House Arrest by K.A. Holt Page B

know it.
If you could die from caring too much, she would.
A facility ?
What does that even mean?
A permanent hospital?
A nursing home, like for old people?
Could she take Levi from us?
Could that happen?
I want to scream.
And then puke.
And then scream some more.



WEEK 2 7
    Just so you know
I’m not speaking to Mom
possibly ever again.
I can’t believe she actually agreed to do this.
I can’t believe we’re going.
I can’t look at her.
I can’t talk to her.
This can’t be happening.

    It smells in here
like the hospital
like juvie
like cleaning tables in detention
like the smell is a warning
ABANDON HOPE ALL YE WHO ENTER HERE.
I hope Mom can smell it, too.
I hope Mary chokes on it.

    A tour of the facility is not a commitment.
Mom mumbled that sentence
in the car ride home
while Mary suctioned Levi
and I bit the corner of my thumbnail so hard
it bled
red drips of blood.

    His head is so fuzzy.
I mean, it hardly counts as hair.
And his eyes are so bright
like there is a power source
inside his head
with extra voltage.
And his smile is so wide
it goes from one side of his face to the other
but not in a creepy way,
not in a Joker way.
And his fingers work so hard
to tell me what he wants
to tell me what he needs.
And his happy leg
goes crazy
just goes bananas
when Baby Signing Adventure comes on TV.
And he signs
more more more .
And he signs
yes yes yes .
And he signs
please please please .
So I turn it up
and I pull him into my lap
and we learn new signs together.
And I swear to you
if anyone tries to take him away
I will risk juvie to keep him out of that place,
that facility .

    Mom says:
The state will pay for the facility
if Levi’s doctors say he needs it.
There’s a special program.
I say:
Are there special programs
so the state can pay for him to stay home?
Mary says:
The state already pays for him to stay home.
The state pays for me.
I say:
The state should ask for its money back. Mom says [ignoring me]:
What if it’s just for a few months
so I can work lots of overtime?
Earn lots of extra money?
Save for a night nurse every night? Mary says:
We’re thinking about what’s best for Levi. I say:
The state will have to pay for me
to live in a facility, too,
before I let you tell us what’s best for Levi.
Mary sucks in her breath.
Mom drops her eyes.
I don’t hit Mary.
But I want to, James.
I want to, Mrs. B.
I want to hit her in those stupid cow eyes.
I really, really want to.
It scares me how much I want to.

    Crying crying crying
that’s all I could do.
I couldn’t even make words
come out of my mouth
and it was so embarrassing
but I didn’t know where else to go,
and my journal was stuffed
under my shirt
because it’s like a part of me now
and I couldn’t stop crying
even when it was Isa
of course
who opened the door,
and even when José’s mom
took me to the bathroom
and turned on the shower
and said over and over,
Mijo, mijo, mijo ,until she was crying
and I was crying
and she was looking at my knuckles
all bloody and bruised
from punching the wall
instead of Mary
who I would never really punch
because she is old and has stupid cow eyes,
and José’s mom was hugging me so tight
I had no breath
and so I thought of Levi
which made me cry even harder
and José and Theresa and Alé and Sofia
and Isa
were all outside the bathroom door
wondering why I was freaking out.
I know they were.
Now I’m out of the shower.
I’m wearing José’s pajamas.
I’m in the dark
on the floor
in a sleeping bag
and no one is around
and I can’t stop hiccupping.

WEEK 2 8
    Thanks for the milk shake, James.
I mean, it’s not going to change the world or anything.
But it was nice.

    Mrs. B.
Her eyes always give her away.
She says she’s disappointed.
She asks if I’m disappointed with myself.
She talks about breathing and
staying calm.
She talks about impulse control and counting.
But her eyes dip down,
her eyebrows