went back to finish cleaning up, only to find that some embers she had dumped in a bucket had melted through and set part of the carpet on fire. FML
Today after class I was chatting with my teacher, a really cool and stylish old black guy. I told him that he reminds me of one of those soul dudes from the ’70s movies, right down to the “pimp-walk.” He told me he walks that way because he was beaten for drinking out of the wrong fountain as a kid. FML
Today I was over at my boyfriend’s house, and I heard a strange sound. I laughed and said, “It sounds like a dog throwing up!” He listened for a second and said, “That’s my mom crying downstairs.” FML
Today I asked a very cute fireman for his number “just in case I need you to come to my rescue.” He told me, “Yeah, sure!” and scribbled it down. After he walked away, I read his note. It said: “911.” FML
Today I was walking to a meeting and saw two girls trying to jump-start a car in the rain. Thinking I’d be a gentleman and help them, I offered to assist. The girl whose car had broken down looked at me, then looked at her friend with concern and said, “I think we’d better call the police.” FML
Today I was at work, about to go to lunch. There were some Girl Scouts out front selling cookies. I told my manager that I would be using a different exit. When he asked why, I told him that Girl Scouts really annoy the crap out of me. The Girl Scouts out front were his daughters. FML
Today I was at the school’s rec center, working out for the first time in a while. As I exercised, a very mysteriously attractive girl kept shooting me glances. I asked for her number, and she responded that she would give it to me “if you can lift the same weight as me.” I couldn’t. FML
Today the history class for which I am the teaching assistant was taking a test. About halfway through, I noticed one kid had a small piece of paper in his hand. I ran up the row, grabbed his test, and ripped it into four pieces. Then I looked at the note. It read: “I believe in you. —Mom.” FML
Today a stoplight turned yellow as I was approaching it. I was about to go through, but I saw a cop, panicked, and slammed on the brakes. I ended up in the middle of the intersection and had to reverse. Soon the light turned green, and I stepped on the gas. My car was still in reverse. FML
Today I saw my ex-girlfriend across the street. I was walking with a girl whom I’d been hooking up with, and I wanted to make my ex-girlfriend jealous so I kissed the other girl and she immediately smacked me. I got a “ha-ha!” text from my ex. FML
Today I babysat a five-year-old girl. She ran up to me, threw her arms around my waist, and said, “Yummy! I’m going to eat you!” with her face in my crotch. I said sarcastically under my breath, “Finally, some action!” I turned around to find her dad staring at me. FML
Today, during my choral concert, I was helping to turn the pages for the pianist who was accompanying the singers. In the middle of the song, one of the pages slipped and fell into his crotch. In a panic, I frantically reached to grab the music. I grabbed something. It wasn’t the music. FML
Today, when I was out walking, a man pointed a camera at me. I decided to be bitchy about it, so I said, “Did I say you could take a picture?” He replied, “No, but can you get the fuck out of the way so I can take one of my wife and kids?” I turned around. They were right behind me. FML
Today my parents left for work before I had to leave for school, and I decided to skip. I stayed by the phone, expecting the school to call so I could pose as my parent and excuse my absence. The phone rang and I picked up. It was my mom calling to leave my dad a message on the machine. FML
Today I forgot to do my French homework, but since it was an online worksheet I told my teacher that my Internet service wasn’t working. I told her via email. FML
Today I was babysitting a
Today after class I was chatting with my teacher, a really cool and stylish old black guy. I told him that he reminds me of one of those soul dudes from the ’70s movies, right down to the “pimp-walk.” He told me he walks that way because he was beaten for drinking out of the wrong fountain as a kid. FML
Today I was over at my boyfriend’s house, and I heard a strange sound. I laughed and said, “It sounds like a dog throwing up!” He listened for a second and said, “That’s my mom crying downstairs.” FML
Today I asked a very cute fireman for his number “just in case I need you to come to my rescue.” He told me, “Yeah, sure!” and scribbled it down. After he walked away, I read his note. It said: “911.” FML
Today I was walking to a meeting and saw two girls trying to jump-start a car in the rain. Thinking I’d be a gentleman and help them, I offered to assist. The girl whose car had broken down looked at me, then looked at her friend with concern and said, “I think we’d better call the police.” FML
Today I was at work, about to go to lunch. There were some Girl Scouts out front selling cookies. I told my manager that I would be using a different exit. When he asked why, I told him that Girl Scouts really annoy the crap out of me. The Girl Scouts out front were his daughters. FML
Today I was at the school’s rec center, working out for the first time in a while. As I exercised, a very mysteriously attractive girl kept shooting me glances. I asked for her number, and she responded that she would give it to me “if you can lift the same weight as me.” I couldn’t. FML
Today the history class for which I am the teaching assistant was taking a test. About halfway through, I noticed one kid had a small piece of paper in his hand. I ran up the row, grabbed his test, and ripped it into four pieces. Then I looked at the note. It read: “I believe in you. —Mom.” FML
Today a stoplight turned yellow as I was approaching it. I was about to go through, but I saw a cop, panicked, and slammed on the brakes. I ended up in the middle of the intersection and had to reverse. Soon the light turned green, and I stepped on the gas. My car was still in reverse. FML
Today I saw my ex-girlfriend across the street. I was walking with a girl whom I’d been hooking up with, and I wanted to make my ex-girlfriend jealous so I kissed the other girl and she immediately smacked me. I got a “ha-ha!” text from my ex. FML
Today I babysat a five-year-old girl. She ran up to me, threw her arms around my waist, and said, “Yummy! I’m going to eat you!” with her face in my crotch. I said sarcastically under my breath, “Finally, some action!” I turned around to find her dad staring at me. FML
Today, during my choral concert, I was helping to turn the pages for the pianist who was accompanying the singers. In the middle of the song, one of the pages slipped and fell into his crotch. In a panic, I frantically reached to grab the music. I grabbed something. It wasn’t the music. FML
Today, when I was out walking, a man pointed a camera at me. I decided to be bitchy about it, so I said, “Did I say you could take a picture?” He replied, “No, but can you get the fuck out of the way so I can take one of my wife and kids?” I turned around. They were right behind me. FML
Today my parents left for work before I had to leave for school, and I decided to skip. I stayed by the phone, expecting the school to call so I could pose as my parent and excuse my absence. The phone rang and I picked up. It was my mom calling to leave my dad a message on the machine. FML
Today I forgot to do my French homework, but since it was an online worksheet I told my teacher that my Internet service wasn’t working. I told her via email. FML
Today I was babysitting a
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