later that my headphones weren’t plugged in all the way. Everyone sitting near me heard Joe Jonas’s voice. I am forty years old. FML
Today I saw my friend across campus. I decided that I wanted to play a trick on her and scare her from behind. It turned out that I scared a complete stranger who has really bad panic-induced asthma. FML.
Today I kneeled down to tie my shoe and sneezed, nailing my face on my knee and breaking my nose. FML
Today I studied for thirteen and a half hours, completely outlining a book for history class. Thirty minutes before the test, I realized it was the wrong book. FML
Today my five-year-old nephew showed me green Martians he had made with his new Play-Doh set. I smiled and said, “Wow! Now, how about some blue Martians?” He looked at me and replied, “How about some blue shut the fuck up?” FML
Today I was secretly listening to a voice mail from my mom in math class, when I accidentally hit the speakerphone button. My whole math class now knows that I have a gynecologist appointment at 9:45 on March 11. FML
Today I saw an elderly man fall in a crosswalk, so I jumped off my bike to help. As I helped him across the street, the light turned green. At that point I noticed that my phone had fallen out of my pocket and had been run over by several cars. I then watched from across a six-lane street as someone stole my bike. FML
Today I got into a fight with one of my closest friends. She ended the conversation by saying, “My grandma just had a stroke. Bye.” I didn’t believe her, so I replied, “That’s great! Bye.” Her grandma is in critical condition. FML
Today in class my friend played a joke on me by pulling my seat out from under me when I was about to sit down. I fell, and everybody laughed at me. During the next class I did the same thing to him, and he broke his arm. He is the star of the basketball team. Nobody laughed. FML
Today I drunk-dialed my mom and told her I was so high and drunk that I thought the KGB was coming after me. When I woke up this morning, my mom told me that she is no longer paying for college. FML
Today I called the florist and ordered a flower arrangement for my grandma, who, I had been told, was sick. I didn’t know what to get her, so I told them to just send her something nice. I got a call from my mom, who told me I was an inconsiderate bastard. The florist had sent my grandma forget-me-nots. She has Alzheimer’s disease. FML
Today I went to the store to buy some condoms for my girlfriend and me. I was in a rush, and when I looked at the cashier, I realized it was my girlfriend’s father. Nervous and hoping to reassure him, I stuttered, “Don’t worry, I’m not using these with Kim.” That didn’t help. FML
Today I sent notes to three hundred friends saying that I’m having a birthday party in a couple weeks. I asked them to RSVP if they were interested in coming. Two people answered. They couldn’t make it. FML
Today I decided to try a new cardio workout video. As I was obnoxiously bouncing around my room, I heard something behind me. Three adolescent boys were outside my window, watching. FML
Today I visited my brother in jail for the first time. I didn’t know what to say, so I blurted out “Having fun?” FML
Today I had the cops called on me because I accidentally texted “I’m going to kill you and use your head as a hood ornament” to my ex-fiancé instead of to my best friend, who had gotten a better grade on an exam than I did. I now have a court date. FML
Today I was in an elevator with my girlfriend, when it got stuck midfloor. Being supportive, I went to hug her and tell her we’d be okay. Today I also learned that my girlfriend is claustrophobic and her predominant reaction is to vomit. All over me. We were stuck for two hours. FML
Today my girlfriend tried to clean out the fireplace with a vacuum cleaner, and she sucked up a bunch of embers, which set the vacuum cleaner on fire. After crying for a bit, she
Today I saw my friend across campus. I decided that I wanted to play a trick on her and scare her from behind. It turned out that I scared a complete stranger who has really bad panic-induced asthma. FML.
Today I kneeled down to tie my shoe and sneezed, nailing my face on my knee and breaking my nose. FML
Today I studied for thirteen and a half hours, completely outlining a book for history class. Thirty minutes before the test, I realized it was the wrong book. FML
Today my five-year-old nephew showed me green Martians he had made with his new Play-Doh set. I smiled and said, “Wow! Now, how about some blue Martians?” He looked at me and replied, “How about some blue shut the fuck up?” FML
Today I was secretly listening to a voice mail from my mom in math class, when I accidentally hit the speakerphone button. My whole math class now knows that I have a gynecologist appointment at 9:45 on March 11. FML
Today I saw an elderly man fall in a crosswalk, so I jumped off my bike to help. As I helped him across the street, the light turned green. At that point I noticed that my phone had fallen out of my pocket and had been run over by several cars. I then watched from across a six-lane street as someone stole my bike. FML
Today I got into a fight with one of my closest friends. She ended the conversation by saying, “My grandma just had a stroke. Bye.” I didn’t believe her, so I replied, “That’s great! Bye.” Her grandma is in critical condition. FML
Today in class my friend played a joke on me by pulling my seat out from under me when I was about to sit down. I fell, and everybody laughed at me. During the next class I did the same thing to him, and he broke his arm. He is the star of the basketball team. Nobody laughed. FML
Today I drunk-dialed my mom and told her I was so high and drunk that I thought the KGB was coming after me. When I woke up this morning, my mom told me that she is no longer paying for college. FML
Today I called the florist and ordered a flower arrangement for my grandma, who, I had been told, was sick. I didn’t know what to get her, so I told them to just send her something nice. I got a call from my mom, who told me I was an inconsiderate bastard. The florist had sent my grandma forget-me-nots. She has Alzheimer’s disease. FML
Today I went to the store to buy some condoms for my girlfriend and me. I was in a rush, and when I looked at the cashier, I realized it was my girlfriend’s father. Nervous and hoping to reassure him, I stuttered, “Don’t worry, I’m not using these with Kim.” That didn’t help. FML
Today I sent notes to three hundred friends saying that I’m having a birthday party in a couple weeks. I asked them to RSVP if they were interested in coming. Two people answered. They couldn’t make it. FML
Today I decided to try a new cardio workout video. As I was obnoxiously bouncing around my room, I heard something behind me. Three adolescent boys were outside my window, watching. FML
Today I visited my brother in jail for the first time. I didn’t know what to say, so I blurted out “Having fun?” FML
Today I had the cops called on me because I accidentally texted “I’m going to kill you and use your head as a hood ornament” to my ex-fiancé instead of to my best friend, who had gotten a better grade on an exam than I did. I now have a court date. FML
Today I was in an elevator with my girlfriend, when it got stuck midfloor. Being supportive, I went to hug her and tell her we’d be okay. Today I also learned that my girlfriend is claustrophobic and her predominant reaction is to vomit. All over me. We were stuck for two hours. FML
Today my girlfriend tried to clean out the fireplace with a vacuum cleaner, and she sucked up a bunch of embers, which set the vacuum cleaner on fire. After crying for a bit, she
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