her jawline sharper. Her fingernails were bitten like mine, something she never did before, berating me for the bad habit that left my cuticles in a permanent state of ruin.
She had also developed a new habit in the days following our return, a habit of swiping and rubbing at her eyes, like there was something in them that bothered her. There was, she explained to me, a shape that lurked in the periphery of her vision. Like when you stare at a light and see its imprint on your retina after you look away. But this imprint wouldn’t fade.
I sat down opposite her and she asked me if I wanted a tea or coffee. I shook my head and looked over my shoulder. Erin and Rob had gone into the living room, giving us privacy. I wasn’t sure if that was a good sign or a bad one.
‘How’s it going?’ Laura asked. Without waiting for me to reply, she said, ‘You look ill.’
‘Thanks.’
She shrugged with one shoulder. ‘Sorry, but it’s true. I look ill too.’
‘No, you look . . . nice.’
Once upon a time, she would have laughed at that. ‘I don’t,’ she said in a flat tone. She stared into her tea, groped for more words. I hated this awkwardness between us. It wasn’t fair, wasn’t right. I wanted to grab her and stare into her eyes, say, ‘Laura, it’s me, Daniel. I’m still me. And you’re still you.’
But I didn’t do that. I didn’t say anything.
‘So,’ she said. ‘What’s happening with you? Are you w orking much?’
‘I’m thinking,’ I said.
She nodded, understanding. She had been struggling with work too.
‘So what did you want to tell me?’ I said.
She took a deep breath.
‘I’m moving,’ she said.
‘Moving? Where?’
She couldn’t meet my eye. ‘Perth.’
For a moment, I wasn’t sure if I’d heard correctly. ‘You’re moving to Scotland?’
She laughed, a flash of the old Laura appearing then vanishing again. ‘No. Perth in Australia.’
I floundered, mouth opening, closing then opening again. ‘ Australia ? ’
‘You know my aunt lives out there?’
I had a vague memory of her mentioning this once. ‘So you’re going travelling?’
‘No. Emigrating.’
I opened my mouth but she cut me off. ‘I’ve already been to see an independent consultant who’s helping me with the application, and she thinks I’ll get enough points to be able to go, especially with my aunt sponsoring me.’
It was like being punched in the head. ‘But . . . why?’
She looked at me. ‘Do you really need me to explain?’
‘Yes. I do.’
She hunched over the table, pushing her tea away. ‘I need a completely fresh start, far away.’
‘Well, you couldn’t get much further away.’
‘Exactly.’
‘You can’t go,’ I said, standing up.
‘Daniel, I’m only telling you out of . . .’
‘What? Politeness?’
The temperature in the kitchen had dropped several degrees. Laura frowned, her gaze fixed on the tabletop. ‘I just thought you should know.’
I took several deep breaths, counted to ten. ‘How long does it take? The application?’
‘A few months.’
‘ Months? ’ I had been hoping she’d say a year.
‘Please be understanding,’ she said. ‘You know how unhappy I am. I need to do something to change things, and this is the best idea I’ve got. A completely new start. For the first time since . . .’ She trailed off. ‘For the first time in ages, I feel excited about something. I actually feel something—something that isn’t dread, or regret, or fear.’
‘But it’s running away, Laura.’
‘No, it’s not.’
‘It is. Just like you ran away from me.’
‘Daniel, I’m not a child.’
An idea grabbed me and I scooted back into the chair opposite her, tried to grab her hand. ‘Let me come with you. I could emigrate too. I’ve always wanted to go to Australia.’
She looked like I’d just suggested we have sex on Erin and Rob’s kitchen table. ‘No. I need to do this alone.’
‘There’s
She had also developed a new habit in the days following our return, a habit of swiping and rubbing at her eyes, like there was something in them that bothered her. There was, she explained to me, a shape that lurked in the periphery of her vision. Like when you stare at a light and see its imprint on your retina after you look away. But this imprint wouldn’t fade.
I sat down opposite her and she asked me if I wanted a tea or coffee. I shook my head and looked over my shoulder. Erin and Rob had gone into the living room, giving us privacy. I wasn’t sure if that was a good sign or a bad one.
‘How’s it going?’ Laura asked. Without waiting for me to reply, she said, ‘You look ill.’
‘Thanks.’
She shrugged with one shoulder. ‘Sorry, but it’s true. I look ill too.’
‘No, you look . . . nice.’
Once upon a time, she would have laughed at that. ‘I don’t,’ she said in a flat tone. She stared into her tea, groped for more words. I hated this awkwardness between us. It wasn’t fair, wasn’t right. I wanted to grab her and stare into her eyes, say, ‘Laura, it’s me, Daniel. I’m still me. And you’re still you.’
But I didn’t do that. I didn’t say anything.
‘So,’ she said. ‘What’s happening with you? Are you w orking much?’
‘I’m thinking,’ I said.
She nodded, understanding. She had been struggling with work too.
‘So what did you want to tell me?’ I said.
She took a deep breath.
‘I’m moving,’ she said.
‘Moving? Where?’
She couldn’t meet my eye. ‘Perth.’
For a moment, I wasn’t sure if I’d heard correctly. ‘You’re moving to Scotland?’
She laughed, a flash of the old Laura appearing then vanishing again. ‘No. Perth in Australia.’
I floundered, mouth opening, closing then opening again. ‘ Australia ? ’
‘You know my aunt lives out there?’
I had a vague memory of her mentioning this once. ‘So you’re going travelling?’
‘No. Emigrating.’
I opened my mouth but she cut me off. ‘I’ve already been to see an independent consultant who’s helping me with the application, and she thinks I’ll get enough points to be able to go, especially with my aunt sponsoring me.’
It was like being punched in the head. ‘But . . . why?’
She looked at me. ‘Do you really need me to explain?’
‘Yes. I do.’
She hunched over the table, pushing her tea away. ‘I need a completely fresh start, far away.’
‘Well, you couldn’t get much further away.’
‘Exactly.’
‘You can’t go,’ I said, standing up.
‘Daniel, I’m only telling you out of . . .’
‘What? Politeness?’
The temperature in the kitchen had dropped several degrees. Laura frowned, her gaze fixed on the tabletop. ‘I just thought you should know.’
I took several deep breaths, counted to ten. ‘How long does it take? The application?’
‘A few months.’
‘ Months? ’ I had been hoping she’d say a year.
‘Please be understanding,’ she said. ‘You know how unhappy I am. I need to do something to change things, and this is the best idea I’ve got. A completely new start. For the first time since . . .’ She trailed off. ‘For the first time in ages, I feel excited about something. I actually feel something—something that isn’t dread, or regret, or fear.’
‘But it’s running away, Laura.’
‘No, it’s not.’
‘It is. Just like you ran away from me.’
‘Daniel, I’m not a child.’
An idea grabbed me and I scooted back into the chair opposite her, tried to grab her hand. ‘Let me come with you. I could emigrate too. I’ve always wanted to go to Australia.’
She looked like I’d just suggested we have sex on Erin and Rob’s kitchen table. ‘No. I need to do this alone.’
‘There’s
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