Christy Miller's Diary by Robin Jones Gunn Page A

going to go because we’re together now and things have been so great. That’s why I had to be the one to break up, to let him go, because I don’t think he would have done it.
    I gave him back the Forever bracelet when we were at the beach watching the sunset. He crumbled to the sand and he cried. He cried, DSF! I can’t begin to tell you how I feel right now. See these tear drops? They’re mine. And they’re only the beginning. I can’t believe all this happened tonight. I’m still numb.
    We barely talked on the ride home. And then he walked me to the door and turned and left. No good-bye kiss, no wishes for our future. Just good-bye!
    Oh, what have I done? What was I thinking? I felt so sure this is what God wanted me to do. But why? And if it was what God truly wanted, then would it hurt this much?
    I feel exhausted. I want to tell you more of what I’m feeling, but I can’t right now.
June 24
    I’m writing this with a hesitant hand, DSF.
    The reason I say that is because I’m not sure I trust myself to write out my feelings at the moment. They’ve been so mixed up the past few weeks.
    Todd left.
    He never called. Never said a special good-bye. He just left. Sometimes I’m sure I did the right thing. Other times, like right now, I ache, thinking that I made the biggest mistake of my life. I’ve plotted a hundred ways to get him back but I haven’t followed through on any of my schemes.
    This whole phase of our lives feels like it’s bigger than me. Bigger than both of us. It’s as if this is about something else. A test maybe? Is God testing us to see if we really mean it when we tell Him we love Him more than anything or anyone else? Or is all this just a self-inflicted torture that didn’t really need to happen? I mean, did I really hear God? Or in a deep, unidentified way, did I really want to let Todd go? Was I feeling panicked about getting too close or about being too absorbed with Todd when I have all these other life-changing decisions to make, like where am I going to go to college in the fall? What do I want to be when I grow up?
    I don’t know. I’m second-guessing myself on everything. I freak out for a while and then I get this calming peace and I know that God is still in control. Let me remind myself of that again.
    GOD IS IN CONTROL.
    He still has a plan He’s working out. He’s still prior to anything I decide or anything I do. He’s God.
    The most confusing element of this is Doug. He’s suddenly in my life in a big way as if he can now step in and take Todd’s place. I appreciate all the kind attention, but I can’t figure out what exactly is going on with him.
    I’ve got to go to work. I’ll scatter all the rest of my insecurities across another one of your pages in a day or two. You can hold them for me, if you don’t mind. Then maybe someday down the road I’ll come back and read these crazy words and it will make sense. Or maybe it still won’t all make sense. But at least I’ll know that in the midst of it all I was trying to trust God. Trying to understand and do the right thing.
June 26
    Hello there, DSF!
    I imagine after the last few entries you might have thought that I’d never have another happy word to write. But today I do. Katie and I went to the beach together this afternoon, just the two of us and we had the best time! She broke up with Michael a couple months ago. I never told you, did I? It was around the same time that I was breaking up with Todd and I guess that took first place over Katie’s broken heart.
    She and I call ourselves the “widow-women” and that allows us to treat ourselves to afternoons at the beach and movies we both like to cry at with an extra large tub of buttered popcorn between us.
    Next weekend my family is flying back to Wisconsin for my grandparents’ fiftieth wedding anniversary. It’s the first vacation we’ve all been able to take together in a long time. I’m looking forward to it. The only thing I’m not looking