5 Myths about Polyamory
Polyamory is not just about sex.
Polyamory is not just about love, although it is more about love than it is about sex.
Polyamory is not Swinging.
Polyamory is about being in an emotionally (and possibly sexual) open and honest relationship. It’s about knowing who you are. It’s about knowing who your spouse or significant other (SO) is. Completely. Intimately.
It’s about facing your fears and listening to your SO’s fears.
It’s about building true intimacy. And that in itself can be terrifying. To build true intimacy, you have to remove all masks, and we all wear masks to one degree or another out in the world. We are often many people. We play the role of employee or professional. We play the role of parent. We play the role of church or society member. We play the role of friend or acquaintance. But with our intimate relationship(s), we must find the courage to remove those masks and show our SO who we truly are. That’s
Here is a third option: Polyamory.
Polyamory is many things, but it is not a license to have sex with whomever or whenever you want. Not necessarily. Not unless that is what you and your spouse decide. Polyamory cannot really be defined, as it means different things to different people. In fact, polyamory might not mean having sex with anyone but your wife. Polyamory is about open and honest relationships, which first and foremost must happen in your primary relationship.
For starters, you can use this new office attraction as “borrowed desire,” sparking things at home, but not deceptively. Tell your wife about it. I know this sounds terrifying, but this is how one develops true intimacy and a deeper relationship with one’s spouse: by sharing fears.
You must start and end the conversation with reassurances on how much you love her and how you would never leave her. Tell her that revealing this is scary to you because you are afraid she will think something is going on, but that is precisely WHY you are telling her, to reassure her that there isn’t. Otherwise you wouldn’t be telling her.
This conversation can be extremely powerful. By telling her about this attraction you are 1) at least partially diffusing the situation at work (by hiding it, you’re only fueling the excitement and the desire for this new woman, and, worse, deceiving your wife) and, 2) making yourself vulnerable before your wife. Tell her that you don’t want to feel this attraction, but you do. Tell her that you aren’t going to act on it, but it feels great to be seen again. Tell her that it has inspired you to want to make her feel desired and loved and cherished again, because you would never do anything to hurt her or your family.
Ask if she feels threatened. If she does, then address that by reassuring her again. There is no place for anger here. If she get’s angry, then it is likely because she is scared of abandonment, too. Listen to your wife’s fears. Likely, her fear is that you are going to leave her. Abandonment is one of the greatest fears in any marriage. The tragedy is that this overwhelming fear of abandonment keeps couples from opening up to each other, which ironically and ultimately pushes them further and further apart making an indiscretion, separation, or divorce all that more likely.
In my next article, I will be addressing 5 myths about polyamory:
Casual sex with whomever/whenever
Something must be wrong with your marriage to want to open it up
It’s only about sex or It’s only about love
My spouse isn’t enough for me, so I must look elsewhere
It doesn’t work
Dispelling 5 Myths about Polyamory
Polyamory is not just about sex.
Polyamory is not just about love, although it is more about love than it is about sex.
Polyamory is not Swinging.
Polyamory is about being in an emotionally (and possibly sexual) open and honest relationship. It’s about knowing who you are. It’s about knowing who your spouse or significant other (SO) is. Completely. Intimately.
It’s about facing your fears and listening to your SO’s fears.
It’s about building true intimacy. And that in itself can be terrifying. To build true intimacy, you have to remove all masks, and we all wear masks to one degree or another out in the world. We are often many people. We play the role of employee or professional. We play the role of parent. We play the role of church or society member. We play the role of friend or acquaintance. But with our intimate relationship(s), we must find the courage to remove those masks and show our SO who we truly are. That’s
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