rays.
REALITY
Can be made in real life, but for God’s sake why?
DO YOU WANT IT?
Only if you’re really lonely. You might also consider getting the seagull snorkel as well, and you can pretend you’re a ray chasing a seagull. You can play that one for hours and hours.
SAFETY TIP
If you spend more than $30 for this, you’re a real moron.
----
GADGET
Lotus Esprit sports car that turns into a submarine, complete with mines, missiles, underwater ink jets, and self-destruct mechanism, that Bond used in The Spy Who Loved Me and Moonraker.
USES
Never take the ferry again, drive into swimming pool to fetch the quarters Grandpa throws in there.
COOLNESS
A hot car, and a hot submersible, all in one. Plus rockets.
REALITY
Boat cars do exist in real life, but they’re actually dorky looking, and driven by people who can’t get dates.
DO YOU WANT IT?
You know you do. But when purchasing options, go for an Alpine stereo and Bose speakers instead of a self-destruct button—it’s more practical.
UNDERWATER TIP
If you drive over a starfish and cut it in half, it will grow into two new starfishes, both of them very pissed off at you.
----
GADGET
Dinner jacket which turns into a black sniper’s outfit, used by Bond in The Living Daylights.
USES
When black tie events become boring.
COOLNESS
Cooler than the light blue tux with the ruffle shirt which turns into an adult diaper, but not by much.
REALITY
They already have these for rent at Gingiss. You’ll need two forms of ID, and there’s a mandatory 14 day waiting period.
DO YOU WANT IT?
You don’t want to admit it, but yes you do. But then, you never had much taste in clothing.
FASHION TIP
Belts are okay, but the trendy sniper prefers suspenders.
----
GADGET
Cigarette lighter grenade, used by Bond in Tomorrow Never Dies.
USES
No smoking means no smoking.
COOLNESS
Anything that blows up is cool (see plastic explosive watch.)
REALITY
You can put explosives into anything; lighters, bottles, cans, small animals, etc.
DO YOU WANT IT?
Absolutely. Think about taking it to a heavy metal concert when the power ballad is playing.
SAFETY TIP
Don’t get it confused with your real lighter because you might accidentally throw your real lighter at the bad guys and they’ll say, “Why’d you throw a lighter at us, stupid? Are we supposed to be scared?” Also, you might blow your face off.
----
GADGET
Piton gun with retractable wire, used by Bond in Diamonds Are Forever and Goldeneye.
USES
Climb up buildings and rock faces, retrieve the remote control without getting up from the couch.
COOLNESS
Climbing, swinging, and shooting things are all cool.
REALITY
Wouldn’t actually be strong enough to hold a man’s weight, but you could have fun letting your buddies try it out.
DO YOU WANT IT?
Yes. It’s like being Spiderman, but without the webby discharge.
SAFETY TIP
Don’t point it at your own face, or at family members, unless you’re trying to climb them.
----
GADGET
Exploding talcum powder tear gas, used by Bond in From Russia With Love.
USES
Personal hygiene, making enemies cry.
COOLNESS
Talc isn’t very cool. Neither is tear gas. But it does explode, which counts for something.
REALITY
It might already exist. It might not. Who cares?
DO YOU WANT IT?
No. You make your significant other cry all the time without gas, and no one uses talc anymore.
SAFETY TIP
Wear a gas mask before applying to your underarms.
----
GADGET
Magnetic watch with circular saw, used by Bond in Live And Let Die.
USES
Cutting through rope tied around your wrists, finding screws you dropped on the carpeting.
COOLNESS
Having your watch face spin around really fast is cool. Cutting off your own hand at the wrist is uncool.
REALITY
Buy a chainsaw that tells time instead. It’s cheaper and more effective.
DO YOU WANT IT?
No. If you want a cool Bond timepiece, get the plastic explosive watch. Or the laser bean watch from Tomorrow Never Dies. Or the grappling hook watch from The World Is Not Enough. Or the ticker tape
REALITY
Can be made in real life, but for God’s sake why?
DO YOU WANT IT?
Only if you’re really lonely. You might also consider getting the seagull snorkel as well, and you can pretend you’re a ray chasing a seagull. You can play that one for hours and hours.
SAFETY TIP
If you spend more than $30 for this, you’re a real moron.
----
GADGET
Lotus Esprit sports car that turns into a submarine, complete with mines, missiles, underwater ink jets, and self-destruct mechanism, that Bond used in The Spy Who Loved Me and Moonraker.
USES
Never take the ferry again, drive into swimming pool to fetch the quarters Grandpa throws in there.
COOLNESS
A hot car, and a hot submersible, all in one. Plus rockets.
REALITY
Boat cars do exist in real life, but they’re actually dorky looking, and driven by people who can’t get dates.
DO YOU WANT IT?
You know you do. But when purchasing options, go for an Alpine stereo and Bose speakers instead of a self-destruct button—it’s more practical.
UNDERWATER TIP
If you drive over a starfish and cut it in half, it will grow into two new starfishes, both of them very pissed off at you.
----
GADGET
Dinner jacket which turns into a black sniper’s outfit, used by Bond in The Living Daylights.
USES
When black tie events become boring.
COOLNESS
Cooler than the light blue tux with the ruffle shirt which turns into an adult diaper, but not by much.
REALITY
They already have these for rent at Gingiss. You’ll need two forms of ID, and there’s a mandatory 14 day waiting period.
DO YOU WANT IT?
You don’t want to admit it, but yes you do. But then, you never had much taste in clothing.
FASHION TIP
Belts are okay, but the trendy sniper prefers suspenders.
----
GADGET
Cigarette lighter grenade, used by Bond in Tomorrow Never Dies.
USES
No smoking means no smoking.
COOLNESS
Anything that blows up is cool (see plastic explosive watch.)
REALITY
You can put explosives into anything; lighters, bottles, cans, small animals, etc.
DO YOU WANT IT?
Absolutely. Think about taking it to a heavy metal concert when the power ballad is playing.
SAFETY TIP
Don’t get it confused with your real lighter because you might accidentally throw your real lighter at the bad guys and they’ll say, “Why’d you throw a lighter at us, stupid? Are we supposed to be scared?” Also, you might blow your face off.
----
GADGET
Piton gun with retractable wire, used by Bond in Diamonds Are Forever and Goldeneye.
USES
Climb up buildings and rock faces, retrieve the remote control without getting up from the couch.
COOLNESS
Climbing, swinging, and shooting things are all cool.
REALITY
Wouldn’t actually be strong enough to hold a man’s weight, but you could have fun letting your buddies try it out.
DO YOU WANT IT?
Yes. It’s like being Spiderman, but without the webby discharge.
SAFETY TIP
Don’t point it at your own face, or at family members, unless you’re trying to climb them.
----
GADGET
Exploding talcum powder tear gas, used by Bond in From Russia With Love.
USES
Personal hygiene, making enemies cry.
COOLNESS
Talc isn’t very cool. Neither is tear gas. But it does explode, which counts for something.
REALITY
It might already exist. It might not. Who cares?
DO YOU WANT IT?
No. You make your significant other cry all the time without gas, and no one uses talc anymore.
SAFETY TIP
Wear a gas mask before applying to your underarms.
----
GADGET
Magnetic watch with circular saw, used by Bond in Live And Let Die.
USES
Cutting through rope tied around your wrists, finding screws you dropped on the carpeting.
COOLNESS
Having your watch face spin around really fast is cool. Cutting off your own hand at the wrist is uncool.
REALITY
Buy a chainsaw that tells time instead. It’s cheaper and more effective.
DO YOU WANT IT?
No. If you want a cool Bond timepiece, get the plastic explosive watch. Or the laser bean watch from Tomorrow Never Dies. Or the grappling hook watch from The World Is Not Enough. Or the ticker tape
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