one-year-old. She had just learned how to say yes, so if you asked her
anything,
she’d say yes. I asked her if she liked vegetables, and she said, “Yes!” Then I asked her if I was pretty…. She looked at me and said
“No!”
FML
Today I took my girlfriend to a very nice restaurant. I thought it would be a good place to pop the question. I gave the ring to the waiter and asked him to put it on her dessert plate. When she saw it, she picked it up, put it down, and said, “No.” Then she ate the dessert. FML
Today I met a really attractive guy, who introduced himself as Wyan. He was really cool and sweet, and we got along pretty well. Later someone told me that his name is Ryan and that he has a speech impediment. Throughout the conversation I had been referring to him as Wyan. FML
Today a guy I’ve been on five dates with called me for the first time in two weeks. The first thing I said was, “Don’t expect me to go out with you again after going AWOL on me.” Then he told me his mom had died. FML
Today I went to the movies with some girlfriends. The guy behind us was making pervy heavy-breathing noises, so we threw some popcorn at him. When the lights came up, we saw he was in a wheelchair—with a breathing tube sticking out of his neck. FML
Today I was walking down the street and saw a $20 bill on the ground. I thought it had fallen out of the pocket of the man in front of me, so I decided to do the right thing and ask him if he had dropped it. He said yes and took it. I later realized the $20 was mine. FML
Today I was singing Alicia Keys songs in the shower and hitting the insanely high notes. My father ran into the bathroom and threw open the shower door, shouting. He thought I was wailing in pain. FML
Today I had to run to catch my train, so I didn’t get the chance to buy a ticket first. When the conductor was in sight, I noticed that he was a young man, so I opened my top a little, in the hope that I wouldn’t have to pay. When I told him I hadn’t bought a ticket, he said, “Close your top, I’m gay.” FML
Today I got my first tattoo. It was a surprise for my fiancé: our names together over a heart. I went home, but before I could show him, he said we had to have a “talk.” Now my ex’s name is tattooed on my back. The kicker? I’m allergic to the ink. FML
Today I walked into my house to find everyone sitting around the table looking sad. I thought it would be a good time to crack a joke, so I said, “What’s wrong? Grandma finally die?” She did. FML
Today, while I was out to lunch, my sister called me and asked me to pick her up from the mall. I told her she’d have to wait. She got pissed off and started cursing at me, so I hung up on her. She called me back thirty-seven times, so I finally answered and yelled, “WILL YOU LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE?” It was my boss. FML
Today I was supposed to look at an apartment. Thirty minutes after the time I was to meet the owner, she still hadn’t shown up. I called her. When I got no response, I was annoyed and kept calling and calling, ready to scream at her. Finally she answered: “I’m in the hospital with my father. He just died. Please stop calling me.” FML
Today my mother told me she didn’t want my girlfriend spending the night anymore. I asked why, and she said she had heard us doing the nasty the night before. I denied it, hoping I could call her bluff. She paused for a moment and proceeded to moan exactly like my girlfriend. FML
Today I went for a walk with the guy I like. He held my hand, so I decided to tell him that I had feelings for him. He said that he had feelings for me, too. I smiled and leaned in to kiss him. He put his hand on my face and pushed it away, and said, “Until your acne clears, we are
not
together.” FML
Today we watched a movie in class. Afterward, the professor asked us what we thought. I raised my hand and said it was pretentious, dull, and a really poor example of filmmaking. It was the
anything,
she’d say yes. I asked her if she liked vegetables, and she said, “Yes!” Then I asked her if I was pretty…. She looked at me and said
“No!”
FML
Today I took my girlfriend to a very nice restaurant. I thought it would be a good place to pop the question. I gave the ring to the waiter and asked him to put it on her dessert plate. When she saw it, she picked it up, put it down, and said, “No.” Then she ate the dessert. FML
Today I met a really attractive guy, who introduced himself as Wyan. He was really cool and sweet, and we got along pretty well. Later someone told me that his name is Ryan and that he has a speech impediment. Throughout the conversation I had been referring to him as Wyan. FML
Today a guy I’ve been on five dates with called me for the first time in two weeks. The first thing I said was, “Don’t expect me to go out with you again after going AWOL on me.” Then he told me his mom had died. FML
Today I went to the movies with some girlfriends. The guy behind us was making pervy heavy-breathing noises, so we threw some popcorn at him. When the lights came up, we saw he was in a wheelchair—with a breathing tube sticking out of his neck. FML
Today I was walking down the street and saw a $20 bill on the ground. I thought it had fallen out of the pocket of the man in front of me, so I decided to do the right thing and ask him if he had dropped it. He said yes and took it. I later realized the $20 was mine. FML
Today I was singing Alicia Keys songs in the shower and hitting the insanely high notes. My father ran into the bathroom and threw open the shower door, shouting. He thought I was wailing in pain. FML
Today I had to run to catch my train, so I didn’t get the chance to buy a ticket first. When the conductor was in sight, I noticed that he was a young man, so I opened my top a little, in the hope that I wouldn’t have to pay. When I told him I hadn’t bought a ticket, he said, “Close your top, I’m gay.” FML
Today I got my first tattoo. It was a surprise for my fiancé: our names together over a heart. I went home, but before I could show him, he said we had to have a “talk.” Now my ex’s name is tattooed on my back. The kicker? I’m allergic to the ink. FML
Today I walked into my house to find everyone sitting around the table looking sad. I thought it would be a good time to crack a joke, so I said, “What’s wrong? Grandma finally die?” She did. FML
Today, while I was out to lunch, my sister called me and asked me to pick her up from the mall. I told her she’d have to wait. She got pissed off and started cursing at me, so I hung up on her. She called me back thirty-seven times, so I finally answered and yelled, “WILL YOU LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE?” It was my boss. FML
Today I was supposed to look at an apartment. Thirty minutes after the time I was to meet the owner, she still hadn’t shown up. I called her. When I got no response, I was annoyed and kept calling and calling, ready to scream at her. Finally she answered: “I’m in the hospital with my father. He just died. Please stop calling me.” FML
Today my mother told me she didn’t want my girlfriend spending the night anymore. I asked why, and she said she had heard us doing the nasty the night before. I denied it, hoping I could call her bluff. She paused for a moment and proceeded to moan exactly like my girlfriend. FML
Today I went for a walk with the guy I like. He held my hand, so I decided to tell him that I had feelings for him. He said that he had feelings for me, too. I smiled and leaned in to kiss him. He put his hand on my face and pushed it away, and said, “Until your acne clears, we are
not
together.” FML
Today we watched a movie in class. Afterward, the professor asked us what we thought. I raised my hand and said it was pretentious, dull, and a really poor example of filmmaking. It was the
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