In an Adventure With Napoleon by Gideon Defoe, Richard Murkin

bits against a tree, or punching some macaques.’
    ‘Are you going to punch some macaques?’ said the albino pirate hopefully.
    ‘Unfortunately, as I learnt the hard way, it turns out you’ve got to be a bit more subtle than that in human circles. On account of our years of extra evolving. Social dominance amongst landlubbers is mainly established through throwing lavish parties and telling amazing anecdotes.’ 15
    The Captain flicked open the catches on an old treasure chest and swung back the lid. He sifted through the piles of old socks and sandwiches and very carefully lifted out a small crystal bear.
    ‘You know what this is?’ he asked the pirate with a scarf, grinning.
    ‘It’s your crystal bear, sir.’
    ‘No, number two, it’s a
conversation piece
. A conversation piece is an old pirate trick. I’ll put the crystal bear on the coffee table, and then guests will be bound to comment, giving me an opportunity to tell them an exciting story about how I came by it.’
    ‘That’s very clever, Captain. But didn’t you get it from that shop on Oxford Street? The one that’s full of crystal animal tat? The albino pirate cried when you wouldn’t buy him a crystal unicorn. It’s not much of an anecdote, to be honest.’
    ‘Well, yes, that’s as may be,’ said the Captain. ‘But our guests won’t know that, will they? This is one of the best things about starting a new life abroad, you can make all sorts up about your past.’ He tapped the side of his nose conspiratorially. ‘I’ll probably tell them that I won it in a game of poker with the Devil.’

    One by one the islanders began to arrive, and the pirates all did their best to engage in pleasant small talk, and triednot to limit their conversation to the usual rather insular topics of treasure and types of rope. The pirate with an accordion played mood music, and the pirate with long legs made sure that everybody had enough jellyfish to eat, because boiled jellyfish, rain and pebbles seemed to be pretty much all the island had to offer in the way of cuisine. Very soon the Pirate Captain had quite a crowd gathered round him, hanging on his every word.
    ‘Here’s an interesting fact,’ he said, winking at a particularly gamine lady islander, perching on his knee with an adoring look in her eye. ‘We had an adventure with Charles Darwin a little while ago, and according to his theories a small, isolated population such as yourselves will probably mutate into fish people within a few generations.’
    ‘Really?’ said the gamine lady islander. ‘How fascinating! And you’ve met such interesting people! We must seem terribly dull in comparison.’
    ‘Aarrr, not at all. I think you’d look good with gills, by the way.’
    ‘Oh, you’re such a charmer, Pirate Captain.’
    ‘I am, but there’s much more to me than the charming rogue who plunders stuff and sets fire to things. I’m also surprisingly spiritual.’
    ‘I like spiritual things!’
    ‘I could tell. Now, for instance, a while back I stole a whole lot of gold Buddhas from some Tibetan monks. Can’t get more spiritual that that.’
    ‘What a life you’ve led,’ sighed the girl. ‘You’re easily the most famous and exciting person to have ever visited St Helena.’
    The Pirate Captain turned his grin to full beam. ‘I suppose I must be.’
    ‘I like your crystal bear, by the way.’
    ‘Ah, as it happens there’s an interesting story behind that. 1812, it must have been,’ The Captain spoke extra loud to make sure he had everybody’s attention. ‘Me and my loyal manservant Pappaganeo were on an expedition to find the source of the Amazon, with just a battered canoe made out of old tiger skins …’
    But before the Pirate Captain could get any further into his anecdote there was a sudden loud knock at the door. All the pirates jumped, because they weren’t used to the fact that on land people could just turn up unannounced and knock at your door. The only things that