Fallout by Ellen Hopkins

berating him.
    But words don’t
make sense
seem wise
matter anyway.
    I want to keep thinking he’s the enemy.
    But suddenly he’s
just a man
not a monster
no longer a stranger.
My father.

THE BUZZ QUIETS
    Blood pressure drops.
    Anger dissipates, ghostlike.
    But I’m still just this side
    of wasted drunk. Enough
    for me to open my mouth
    and say, “Did you know
    Kristina got pregnant that
    night?” I think surprise
should surface in his eyes.
Instead he says, Actually, yes.
She sort of blackmailed
me into abortion money.
    A half laugh stutters out.
    “You still don’t get it, do you?
    I’m that baby. And you, quite
    probably, are my biological father.”

HIS JAW PLUMMETS
    And that alone is almost worth
    every emotion I’ve lately
    sorted through. “Really.
    I mean, hello. Have you
    not noticed a resemblance?
    Did it not cross your mind?”
His eyes—my eyes—scan
my face. It never occurred—
I mean, I saw her mom with a baby ,
once. You, I guess. But I thought he—
you—she said—Oh my God.
Why didn’t anyone ever tell me?
    “Why? What would you
    have done? Married her and
    played house for a while?
    Look, I don’t expect anything
    from you. My grandparents
    adopted me, gave me a great
    childhood. Better than you
    or Kristina ever could have.
    I just thought you ought to know.”

OUR EYES LOCK
    Green-marbled gray
    to green-marbled gray.
    But really, there’s not
    a whole lot more to say,
    except, “Why did you
    come back here?”
He shrugs. This is home.
My mom died two
years ago, but my dad
still lives in Fernley.
Blood is thick, you know?
He chokes on the sentence.
    I have a grandfather
    in Fernley. Maybe we’ll
    meet one day. Maybe he
    listens to me on the radio.
    Oh. He’s old. Probably
    not exactly an X listener.
Brendan gets to his feet,
and I notice that Montana
and Nikki are standing
a respectful distance away.
Uh, look. This is kind of
a lot to absorb and …
    I stand too. “Like I said,
    I don’t expect anything
    at all from you. So no
    worries about blood tests.
    I’m an adult, and I can
    take care of myself.”
We start toward the girls.
Montana looks wary.
Guess I have to tell
the story twice, huh?
Oh, well. Relationships
shouldn’t have secrets.
    Suddenly I notice
    Nikki’s stance. She’s
    pissed. Maybe even
    more than pissed.
    Because of what just
    happened? It’s all good.

EXCEPT IT’S NOT
    Brendan shakes my hand,
takes Montana’s arm, and they
    return to the party. I reach for
Nikki, but she yanks away.
She hands me my jacket,
which I left on a chair,
holds out my cell phone
between two fingers,
like it’s poison. Heard it
ring and thought it might
be important. By the time
I dug it out of your jacket
it had gone to voice mail.
Her own voice crackles.
Sorry, but I went ahead and
picked up the message.
She straightens, squares
her shoulders, and I know
I’m in trouble. It was from
some girl named Leah….

Autumn
ONE DAY
    Until the wedding. One week
    until Christmas, such as it will be.
    School just let out for vacation.
    And there’s so much to do.
    Shopping. Manicure. Rehearsal
    dinner tonight. More shopping.
    Hair appointment. Studio
    portrait. More shopping.
    I wish I could be excited
    about it. But all I want to do
    is hole up in my room with a little
    borrowed liquor and think
    about ways to be with Bryce.
    It wasn’t so hard when school
    was still in. But this week
    will offer many challenges
    as far as spending time
    together. Sneaking out
    when Grandfather passes
    out is the only way I know.

PILFERING BOOZE
    Sneaking out.
Hooking up with
Bryce for sex.
    I can’t believe this
is me I’m talking
about. It’s like I’m
    on a runaway train.
I want to jump off
but it’s not slowing
    down and taking
that leap would
kill me for sure.
    And the wonderful
irony is I used to
think about dying.
    Maybe even by my
own hand, if things
turned too, too bleak.
    But now I want to
live. Want to love.
Want to be loved.
    I have to keep on
riding this train
for that to