Hiss Me Deadly by Bruce Hale

that runaway squirrel, Luz Lipps.
    I pulled Natalie back. "You keep her busy," I said.
    "What are you going to do?" she asked.
    "Slip around and cut off her escape."
    As I reversed direction, Natalie advanced on Luz, saying, "Are you the hall monitor?"
    "Well, I ain't Turkey Lurkey," said the squirrel. The rest of her comment was lost as I circled the building.
    Stepping on the gas, I raced down the far side and rounded the corner. Up ahead, Natalie was holding the hall monitor's attention. Luz had her back to me.
    I pussyfooted closer.
    "But like, I
really
want to know," Natalie was saying in a voice like Malibu Barbie Repeats Third Grade. "Does a hall monitor also monitor the lawns
next to
the halls? And what about the corridors—do you guys do corridors, too?"
    The flying squirrel held up her hands. "Cut the chatter!" she said. "I don't give two toots about your newspaper article. I gotta get back to work." And Luz pivoted on her heel—right into my hands.
    "Gotcha!" I said, grabbing her shoulders and shoving her up against the wall. "You've been a very naughty squirrel, and now you're gonna sing."
    She frowned. "But I don't like music."
    I squeezed harder. "Not sing,
sing,
" I said. "You know—squeal, spill the beans, blow the whistle?"
    Luz looked over at Natalie. "What language is he speaking?"
    "Beats me," said Natalie. "But you'd better answer."
    I shook the squirrel like a bad habit. "Things have been disappearing from this school, and you're in it up to your fuzzy neck. Start talking."
    "Or what?" asked Luz, popping her gum. "You'll beat me up?"
    "Huh?" I said. This wasn't working the way I'd expected.
    "No matter what," said the squirrel, "you can't do anything worse to me than
he
can."
    Natalie and I exchanged a glance. "
He
who?" I asked.
    "He who laughs last thinks slowest?" said Natalie.
    Luz just kept on chewing.

    I rattled her until her gum flew through the air. "Tell us!"
    The squirrel's eyes went wide. But her mouth stayed zipped. She kept her trap shut all the way up to Principal Zero's office.
    He eyed Luz. "What is this?" said Mr. Zero. "Hall monitor business?"
    "She's in on the caper," I said, "but she won't talk. We thought you might..."
    The big cat raised an eyebrow. "Fire up the spanking machine?"
    Luz turned an interesting shade of beige. Her tail drooped.
    "That's the ticket," I said.
    Principal Zero snorted. "Strange as it may seem, we have rules to follow. Without proof that she's done something wrong, my paws are tied."
    "But she—" said Natalie.
    "I'll hold her here through recess," said the cat. "But until a certain numskull PI brings me something solid"—here he glared at me—"that's all I can do. Last chance, Gecko."
    Luz Lipps gave us a scornful smile.
    My tail curled in frustration. I stomped outside.
    "Well, so much for solving this case before the fair," said Natalie as we trudged back to class.
    "
Hmph!
" I grumbled.
    "You know what this means," she said.
    "What?"
    Natalie slapped her knee with a wing. "We're a-goin' to the hoedown, podnuh! Yee-hawww!"
    I shook my head. "Git along, little birdie, git along."

15. Hoedown and Dirty
    I grumped my way through the last couple of lessons. Not even the news that this was Ms. Dwyer's last day could lift my mood.
    If I didn't catch the thief by the time the fair started, I would be in deep, deep doo-doo. And so far, I hadn't found the shovel big enough to dig me out.
    I was so distracted that I didn't see Shirley's sneak attack coming.
    "Oh, Chet?" she said, as we were leaving class.
    "Hmm?"
    She batted her big green peepers. "Are you, uh, headed to the hoedown after all?"
    "Hoedown?" I said, thinking of the case. "Uh, yeah."
    Shirley's smile would've blinded a sunbird. "Thanks for being my date. See you at the dance!" And she twirled off to giggle with Bitty Chu.
    "Wait!" I said. "What?"
    But it was too late. Her cootie ambush had been sprung.
    I met Natalie at the edge of the playground. She looked like a