is terrified of its deflated carcass.
Jaime and I make up a cool laugh, and we both use it instead of our real laughs. One day, I say it sounds stupid and I stop doing it. She keeps using it. I’m upset that she didn’t copy me and jealous that she still gets to use the laugh. I roll my eyes whenever she uses it. She never stops.
Our uncle teaches us how to pray. We think it’s funny. We go to his bedroom and ask him to pray with us. When he isn’t home, we read his sexist and racist joke books.
1993
Becca and I try to tell Adri about sex but she keeps saying ‘six.’
Adri hates the skin of apples, so she lets me bite the skin off of her apples before she eats them. When she isn’t looking, I take deep bites, but she usually notices. I think it’s unfair that I don’t get to eat the sweet part, but I don’t ask for my own apples.
Becca and Joe move to Oregon.
I move to Washington. My mom says I can see Becca and Joe a lot again, but it doesn’t really happen.
Becca and Joe’s parents come to visit without Becca and Joe. I’m really irritated by this. I ask my aunt to play a game and she says she will. When she’s in the bathroom I ask my uncle if she is really going to play and he tells me not to hold my breath. I’d never heard this expression.
1994
I move back to Clearlake.
Adri, Jaime and I have sleep-overs. Erin doesn’t come because Joe isn’t there to play with.
I remember the pretend-you’re-sleeping joke and try it on Adri. I roll over in my fake sleep and she says she knows I’m not sleeping because I just moved. I fake wake up and drowsily ask what’s going on. She says she knows I wasn’t sleeping. I tell her, while rubbing my eyes, that people move around in their sleep all the time.
1995
I move to a neighboring town. Adri lives with my Nana and Papa, so I see her quite often when I visit them. I see Jaime occasionally, and Erin almost never.
I talk to Becca on the phone as often as I’m allowed.
My brother River is born on my birthday. Luckily we had my party the day before.
I develop an irrational fear for leaving the house without my mother. I have to be bribed to go to the fair with Adri and my aunt.
1996
Whenever Becca and Joe come down to visit, it takes me a while to remember how to talk to Becca. As soon as something funny happens, we laugh together and I remember how easy it is to talk to her and how much fun she is.
I see Erin for the first time in over a year. We’re both at our Nana and Papa’s house, and there are no other cousins. I want to talk to him, but I forget what we used to talk about. We entertain ourselves separately. Nana asks us to paint part of the porch railing. We talk and laugh together while we paint, and I remember how much I like him.
1997
Everyone goes to Nana and Papa’s for Thanksgiving. Erin asks me and Becca if we want to smoke pot with him. We laugh and ignore him for the rest of the day. Our uncle is constantly mooning someone.
1998
Becca moves in with me. We share a room. I am jealous of the attention my mom gives her. I accuse her of using my razor blades to shave her legs. She moves back to Oregon.
1999
Becca moves in with our Nana and Papa. She goes to middle school with Jaime and Erin. She tells me Jaime likes to embarrass her in front of other kids.
2000
I move close to Erin and Jaime. I am the new girl at their small high school. Everyone calls me ‘Erin’s cousin.’ I don’t talk to him. I get the feeling he avoids me during breaks. His girlfriend is in my English class and I think she’s cool. Someone tells me that before he dumped her, he got in one last fuck.
I move to a new town and change schools.
2001
Becca loses her virginity and tells her mom. Soon the whole family knows. I am too embarrassed to ask her about it.
2002
I move in with my Nana and Papa.
Becca moves in with my Nana and Papa and we share a room and go to high school together. It’s exciting at first, but I begin to think she gets in
Jaime and I make up a cool laugh, and we both use it instead of our real laughs. One day, I say it sounds stupid and I stop doing it. She keeps using it. I’m upset that she didn’t copy me and jealous that she still gets to use the laugh. I roll my eyes whenever she uses it. She never stops.
Our uncle teaches us how to pray. We think it’s funny. We go to his bedroom and ask him to pray with us. When he isn’t home, we read his sexist and racist joke books.
1993
Becca and I try to tell Adri about sex but she keeps saying ‘six.’
Adri hates the skin of apples, so she lets me bite the skin off of her apples before she eats them. When she isn’t looking, I take deep bites, but she usually notices. I think it’s unfair that I don’t get to eat the sweet part, but I don’t ask for my own apples.
Becca and Joe move to Oregon.
I move to Washington. My mom says I can see Becca and Joe a lot again, but it doesn’t really happen.
Becca and Joe’s parents come to visit without Becca and Joe. I’m really irritated by this. I ask my aunt to play a game and she says she will. When she’s in the bathroom I ask my uncle if she is really going to play and he tells me not to hold my breath. I’d never heard this expression.
1994
I move back to Clearlake.
Adri, Jaime and I have sleep-overs. Erin doesn’t come because Joe isn’t there to play with.
I remember the pretend-you’re-sleeping joke and try it on Adri. I roll over in my fake sleep and she says she knows I’m not sleeping because I just moved. I fake wake up and drowsily ask what’s going on. She says she knows I wasn’t sleeping. I tell her, while rubbing my eyes, that people move around in their sleep all the time.
1995
I move to a neighboring town. Adri lives with my Nana and Papa, so I see her quite often when I visit them. I see Jaime occasionally, and Erin almost never.
I talk to Becca on the phone as often as I’m allowed.
My brother River is born on my birthday. Luckily we had my party the day before.
I develop an irrational fear for leaving the house without my mother. I have to be bribed to go to the fair with Adri and my aunt.
1996
Whenever Becca and Joe come down to visit, it takes me a while to remember how to talk to Becca. As soon as something funny happens, we laugh together and I remember how easy it is to talk to her and how much fun she is.
I see Erin for the first time in over a year. We’re both at our Nana and Papa’s house, and there are no other cousins. I want to talk to him, but I forget what we used to talk about. We entertain ourselves separately. Nana asks us to paint part of the porch railing. We talk and laugh together while we paint, and I remember how much I like him.
1997
Everyone goes to Nana and Papa’s for Thanksgiving. Erin asks me and Becca if we want to smoke pot with him. We laugh and ignore him for the rest of the day. Our uncle is constantly mooning someone.
1998
Becca moves in with me. We share a room. I am jealous of the attention my mom gives her. I accuse her of using my razor blades to shave her legs. She moves back to Oregon.
1999
Becca moves in with our Nana and Papa. She goes to middle school with Jaime and Erin. She tells me Jaime likes to embarrass her in front of other kids.
2000
I move close to Erin and Jaime. I am the new girl at their small high school. Everyone calls me ‘Erin’s cousin.’ I don’t talk to him. I get the feeling he avoids me during breaks. His girlfriend is in my English class and I think she’s cool. Someone tells me that before he dumped her, he got in one last fuck.
I move to a new town and change schools.
2001
Becca loses her virginity and tells her mom. Soon the whole family knows. I am too embarrassed to ask her about it.
2002
I move in with my Nana and Papa.
Becca moves in with my Nana and Papa and we share a room and go to high school together. It’s exciting at first, but I begin to think she gets in
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