In an Adventure With Napoleon by Gideon Defoe, Richard Murkin Page A

tended to turn up unannounced at sea were bouts of dysentery and the occasional albatross.
    ‘Goodness me!’ exclaimed the Governor. ‘Who can this be? Another visitor in the space of a day?’
    ‘Maybe it’s the Pirate King come to try to persuade the Pirate Captain to go back to pirating,’ said Jennifer hopefully.
    ‘Maybe it’s Black Bellamy come to apologise for the earlier mix-up,’ said the pirate who was quite naïve.
    ‘No, look!’ said the pirate in green peering out thewindow. ‘It’s the Royal Navy! They’ve come to arrest us! We’ll be hung in irons!’
    ‘Why would they arrest law abiding bee-keepers?’ pointed out the Captain, with a roll of his eyes. He excused himself from the gamine lady and the throng of islanders and went to open the door. A young naval officer carrying a clipboard looked him up and down.
    ‘Is this St Helena?’ he asked, frowning.
    ‘That’s right,’ said the Pirate Captain. ‘Can I help?’
    ‘Delivery for you.’ The naval officer held out his clipboard. ‘Sign here. No, not there, here, where I’ve put a little X. Right.’ He snapped his fingers and from behind him two burly sailors appeared, flanking a chained figure in a long military coat and a distinctive peaked hat. They unshackled their prisoner, handed him a suitcase and then, with a sharp salute, they and the officer disappeared back down towards the direction of the beach, leaving the man on his own. He peered about his new surroundings with a barely concealed look of disdain. The islanders all seemed rooted to the spot, so the Pirate Captain, deciding it was only right to be polite, strode forward and proffered his hand.
    ‘Hello,’ he said. ‘Welcome to St Helena. I’m the Pirate Captain, the island’s most famous resident. Goodness me, you look terribly familiar.’
    ‘I imagine I do,’ said the man.
    ‘Don’t tell me.’ The Captain clicked his tongue thoughtfully. ‘Have you ever advertised fish fingers?’
    ‘Certainly not.’
    ‘Modelled for erotic etchings?’
    ‘No.’
    ‘Ah, I’ve got it – the steak counter at the butcher’s on Cowley Road in Oxford!’
    The man shook his head once more.
    ‘Oh well, I give up. But I could swear I know you from somewhere. Though maybe you’ve just got one of those faces that looks like everybody else’s face. Some people have those. They’ve done scientific studies on it.’
    The man doffed his hat and bowed. ‘Be hold Napoleon!’ he exclaimed. ‘Unjustly deposed Emperor of the French, King of Italy, Mediator of the Swiss Confederation and Protector of the Confederation of the Rhine!’
    ‘Aarrrrr,’ said the Pirate Captain, a little flustered. He bowed back, because he couldn’t think of what else to do in the circumstances. ‘Well, behold me. Bronze swimming certificate. Owner of several hats. Protector of, um, some bees.’
    Everybody, pirates and islanders alike, gaped at the new arrival.
    ‘Now listen here.’ Napoleon picked up his suitcase, stalked into the room, grasped the Pirate Captain’s shoulder and fixed him with a serious stare. ‘It is usual when meeting me for the first time that men question the very worth of their lives. I know how your thoughts must be running at the moment. “My goodness!” you think. “Here is a man, if such a word does him justice, whichfrankly it doesn’t, who has conquered most of the world! Who has set himself amongst the gods! My life appears so trivial in comparison!” But try not to think those thoughts, because that way only madness lies. You should not judge yourself by Napoleon’s incomparable standards. Just as you would not judge, say, an ant, or some sort of rodent, by your own. Besides, in many ways I’m sure your trivial achievements are just as important as my gargantuan ones.’ Napoleon paused and stared nobly into the middle distance. ‘Because ultimately I am a man, just like you. And I want you treat me like an equal, ridiculous though that must seem.’
    With