do.”
“What?” How could he have known? His mom and my father were on the school board and I knew they talked, but the engagement took me totally off guard.
“Prom night after I dropped you off. Your father told me.”
“How...” I grabbed the railing for support, my head spun with so many questions.
“That doesn't matter anymore,” Arsen evaded the coming question. “Listen, Val, I'm sorry for everything I put you through. I know it's a little late for bullshit apologies, but I've needed to tell you that for years.”
I felt my heart swell, like a water balloon. My eyes opened as wide as possible to help fight back the tears. I never thought I'd hear those words, the acknowledgment of our wasted time apart. I hated that I still cared about an apology. I hated that he still had this crazy hold over me. I hated that I wanted to bury myself in him and forgive him.
The old Val would've fallen into his big arms. I sniffed down the emotion and swallowed my tears. I wasn't that girl anymore. The wound he'd left me with had gone untreated for too many years and now it festered. I didn't know If I'd ever be able to forgive him.
I stayed quiet, not knowing how to handle all of this. So much was different now.
“This party sucks, Val. Let's get out of here.”
“You're joking,” I laughed.
“I can tell, you don't enjoy this shit. I can see it your eyes. I've watched you perform enough to know that you're just acting.”
“Of course I am. Everyone is.” I still couldn't look him in the eyes. “That's the game. Showbiz is all just a popularity contest. This is THE party to be at right now, everyone who's anyone is here. We're not leaving.”
“Do you even like the films you do?”
“What?” I was struck by the honesty in the question and I was surprised that I couldn't answer right away with, 'yes, of course'. “Do you have any idea how much my contracted rate is? I'm the highest paid actor in the young adult genre.”
“I'm sure that impresses the hell out of your hangaround friends, but the Val I remember wouldn't have given one single fuck about your bank account. She wanted to act on a stage, doing important roles.” He stopped and fully articulated the next question. “Do you like what you do?”
Yes, of course!
But the words still wouldn’t come out.
“You want to know what happened to that Val?” I said, instead, the words dripping with defensive venom. A righteous anger suddenly washed over me. “The person she cared most for abandoned her. That stupid, naïve girl died of a broken heart. You don't like this version of me? Well, that's too damn bad, because you only have yourself to blame, Asshole.”
He eyed me with a measure of surprise, then simply said, “No.”
Arsen pulled away from the railing and looked me over. I felt my angry resolve start to crack under his scrutinizing gaze.
“I've made my mistakes and I have to live with those, but don't blame me for your life. I may have broken you down, but this...” He waved a hand at me, then snorted with disgust. “You could've been anything, and this is what you chose.”
The venom dried up in my mouth, taking all my saliva with it. I know I had changed, but I didn't think I was all that different. I always wanted to be an actor, maybe not in the films I'd been getting lately, but those were stepping stones. That's how you get the real dramatic roles!
I watched as Arsen turned his back on me and walked back out to the parking lot, shoving aside anyone foolish enough to get in his way.
Why was I so angry at him for apologizing to me? If I was in the right then why did I feel so awful. Did I really hate him?
No, I didn't hate Arsen, but I fear that I might have outgrown him. I sighed, finished my drink and set the empty glass down. I watched the waves crash in the distance and remembered where he'd taken me on prom night. That was still, even after all these years the best night of my whole life.
We were such different
“What?” How could he have known? His mom and my father were on the school board and I knew they talked, but the engagement took me totally off guard.
“Prom night after I dropped you off. Your father told me.”
“How...” I grabbed the railing for support, my head spun with so many questions.
“That doesn't matter anymore,” Arsen evaded the coming question. “Listen, Val, I'm sorry for everything I put you through. I know it's a little late for bullshit apologies, but I've needed to tell you that for years.”
I felt my heart swell, like a water balloon. My eyes opened as wide as possible to help fight back the tears. I never thought I'd hear those words, the acknowledgment of our wasted time apart. I hated that I still cared about an apology. I hated that he still had this crazy hold over me. I hated that I wanted to bury myself in him and forgive him.
The old Val would've fallen into his big arms. I sniffed down the emotion and swallowed my tears. I wasn't that girl anymore. The wound he'd left me with had gone untreated for too many years and now it festered. I didn't know If I'd ever be able to forgive him.
I stayed quiet, not knowing how to handle all of this. So much was different now.
“This party sucks, Val. Let's get out of here.”
“You're joking,” I laughed.
“I can tell, you don't enjoy this shit. I can see it your eyes. I've watched you perform enough to know that you're just acting.”
“Of course I am. Everyone is.” I still couldn't look him in the eyes. “That's the game. Showbiz is all just a popularity contest. This is THE party to be at right now, everyone who's anyone is here. We're not leaving.”
“Do you even like the films you do?”
“What?” I was struck by the honesty in the question and I was surprised that I couldn't answer right away with, 'yes, of course'. “Do you have any idea how much my contracted rate is? I'm the highest paid actor in the young adult genre.”
“I'm sure that impresses the hell out of your hangaround friends, but the Val I remember wouldn't have given one single fuck about your bank account. She wanted to act on a stage, doing important roles.” He stopped and fully articulated the next question. “Do you like what you do?”
Yes, of course!
But the words still wouldn’t come out.
“You want to know what happened to that Val?” I said, instead, the words dripping with defensive venom. A righteous anger suddenly washed over me. “The person she cared most for abandoned her. That stupid, naïve girl died of a broken heart. You don't like this version of me? Well, that's too damn bad, because you only have yourself to blame, Asshole.”
He eyed me with a measure of surprise, then simply said, “No.”
Arsen pulled away from the railing and looked me over. I felt my angry resolve start to crack under his scrutinizing gaze.
“I've made my mistakes and I have to live with those, but don't blame me for your life. I may have broken you down, but this...” He waved a hand at me, then snorted with disgust. “You could've been anything, and this is what you chose.”
The venom dried up in my mouth, taking all my saliva with it. I know I had changed, but I didn't think I was all that different. I always wanted to be an actor, maybe not in the films I'd been getting lately, but those were stepping stones. That's how you get the real dramatic roles!
I watched as Arsen turned his back on me and walked back out to the parking lot, shoving aside anyone foolish enough to get in his way.
Why was I so angry at him for apologizing to me? If I was in the right then why did I feel so awful. Did I really hate him?
No, I didn't hate Arsen, but I fear that I might have outgrown him. I sighed, finished my drink and set the empty glass down. I watched the waves crash in the distance and remembered where he'd taken me on prom night. That was still, even after all these years the best night of my whole life.
We were such different
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