Dark World: The Surface Girl by Kell Frillman Page B

– I had to do that,” he muttered with a guilty tone. Emotions became a live army and I was the target. They rushed at me with bayonets drawn, screaming, raging, swearing to take my blood to the grave with them as they clashed into each other and battled without mercy. I closed my eyes again and concentrated on breathing – it was easier. My lungs were actually taking in air now, the flow wasn't being forced through a pinhole.
              It hadn't been the passageway, after all. I wasn't dying. Reese was probably right. I'd never had a panic attack before so how was I supposed to know?
                  This was all too much. I couldn't process it. I couldn't sort it out. I couldn't figure out where the lies stopped and the truth began – so I ran. I ran from the little girl who was probably a mole for the government but might possibly be from the surface somehow. I ran from Reese, who claimed he kissed me to save me from my panic attack but I didn't believe that was true, either. He had kissed me because he wanted to and that made everything I was already feeling for him that much more devastating. It was painful enough to harbor unrequited feelings that could never be acted upon but it was twice as painful to know that he might feel that same way, and yet we could still never be together. His kiss opened a doorway to how amazing and uplifting being with him could feel but I would never be able to walk through it. How could I even look at him now that I knew he wanted from me the same thing I wanted from him?
              What about my father? Who was he ? Did I know him at all? Was he anything like the man I thought he was? How many secrets was he keeping, and why? Did Mom know that he was breaking Doctrine? My mind said no, she couldn’t possibly, but what did I know? It seemed like so many things I had been pressured to accept as truth were actually lies and I didn't know who to trust anymore.
                  I stopped running once I reached the door to my barracks. I pressed my palm on the wall near the door and let my head sink forward. My breathing was labored again but I knew this time it was because of running, not because I was dying. I closed my eyes so I couldn't get distracted by anything in the visual world. My heartbeat thundered deep within my ear canals. Blood rushed through my veins as if it had an urgent place to be. I trembled. I couldn't walk into my barracks like this, I knew my dissevered state would terrify my parents but I couldn't just stand here forever, either. Reese might be not far behind and I couldn't speak to him or face him again. At least not right now. Preferably not ever. My sixteenth birthday was turning out to be the worst day of my life.
              After a few minutes, I stood up straight and rubbed my palms over my face. I concentrated on my breathing and willed my heart to slow.
              Everything's fine. You’re fine. Nothing happened today. It's like any other day – at least until tonight. No – don’t think about tonight. Just focus on now and remember everything is fine. You can do this.
                  Lying to myself was helping, at least a little bit. I was calming down. I let my chest visibly rise and fall with each breath until I was semi-confident that I could convincingly appear normal when I walked through the door. I ran my fingers through my hair in an attempt to smooth out any tangles that may have happened during my experience
                  NO! Don't think about that!
              and pulled my shoulders back. I pressed my thumb to the print-plate. A single beep followed and the door to my barracks opened. I walked inside as casually as possible and was instantly greeted by my mother. “There you are, good!” She paused and tilted her head as her eyes grazed over me. I shifted uncomfortably. “Where's whatever you had to pick