Diving In (Open Door Love Story) by Stacey Wallace Benefiel

his left index finger hooked over the top of my shirt, pulling it down to reveal the swell of my breasts. His mouth follows the path of his fingertip, exploring.
    “Uh huh,” I manage.
    “First thing?” Gabe repeats. “I don’t like the idea that I’m helping you be a cheater.”
    “And yet, here we are, huddled up in your chair in the back of your van, making out.”
    Gabe draws in a deep breath and stops his ministrations, leaning his forehead against mine. “Because you’re going to tell him tonight and then you can be mine, freely. Publicly.”
    “I’ll tell him and hopefully he won’t do something stupid like get my mom to try and help win me back.”
    “Your mom really likes him, huh?”
    I kiss Gabe hard on the mouth. “She likes the idea of him, the same way she liked the idea of Liam’s ex-girlfriend Ariana. My mom has no interest in what really makes her kids happy, she’s only concerned with how things appear.”
    He sighs. “And she thinks I appear to be a reckless and broken person, then?”
    “I think you appear to be a hottie,” I say, taking one of his hands in mine, forcing the fingers to straighten a bit before putting it on my boob. “And my opinion is the one that should really matter.”
    Gabe looks down at his hand. “You know we can’t have a rational, serious discussion when I’m holding your boob.” He smiles, like he’s got my number. I suppose he does.
    “Precisely. Now, do that happy thing you do with your thumbnail because it might be a few days before we get to see each other.”
    He does the thing and I moan a little, watching his eyes light up. The satisfaction he gets from making me feel good turns me on even more, which gives him more satisfaction and pushes him to find new creative ways to get me off.
    It’s the most awesome vicious cycle ever.
    And we haven’t even done it yet. Partly because it’s only been six days since I took the plunge and kissed him like I’d been wanting to, partly because he wears a catheter and we both aren’t ready to totally go there yet. But, if the making out is any indication of what the sex is going to be like, Gabe is more than worth the wait.
    I’ve sort of pushed Andy to the back of my mind, not wanting to deal with the feelings I have or had for him. There is some guilt, but also relief in knowing that the way I want Gabe is on a whole other level from how I ever wanted Andy. I’m not closed off, I’m not asexual, I just hadn’t found the right person yet. Which, considering I’m only nineteen, I feel pretty lucky to have discovered him. If I hadn’t met Gabe, who knows what would’ve happened? Would I have married Andy and settled in for a just fine life?
    That’s what my parents did – I think my mom found the first good looking guy who didn’t mind that she was a horrible person and thought, “This will be just fine,” and hitched him to her wagon.
    No wonder they were so miserable! But Liam and me, somehow we’d both managed to find someone who made us feel more than just fine. Someone who ignited us and who we ignited in return. After our first wonderful kiss, Gabe couldn’t stop talking about how great it felt to be in the water and we’ve been in the pool three times since. He’s getting something he loves back, something he’d almost made peace with losing without knowing what he was denying himself. That he was denying himself.
    The secret between us? I’ve decided it’s my burden to bear. It will only make him sad and surely set him back. What’s the point? I can hold onto it. I’ve been its keeper for such a long time, it hardly affects me anymore.
    The alarm on my phone goes off, dragging me back to reality. My lunch break is over and I probably won’t see Gabe again until tomorrow night at the earliest.
    He looks at me with sad eyes and sticks his bottom lip out in a pout.
    “Everything will be fine, I promise,” I say, poking at his lip with my index finger. “Now, kiss me