Dead to You by Lisa McMann Page A

“Hey.”
    “Can’t sleep?”
    “Nope. You?”
    Mama smiles. “Same. This is all really crazy, isn’t it. You doing okay?”
    The TV flashes. “Yeah. Pretty much.”
    “I set an appointment for you to see a psychologist. The one that CPS recommended to me is on vacation this week, so we’re in for next week. Okay?”
    I bite the inside of my cheek and say the right thing. “Yeah. I suppose.”
    “I know it’s got to feel really strange to be here. We’re all so glad you’re back, Ethan. We really are. It’s just going to take some adjusting for all of us.”
    Adjusting. It’s pretty much all I do—I am an expert. “I’ve made adjustments before.”
    “Have you? Like what?”
    And there it is. An opening. I feel her lean toward me just a fraction. Eager, but not pushing me.
    I take a breath and let it out. Deciding. “The woman who . . . had me. Um . . . Eleanor.” I’m not sure why I want to keep protecting Ellen’s name, but I do. “After a while, after everything—having me for all those years—she got rid of me. Couldn’t afford to keep me anymore. She drove me out to Nebraska to a youth home. You can drop your kids off there in Nebraska, did you know that? No penalty. Leave ’em for good,” I say. “And people do it. She did that.”
    Mama wears an intense look. She’s quiet, but I can tell she’s disturbed, and I like that, actually. Is that sick?
    “So,” she says. “You had to adjust from Eleanor’s home to the group home.” Her words are clippy and her accent gets sharper. I can tell that she has a thousand other questions, but she holds them in.
    “Yes.”
    “That must have been hard.”
    I remember it. Remember Ellen pulling up to the door in the darkness, leaning over me to read the letters on the glass. Telling me to go on, it was okay, that she’d be back for me in a few days, once she got a job and could get us a new place in Omaha. Touching my cheek, telling me she loved me, and I could see in her eyes that she meant it. I believed her. I did.
    And then I had to live it down. All the other abandoned loser kids mocking me. Up in my face. They knew. Even my girl Tempest said Ellen wouldn’t be back. But I was stupid. It was months before I believed them. Before I believed that Ellen could ever do anything so horrible to me. When I fell apart, they all fucked with my head even more.
    “It was hard,” I agree.
    “Then what happened?” She asks. Her voice is soft, like she’s scared I’ll run away if she asks it too loud.
    “I stayed awhile longer and got beat up a few times. Learned how to fight back. But that’s where I started thinking that maybe, you know, maybe there was a family, a long time ago. Before Eleanor. Finally I ran away and lived on the streets for about a year before I found you.”
    Mama squeezes my knee, and then she hugs me. “I’m glad you found us. We tried so hard to find you. We really did.”
    “I know.” I hug her too. Something thaws inside me. It’s starting to feel real, being here.
    Mama hangs on, clutching the back of my shirt. I can hear her crying a little on my shoulder, and then she starts sobbing. I pat her back. It’s awkward and I hope it stops soon. I can’t take this every day. But she’s a nice lady, and she’s my mama no matter what I remember about her, so I let it happen.
    “I’m so sorry,” she says, sniffling. “I’m so sorry I didn’t watch you better. I wish I could have that minute back. Over and over I wish it. I can’t forgive myself.”
    “Mama, it’s okay,” I say.
    And for a moment, it is.

CHAPTER 17
     
    At breakfast Dad looks at me with a half smile that says Mama told him everything. I’m glad not to have to repeat it. I down some coffee and grab my backpack, trying to decide what my Cami approach will be today. I think I’m going to pretend I’m not interested.
    Blake and I head out to the bus stop and it’s so cold my nose hairs freeze. Cami’s there already, hovering near the other