Leslie and she loves me. She has never once raised her hand to me and she would defend me if anyone else ever did. You are nothing to me anymore. You may have given me life, but you also made me wish for death on a regular basis over the past six years.” Karla says as soon as Diane hears the door close.
Karla is here. Oh no. They found her and told her what I did. I know she hates me, but I didn’t want her to see me like this. Diane says in her head. I was right to do this. This was the right choice for her. I am so happy that she has found someone to look after her properly. I love you, baby girl.
“When I was younger I knew nothing but love from Grams and Pops, but after they died love was something that only existed in the books I read. You used to talk down to me about reading, but that waste of time as you called it is why I am in the Advanced Program at school now. Speaking of school, you said that was a waste of time too, but I love it. I have friends now. We were never in one place long enough for me to make friends, and I couldn’t anyway because of the bruises, but now I have three really good friends.”
I hear tears in her voice and I want to reach out to her, but my body won’t obey me so I lay here and listen to her. She’s doing well. She’s stronger than I ever was. She’s going to grow up into a great woman.
“I came by to tell you goodbye so I could close the chapter of my life that had you in it, but now I’ve realized that I can’t close that chapter. Everything you did to me, or allowed others to do to me, molded me into the person I am now. No matter where I go or what I do I will always be your daughter. I will always have part of you with me. I will never love you the way a daughter should love her mother, but that isn’t my fault, it’s yours. You made me feel the way I do about you, but you also taught me something. You taught me how not to treat people. Despite everything you did to me I am not like you. I know how to love and how to accept things I cannot change. Thank you Diane, for making me strong, for making me self-reliant, for making me a better person than you ever were.”
I know I hurt you, my sweet girl. I know I was never the mother you needed. I am so glad you have a loving family now. You may never love me like a daughter should love her mother, but I will always love you. I failed you in so many ways, but you came through it a stronger person. I have been weak since that night so many years ago. I did try in the beginning, but I failed because I let my demons back in. I am so sorry for everything I put you through, my beautiful Karla Ann.
I hear her walking toward the door and try to reach for her. I didn’t want her to go. I selfishly want her to stay with me because I know that once she’s gone I will never hear her sweet voice again. I know I’ll never hear anything again. I hear her stop walking and my head fills with joy. I’ll hear her voice one more time.
“Goodbye, Diane.” Is all she says before I hear the door close behind her.
My sweet girl is gone and I no longer have any reason to hold on. I hear her “Goodbye” ringing in my head as the door opens again.
“She’s crying.” I hear a male voice say.
“What does that mean?” A female voice says and I wonder the same thing.
“It means she can hear us and whatever her daughter said to her made her cry.”
“Does that mean she’s going to live?”
“No!” I shout at them. I am not going to live. I don’t want to live.
I feel everything starting to fade and I play Karla’s last words to me over and over in my head. My girl is strong. My girl is brave. My girl is better off without me.
At least I know she will be well taken care of. Even without the last surprise from me, she will be taken care of.
I hear a small beeping in the distance and I hear feet running.
“We’re losing her.”
I smile to myself
Karla is here. Oh no. They found her and told her what I did. I know she hates me, but I didn’t want her to see me like this. Diane says in her head. I was right to do this. This was the right choice for her. I am so happy that she has found someone to look after her properly. I love you, baby girl.
“When I was younger I knew nothing but love from Grams and Pops, but after they died love was something that only existed in the books I read. You used to talk down to me about reading, but that waste of time as you called it is why I am in the Advanced Program at school now. Speaking of school, you said that was a waste of time too, but I love it. I have friends now. We were never in one place long enough for me to make friends, and I couldn’t anyway because of the bruises, but now I have three really good friends.”
I hear tears in her voice and I want to reach out to her, but my body won’t obey me so I lay here and listen to her. She’s doing well. She’s stronger than I ever was. She’s going to grow up into a great woman.
“I came by to tell you goodbye so I could close the chapter of my life that had you in it, but now I’ve realized that I can’t close that chapter. Everything you did to me, or allowed others to do to me, molded me into the person I am now. No matter where I go or what I do I will always be your daughter. I will always have part of you with me. I will never love you the way a daughter should love her mother, but that isn’t my fault, it’s yours. You made me feel the way I do about you, but you also taught me something. You taught me how not to treat people. Despite everything you did to me I am not like you. I know how to love and how to accept things I cannot change. Thank you Diane, for making me strong, for making me self-reliant, for making me a better person than you ever were.”
I know I hurt you, my sweet girl. I know I was never the mother you needed. I am so glad you have a loving family now. You may never love me like a daughter should love her mother, but I will always love you. I failed you in so many ways, but you came through it a stronger person. I have been weak since that night so many years ago. I did try in the beginning, but I failed because I let my demons back in. I am so sorry for everything I put you through, my beautiful Karla Ann.
I hear her walking toward the door and try to reach for her. I didn’t want her to go. I selfishly want her to stay with me because I know that once she’s gone I will never hear her sweet voice again. I know I’ll never hear anything again. I hear her stop walking and my head fills with joy. I’ll hear her voice one more time.
“Goodbye, Diane.” Is all she says before I hear the door close behind her.
My sweet girl is gone and I no longer have any reason to hold on. I hear her “Goodbye” ringing in my head as the door opens again.
“She’s crying.” I hear a male voice say.
“What does that mean?” A female voice says and I wonder the same thing.
“It means she can hear us and whatever her daughter said to her made her cry.”
“Does that mean she’s going to live?”
“No!” I shout at them. I am not going to live. I don’t want to live.
I feel everything starting to fade and I play Karla’s last words to me over and over in my head. My girl is strong. My girl is brave. My girl is better off without me.
At least I know she will be well taken care of. Even without the last surprise from me, she will be taken care of.
I hear a small beeping in the distance and I hear feet running.
“We’re losing her.”
I smile to myself
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