nothing to keep me here.’
‘Yes there is. Your work—’
‘Which I can do anywhere.’
‘And your family. Your mum. And, Daniel, the whole point is that I need a break. A complete break.’
My hand, which had been drumming the tabletop, fell still. ‘So it isn’t the UK that you want to be thousands of miles from. It’s me.’
She stood up. ‘If I’d known you were going to get aggressive . . .’
‘I’m not being aggressive!’
‘I thought you’d be understanding. You’re the only other person who knows what I went through.’
‘What we went through.’
She got up and crossed the kitchen to the sink, filled a glass of water and took a big gulp. ‘Please, I really don’t want to argue about it, Daniel.’
It was my turn to stand up. ‘Instead of running off to Australia, maybe you should do what I’m doing. Go to see a therapist.’
She almost dropped the glass. ‘You’re seeing a therapist?’
‘Yes. A woman called Dr Sauvage.’
‘And is it helping?’
‘I’m not sure yet.’
‘Have you . . . Have you told this woman exactly what happened ?’
‘Not all of it. No. She wants to hear about how I’m feeling now.’
She looked relieved. ‘I don’t want to see a therapist. I don’t want to talk about any of what happened. I want to forget it, if it’s at all possible for me to do so. That’s why I’m moving to a new country, starting a new life.’
At that moment, Erin came into the kitchen, pausing awkwardly in the doorway. Had she been listening to us? Had we raised our voices? Erin had both hands on her ripe belly, as if she were trying to protect her unborn son from listening to these arguing adults. I had an urge to tell the baby to stay in the womb, where he was safe, sheltered. It’s fucked up out here , I wanted to say. It’s fucked up and there are monsters. Don’t believe people when they tell you there’s no such thing.
‘Sorry, guys,’ Erin said. ‘I’m having a bit of a blood sugar crash and just need to get something to eat.’
Laura moved across the kitchen, pulled out a chair and ushered her friend into it. Seamlessly, she opened the fridge door and started pulling out fruit and cheese and meat wrapped in silver foil. ‘What are you craving?’
Erin sat down and grinned at me. ‘Don’t worry, I’m not about to eat a pineapple and mayonnaise jelly. Just a ham sandwich would be lovely, Laura. Thanks, sweetie.’
I watched as Laura made the sandwich, passing it to Erin. Even in the midst of her blood sugar crash, Erin radiated good health and vitality. Eight months pregnant. That could have been Laura now. But instead of being closer to me than ever, she was moving to the other side of the fucking world.
‘What do you think of Laura moving to Australia?’ I asked.
Erin took a bite of her sandwich and chewed before answering. ‘Of course I don’t want her to go.’ She shook her head. ‘I don’t understand any of this. What happened to you two? You seemed so happy. What did you do, Daniel? Laura won’t tell me.’
‘He didn’t do anything!’
‘But neither of you will tell me what blew you apart. Come on, Dan. You can tell me, can’t you? Did you sleep with someone else?’
Laura shot me a beseeching look. We will never speak about it , she had said on the way back from Romania. Promise me.
I promise.
I didn’t need to promise. I didn’t want to talk about it either. All I wanted was to forget. If I didn’t talk about it, I could pretend it had never happened. Any of it. That was the only way to cope.
‘He didn’t sleep with someone else,’ Laura said.
Erin sighed heavily. ‘All right. But I think the two of you need your heads knocking together.’ She waved her sandwich in Laura’s direction. ‘Have you told him what happened to you yesterday?’
‘No,’ Laura said quickly, eyes darting nervously.
‘What?’ I said.
Erin’s eyes were big and round. Her voice dropped to a whisper.
‘Yes there is. Your work—’
‘Which I can do anywhere.’
‘And your family. Your mum. And, Daniel, the whole point is that I need a break. A complete break.’
My hand, which had been drumming the tabletop, fell still. ‘So it isn’t the UK that you want to be thousands of miles from. It’s me.’
She stood up. ‘If I’d known you were going to get aggressive . . .’
‘I’m not being aggressive!’
‘I thought you’d be understanding. You’re the only other person who knows what I went through.’
‘What we went through.’
She got up and crossed the kitchen to the sink, filled a glass of water and took a big gulp. ‘Please, I really don’t want to argue about it, Daniel.’
It was my turn to stand up. ‘Instead of running off to Australia, maybe you should do what I’m doing. Go to see a therapist.’
She almost dropped the glass. ‘You’re seeing a therapist?’
‘Yes. A woman called Dr Sauvage.’
‘And is it helping?’
‘I’m not sure yet.’
‘Have you . . . Have you told this woman exactly what happened ?’
‘Not all of it. No. She wants to hear about how I’m feeling now.’
She looked relieved. ‘I don’t want to see a therapist. I don’t want to talk about any of what happened. I want to forget it, if it’s at all possible for me to do so. That’s why I’m moving to a new country, starting a new life.’
At that moment, Erin came into the kitchen, pausing awkwardly in the doorway. Had she been listening to us? Had we raised our voices? Erin had both hands on her ripe belly, as if she were trying to protect her unborn son from listening to these arguing adults. I had an urge to tell the baby to stay in the womb, where he was safe, sheltered. It’s fucked up out here , I wanted to say. It’s fucked up and there are monsters. Don’t believe people when they tell you there’s no such thing.
‘Sorry, guys,’ Erin said. ‘I’m having a bit of a blood sugar crash and just need to get something to eat.’
Laura moved across the kitchen, pulled out a chair and ushered her friend into it. Seamlessly, she opened the fridge door and started pulling out fruit and cheese and meat wrapped in silver foil. ‘What are you craving?’
Erin sat down and grinned at me. ‘Don’t worry, I’m not about to eat a pineapple and mayonnaise jelly. Just a ham sandwich would be lovely, Laura. Thanks, sweetie.’
I watched as Laura made the sandwich, passing it to Erin. Even in the midst of her blood sugar crash, Erin radiated good health and vitality. Eight months pregnant. That could have been Laura now. But instead of being closer to me than ever, she was moving to the other side of the fucking world.
‘What do you think of Laura moving to Australia?’ I asked.
Erin took a bite of her sandwich and chewed before answering. ‘Of course I don’t want her to go.’ She shook her head. ‘I don’t understand any of this. What happened to you two? You seemed so happy. What did you do, Daniel? Laura won’t tell me.’
‘He didn’t do anything!’
‘But neither of you will tell me what blew you apart. Come on, Dan. You can tell me, can’t you? Did you sleep with someone else?’
Laura shot me a beseeching look. We will never speak about it , she had said on the way back from Romania. Promise me.
I promise.
I didn’t need to promise. I didn’t want to talk about it either. All I wanted was to forget. If I didn’t talk about it, I could pretend it had never happened. Any of it. That was the only way to cope.
‘He didn’t sleep with someone else,’ Laura said.
Erin sighed heavily. ‘All right. But I think the two of you need your heads knocking together.’ She waved her sandwich in Laura’s direction. ‘Have you told him what happened to you yesterday?’
‘No,’ Laura said quickly, eyes darting nervously.
‘What?’ I said.
Erin’s eyes were big and round. Her voice dropped to a whisper.
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