pictures of Jason and me as we grew in our relationship, starting with prom our Junior year. There was a picture of our wedding and one of Jason and me with our newborn baby daughter. Was all of this a dream too? Nothing seemed real to me as the overload of information tried to register in my brain. When I felt strong enough to stand, I kissed the top of my dad’s head, and then I kissed the woman I knew to be my mother on her forehead and headed toward the door.
“I love you, Katie,” she said almost pleading for a response from me.
“I love you too, Mom,” I finally managed. “I’m okay, so please don’t worry. I just have to let it all sink in. I’ll talk to you about this later.”
I don’t remember picking Gracie up from school, or even driving home for that matter. Until the visit to my parent’s house, the dreams of this little girl had felt like a totally different subject from my forgotten memories and my intimacy problems. Now it was impossible to separate them. How did the pieces fit together? Somehow, I would have to move forward. I would have to come to grips with this reality no matter how unreal it felt, because the truth was more important to me than ever before. I knew there would be more shocking details about Evie. I still could not speak of her in the first person. She was still the little girl in my dreams. Until I knew what happened to make me forget her and choose to become Katherine, I would not think of her as myself as a child. I still felt as if she was asking me to save her from something, and I would do everything I could to make that happen. When I walked into my house, I headed straight to my journal. I needed to talk to her. I stared at the letters I had written to her over the past weeks. To me nothing had changed when it came to the journal. I was still giving comfort to the little girl. That’s all I knew to do at that point. She needed me… she needed Katherine to be there for her, and I would be.
Dear Evie:
I am so sorry I left you back there. I promise I am going to try to understand what happened to you. It must have been terrible if I have buried it so deep that I can’t remember you. I also promise to find our baby brother. Somehow I will make things right.
Katherine
I continued to dream the same dream night after night, but with a much different reaction. I almost willed myself to have the dream and tried to force it to continue, to add details that would give me a clue as to what my life had been like as Evie. I had never been able to see the faces of my parents, even when Evie would look at them. It was as if my mind refused to allow me to see their faces. I had lived with those people as their daughter at least until I turned ten years old, but try as I might, I could not see their faces. Was the man who was so mean in my dreams my dad? Was the memory of knowing my parents had burned up in their house more than my mind could accept as a child? Did I try to save them? Was that why I had the burns on my hands? The questions were never ending and made it impossible to function in the days prior to me seeing the doctor again.
The morning of my appointment with Dr. Anna, I rushed around as if I were preparing to catch a plane for a grand vacation. I couldn’t seem to get there fast enough. I wanted to share my new knowledge with her and see if she could fill in some blanks for me. Anything my parents knew, I was positive Dr. Anna had been informed of as well. But maybe she knew even more. She may have found out more when I was a child under her care. That thick notebook had to be filled with something, after all. When I arrived, I rushed down the hall, into her office, and waited for her. Dr. Anna walked into her office with a look of disbelief on her face. She looked at me as if she was trying to evaluate my speedy entrance. The doctor smiled at me and almost seemed amused until she noticed how uneasy I was.
“Sit down,
“I love you, Katie,” she said almost pleading for a response from me.
“I love you too, Mom,” I finally managed. “I’m okay, so please don’t worry. I just have to let it all sink in. I’ll talk to you about this later.”
I don’t remember picking Gracie up from school, or even driving home for that matter. Until the visit to my parent’s house, the dreams of this little girl had felt like a totally different subject from my forgotten memories and my intimacy problems. Now it was impossible to separate them. How did the pieces fit together? Somehow, I would have to move forward. I would have to come to grips with this reality no matter how unreal it felt, because the truth was more important to me than ever before. I knew there would be more shocking details about Evie. I still could not speak of her in the first person. She was still the little girl in my dreams. Until I knew what happened to make me forget her and choose to become Katherine, I would not think of her as myself as a child. I still felt as if she was asking me to save her from something, and I would do everything I could to make that happen. When I walked into my house, I headed straight to my journal. I needed to talk to her. I stared at the letters I had written to her over the past weeks. To me nothing had changed when it came to the journal. I was still giving comfort to the little girl. That’s all I knew to do at that point. She needed me… she needed Katherine to be there for her, and I would be.
Dear Evie:
I am so sorry I left you back there. I promise I am going to try to understand what happened to you. It must have been terrible if I have buried it so deep that I can’t remember you. I also promise to find our baby brother. Somehow I will make things right.
Katherine
I continued to dream the same dream night after night, but with a much different reaction. I almost willed myself to have the dream and tried to force it to continue, to add details that would give me a clue as to what my life had been like as Evie. I had never been able to see the faces of my parents, even when Evie would look at them. It was as if my mind refused to allow me to see their faces. I had lived with those people as their daughter at least until I turned ten years old, but try as I might, I could not see their faces. Was the man who was so mean in my dreams my dad? Was the memory of knowing my parents had burned up in their house more than my mind could accept as a child? Did I try to save them? Was that why I had the burns on my hands? The questions were never ending and made it impossible to function in the days prior to me seeing the doctor again.
The morning of my appointment with Dr. Anna, I rushed around as if I were preparing to catch a plane for a grand vacation. I couldn’t seem to get there fast enough. I wanted to share my new knowledge with her and see if she could fill in some blanks for me. Anything my parents knew, I was positive Dr. Anna had been informed of as well. But maybe she knew even more. She may have found out more when I was a child under her care. That thick notebook had to be filled with something, after all. When I arrived, I rushed down the hall, into her office, and waited for her. Dr. Anna walked into her office with a look of disbelief on her face. She looked at me as if she was trying to evaluate my speedy entrance. The doctor smiled at me and almost seemed amused until she noticed how uneasy I was.
“Sit down,
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