The Golden Gun.
USES
For those many times in life when you just need a third nipple.
COOLNESS
At first glance, not very cool. But once you consider the possibilities, the coolness factor rises, much more so than the fake fingerprints Bond used in Diamonds Are Forever.
REALITY
Hollywood SPFX guys make these all the time, and you can too with some plaster for an impression cast, and some foam latex. HINT: Shave your chest first.
DO YOU WANT IT?
Yes. Put them on sofas, on jewelry, on windows, on fruit, and all over yourself before that visit to the public pool.
SAFETY TIP
Don’t use super glue.
----
GADGET
Little Nellie portable gyrocopter with rocket launchers, machine guns, flamethrower, and heat seeking-missiles. Used by Bond in You Only Live Twice.
USES
Fly around, impress the ladies, drop stuff on people.
COOLNESS
Über-cool. Smaller than a helicopter. Not nearly as expensive to use as the Bell-Trexton rocket pack Bond used in Thunderball, but with a lot more firepower.
REALITY
Available on Ebay for under 20k, but without the weaponry. (Weaponry is available separately on Ebay.)
DO YOU WANT IT?
Of course you want it. Just think about all the stuff you could drop on people.
SAFETY TIP
From three hundred feet, a small honeydew melon can cripple a man.
----
GADGET
Wrist watch with plastic explosive and detonator, used by Bond in Moonraker.
USES
Blow stuff up, threaten to blow stuff up.
COOLNESS
Cool. Blowing stuff up never gets old.
REALITY
Possible, and cheap to make. But you’d have to buy refills all the time. They always get you on the refills.
DO YOU WANT IT?
Yes. Excuse me, what time is it? It’s time to blow stuff up! Let’s start with that stupid seagull snorkel.
SAFETY TIP
Don’t play with all the dials until you’ve read the instructions.
----
GADGET
Keys that open 90% of the world’s locks, used by Bond in The Living Daylights.
USES
Unlimited. Steal cars. Rob banks. Take the change from parking meters. Shop after hours. And never pay for a vending machine again.
COOLNESS
Opening stuff up: Cool. Walking around like a janitor with a big key ring: Uncool.
REALITY
Master keys exist, and can be found on the Internet. So can lock picks. So can lawyers, which you’ll need after you get caught opening up other people’s locks.
DO YOU WANT IT?
No. You’d probably just lose them.
SAFETY TIP
Don’t keep these in your back pocket while ice skating. Or your front pocket.
----
GADGET
Surfboard with concealed explosives, combat knife, and mini computer, used by Bond in Die Another Day.
USES
Hang ten, then kill seven.
COOLNESS
Super cool. You can shred that gnarly barrel, and at the same time Google what the hell that means.
REALITY
It’s possible to produce, but be careful you don’t wax your mini-computer.
DO YOU WANT IT?
Of course. But instead of weapons and electronics, you can fill your board with soda and snacks (that you got for free at the vending machine.)
SAFETY TIP
Make sure the combat knife is properly secured before you hit the waves, or you’ll be hanging nine.
----
GADGET
X-Ray eyeglasses, used by Bond in The World Is Not Enough.
USES
Seeing though things like playing cards, safes, walls, doors, and clothing (to look for concealed weapons and stick-on third nipples.)
COOLNESS
Perhaps Bond’s coolest gadget. It would sure make everyday life a lot more interesting.
REALITY
If you ever sent away for a pair of these in the back of a comic book, you know they don’t work, but what did you expect for $2.95? Your mother told you they wouldn’t work, didn’t she? Real versions may exist, but they probably cost big bucks. And cause cancer.
DO YOU WANT IT?
Sure you do. Just don’t take them to family reunions. Or retirement homes.
SAFETY TIP
Wear baggy pants.
----
GADGET
Underwater manta ray cloak, used by Bond in License To Kill.
USES
Pretend you’re a manta ray, get close to other manta rays, get sexually assaulted by a manta ray.
COOLNESS
Not cool, unless you have a secret thing for manta
USES
For those many times in life when you just need a third nipple.
COOLNESS
At first glance, not very cool. But once you consider the possibilities, the coolness factor rises, much more so than the fake fingerprints Bond used in Diamonds Are Forever.
REALITY
Hollywood SPFX guys make these all the time, and you can too with some plaster for an impression cast, and some foam latex. HINT: Shave your chest first.
DO YOU WANT IT?
Yes. Put them on sofas, on jewelry, on windows, on fruit, and all over yourself before that visit to the public pool.
SAFETY TIP
Don’t use super glue.
----
GADGET
Little Nellie portable gyrocopter with rocket launchers, machine guns, flamethrower, and heat seeking-missiles. Used by Bond in You Only Live Twice.
USES
Fly around, impress the ladies, drop stuff on people.
COOLNESS
Über-cool. Smaller than a helicopter. Not nearly as expensive to use as the Bell-Trexton rocket pack Bond used in Thunderball, but with a lot more firepower.
REALITY
Available on Ebay for under 20k, but without the weaponry. (Weaponry is available separately on Ebay.)
DO YOU WANT IT?
Of course you want it. Just think about all the stuff you could drop on people.
SAFETY TIP
From three hundred feet, a small honeydew melon can cripple a man.
----
GADGET
Wrist watch with plastic explosive and detonator, used by Bond in Moonraker.
USES
Blow stuff up, threaten to blow stuff up.
COOLNESS
Cool. Blowing stuff up never gets old.
REALITY
Possible, and cheap to make. But you’d have to buy refills all the time. They always get you on the refills.
DO YOU WANT IT?
Yes. Excuse me, what time is it? It’s time to blow stuff up! Let’s start with that stupid seagull snorkel.
SAFETY TIP
Don’t play with all the dials until you’ve read the instructions.
----
GADGET
Keys that open 90% of the world’s locks, used by Bond in The Living Daylights.
USES
Unlimited. Steal cars. Rob banks. Take the change from parking meters. Shop after hours. And never pay for a vending machine again.
COOLNESS
Opening stuff up: Cool. Walking around like a janitor with a big key ring: Uncool.
REALITY
Master keys exist, and can be found on the Internet. So can lock picks. So can lawyers, which you’ll need after you get caught opening up other people’s locks.
DO YOU WANT IT?
No. You’d probably just lose them.
SAFETY TIP
Don’t keep these in your back pocket while ice skating. Or your front pocket.
----
GADGET
Surfboard with concealed explosives, combat knife, and mini computer, used by Bond in Die Another Day.
USES
Hang ten, then kill seven.
COOLNESS
Super cool. You can shred that gnarly barrel, and at the same time Google what the hell that means.
REALITY
It’s possible to produce, but be careful you don’t wax your mini-computer.
DO YOU WANT IT?
Of course. But instead of weapons and electronics, you can fill your board with soda and snacks (that you got for free at the vending machine.)
SAFETY TIP
Make sure the combat knife is properly secured before you hit the waves, or you’ll be hanging nine.
----
GADGET
X-Ray eyeglasses, used by Bond in The World Is Not Enough.
USES
Seeing though things like playing cards, safes, walls, doors, and clothing (to look for concealed weapons and stick-on third nipples.)
COOLNESS
Perhaps Bond’s coolest gadget. It would sure make everyday life a lot more interesting.
REALITY
If you ever sent away for a pair of these in the back of a comic book, you know they don’t work, but what did you expect for $2.95? Your mother told you they wouldn’t work, didn’t she? Real versions may exist, but they probably cost big bucks. And cause cancer.
DO YOU WANT IT?
Sure you do. Just don’t take them to family reunions. Or retirement homes.
SAFETY TIP
Wear baggy pants.
----
GADGET
Underwater manta ray cloak, used by Bond in License To Kill.
USES
Pretend you’re a manta ray, get close to other manta rays, get sexually assaulted by a manta ray.
COOLNESS
Not cool, unless you have a secret thing for manta
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