she wasn’t me; she couldn’t be me. The fog that I’d hoped my mother could help lift was now so dense and thick I could barely breath.
“Katie… Katie, are you all right?”
I realized my mother had called my name several times as I stared out of blank eyes, reeling from my attempt to process the news.
“Yes Mama. I am just a little shaken by all this.”
A little shaken had to be the understatement of the year, but I tried not to let my mother see just how the secret she had so casually blurted out had completely shifted my life in a downward spiral. In my head I was screaming, crying, and demanding it not to be true. It could not be true. In all fairness, I had never told my mother the name of the little girl in my dreams. I had not told her many details at all, so she didn’t realize what a blow it was when she told me my original name.
“So, let me make sure I have this all straight. My name was Evelyn, and I was found holding my baby brother after the accident that took my parents. Is that right? What happened to my belongings, pictures, and documents? Maybe I can locate my brother if I can find the things left behind.”
“Oh, there were no pictures or documents left. I’m sure they were all destroyed when the house burned. It was a total loss. The only reason they were able to find out information on you was because of school records and what little information they obtained from your neighbor. There was nothing left but ashes.”
I had always assumed there had been a car accident and that my injuries were a result of the car catching fire. No one had ever told me different, and I had never asked about it.
“So my parents… my birth parents,” I said, correcting myself, “burned up in a house fire?”
I knew my tone was proof to her of how absolutely freaked out I was. I couldn’t seem to keep it together any longer, and I could see in her eyes that she did not want to answer the question, but she did manage to respond in a very low, embarrassed whisper.
“Yes, sweetie, they were consumed along with everything else in the house.”
A sudden surge of nausea came over me, and I had to run to the bathroom. I couldn’t even picture my parents in my mind. I had no memory of either of them, but when I heard those words, a set of blue eyes, sad and pleading, flashed into my mind, and I felt so sick that I had to vomit. Then I cried as if my heart was broken. I didn’t remember my birth mother. I had no idea that she’d died in a house fire, but the instant the truth was revealed to me I was overwhelmed with emotion. When I finally emerged from the bathroom, my mom was waiting outside the door to make sure I was okay.
“I guess I should have told you all this a long time ago. I hope you will forgive me for keeping it from you, but you seemed to be happy with us, and I didn’t want to upset you by bringing any of it up. As time passed, I guess it just didn’t seem important anymore. Until a few weeks ago, you had never mentioned your past, never asked any questions. I guess I hoped you were so happy with us that you just wanted to forget the past. I believed you were just better off not knowing the truth. I guess that was selfish on my part. I’m so very sorry, Katie. I never meant for my silence to cause you such pain. Please forgive me, Katie. I love you so very much…We love you so much,” she said as she looked at my father who sat in the living room not sure what to do.
I wasn’t able to respond to her comments. I felt as if I was trying to wake up from the longest nightmare in history. I sat across from my parents in the living room of the house I grew up in; that is, at least from the age of ten. The walls and furniture held proof that I’d been there. There were pictures for every accomplishment, including awards day at school with me holding up my certificate; trophies from the sports teams I had participated in; and even
“Katie… Katie, are you all right?”
I realized my mother had called my name several times as I stared out of blank eyes, reeling from my attempt to process the news.
“Yes Mama. I am just a little shaken by all this.”
A little shaken had to be the understatement of the year, but I tried not to let my mother see just how the secret she had so casually blurted out had completely shifted my life in a downward spiral. In my head I was screaming, crying, and demanding it not to be true. It could not be true. In all fairness, I had never told my mother the name of the little girl in my dreams. I had not told her many details at all, so she didn’t realize what a blow it was when she told me my original name.
“So, let me make sure I have this all straight. My name was Evelyn, and I was found holding my baby brother after the accident that took my parents. Is that right? What happened to my belongings, pictures, and documents? Maybe I can locate my brother if I can find the things left behind.”
“Oh, there were no pictures or documents left. I’m sure they were all destroyed when the house burned. It was a total loss. The only reason they were able to find out information on you was because of school records and what little information they obtained from your neighbor. There was nothing left but ashes.”
I had always assumed there had been a car accident and that my injuries were a result of the car catching fire. No one had ever told me different, and I had never asked about it.
“So my parents… my birth parents,” I said, correcting myself, “burned up in a house fire?”
I knew my tone was proof to her of how absolutely freaked out I was. I couldn’t seem to keep it together any longer, and I could see in her eyes that she did not want to answer the question, but she did manage to respond in a very low, embarrassed whisper.
“Yes, sweetie, they were consumed along with everything else in the house.”
A sudden surge of nausea came over me, and I had to run to the bathroom. I couldn’t even picture my parents in my mind. I had no memory of either of them, but when I heard those words, a set of blue eyes, sad and pleading, flashed into my mind, and I felt so sick that I had to vomit. Then I cried as if my heart was broken. I didn’t remember my birth mother. I had no idea that she’d died in a house fire, but the instant the truth was revealed to me I was overwhelmed with emotion. When I finally emerged from the bathroom, my mom was waiting outside the door to make sure I was okay.
“I guess I should have told you all this a long time ago. I hope you will forgive me for keeping it from you, but you seemed to be happy with us, and I didn’t want to upset you by bringing any of it up. As time passed, I guess it just didn’t seem important anymore. Until a few weeks ago, you had never mentioned your past, never asked any questions. I guess I hoped you were so happy with us that you just wanted to forget the past. I believed you were just better off not knowing the truth. I guess that was selfish on my part. I’m so very sorry, Katie. I never meant for my silence to cause you such pain. Please forgive me, Katie. I love you so very much…We love you so much,” she said as she looked at my father who sat in the living room not sure what to do.
I wasn’t able to respond to her comments. I felt as if I was trying to wake up from the longest nightmare in history. I sat across from my parents in the living room of the house I grew up in; that is, at least from the age of ten. The walls and furniture held proof that I’d been there. There were pictures for every accomplishment, including awards day at school with me holding up my certificate; trophies from the sports teams I had participated in; and even
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